Strange Days

December 2010

2010-12-28T22:48:00.002-05:00

Has been an interesting year. Not in a way of many new happenings, but in my way of looking at life and the people in it. In some ways I feel like I should have done more....in others I feel like I've done so much. I want 2011 to be more dramatic...I want it to be more exciting....but then again, be careful what you wish for. <3

searching for my brothers

2007-02-27T15:42:00.000-05:00

I've mentioned this before but my mother has two sons by her first marriage who were kidnapped by their father when they were still toddlers. Its been over 40 years and she still has no idea where they are. So I came up with an idea to start a my space for them, and see if I could use virtual marketing to find them. Using the premise of 6 degrees of seperation, I am betting that I will find a lead, or my brothers themselves within a year of posting the blog. A lot of people are adding them to their top friends, which is adding to the exposure, and at some point, I'm going to see if we can get some news stories on it, which should help promote the blog even more. It's exciting, but scary at the same time.

C.

2 / 2

2007-02-02T10:36:00.000-05:00

I read this today from Beth and thought it was an amzingly cool way to think about today, feb 2.....2/2

Today is 2/2. Groundhog Day. A perfect day numerically speaking for a holiday which is about looking for your shadow, your other, the second you. The number two, then the two shadowed. Nicely done holiday schedulers! Somehow this year Groundhog Day has hit a chord with me. And it's hard for me to believe I've just written that sentence. That must be the shadow me.

But this year I am all about waking up.

And here's what I've woken up to on this holiday that's about waking up. There is always a shadow. When it's overcast it's all shadow. Shadow of the cloud. And our own shadows are not so visible. This is a perfect metaphor for right now in America. A time of cultural darkness which makes it difficult to see our own personal shadows.

So today is a good time to remember the dictum: embrace your wholeness. Shadows can be very illuminating. And even make you look skinny!

She also had this picture, which blew me away today.

This infinity sign is multiple exposures taken from the same spot over the course of a year. That infinity sign is the path of the sun!!!! How amazing is that? Personally, it left me speechless.

All is well with me....it could be better. Things have been a little ough for me these past 6-8 months, just trying to get things together with less stress and more creativity, if that's even possible.

Chase

dust

2006-11-30T02:20:00.000-05:00

"And I will show you something different from either
Your shadow at morning striding behind you
Or your shadow at evening rising to meet you;
I will show you fear in a handful of dust."

Having your laptop crash....then your desktop.....then your backup....

crash

it can be a freeing experience

terrifying in its full meaning

lost photos

half a novel done

now gone

letters

your will

why don't they ever tell us how fragil these fucking electronic gadgets are

"you've got to back things up"

ok, so what you're really trying to say is....

I need to back up, the back up's, back up?

wtf?

Ms. Magazine Names Women Who've had abortions

2006-10-04T21:15:00.000-04:00

NEW YORK (Oct. 4) - At a pivotal time in the abortion debate, Ms. magazine is releasing its fall issue next week with a cover story titled "We Had Abortions," accompanied by the names of thousands of women nationwide who signed a petition making that declaration.

The publication coincides with what the abortion-rights movement considers a watershed moment for its cause. Abortion access in many states is being curtailed, activists are uncertain about the stance of the U.S. Supreme Court, and South Dakotans vote Nov. 7 on a measure that would ban virtually all abortions in their state, even in cases of rape and incest.

"All this seems very dire," said Eleanor Smeal, president of the Feminist Majority Foundation, which publishes Ms.

"We have to get away from what the politicians are saying," she said, "and get women's lives back in the picture."

Even before the issue reaches newsstands Oct. 10, anti-abortion activists have been decrying it. Judie Brown, president of the American Life League, wrote in a commentary that when she saw a Ms. announcement of the project, "the evil practically jumped right off the page."

Ms. executive editor Katherine Spillar said more than 5,000 women have signed the petition so far -- heeding its appeal to declare they are unashamed of the choice they made. The magazine itself had room for only 1,016 names, she said Tuesday, but all of them will be viewable online as Ms. encourages other women to continue adding their signatures.

Ms. says it will send the petition to Congress, the White House and state legislators.

The signatories include Ms. founder Gloria Steinem, comedian Carol Leifer, and actresses Kathy Najimy and Amy Brenneman, but most are not famous names.

Tyffine Jones, 27, of Jackson, Miss., said she had no hesitation about signing -- although she lives in a state where restrictions on abortion are tough and all but one abortion clinic has been closed.

Jones said she got an abortion 10 years ago -- enduring harassment from protesters when she entered the clinic -- in order to finish high school. She went on to become the first member of her family to graduate from college, and hopes at some point to attend law school.

"I wanted to do something bigger with myself -- I didn't want to be stopped by anything," she said in a telephone interview.

Another signatory, Debbie Findling of San Francisco, described her difficult decision last year to have an abortion after tests showed that she would bear a son with Down syndrome.

"I felt it was my right to make the decision, but having that right doesn't make the decision any easier," she said. "It was the hardest decision I've ever made."

Findling, 42, is married, with a 5-year-old daughter, and has been trying to get pregnant again while pursuing her career as a philanthropic foundation executive.

She says too many of her allies in the abortion-rights movement tend to minimize, at least publicly, the psychological impact of abortion.

"It's emotionally devastating," she said in a phone interview. "I don't regret my decision -- but I regret having been put in the position to have to make that choice. It's something I'll live with for the rest of my life."

Findling strongly supports the Ms. petition, and believes women who have had abortions need to be more open about their decisions. She has written an essay about her own experience, and plans to include it in an anthology she hopes to publish next year.

Ms. mounted this kind of petition drive when it was first published. Its debut issue in 1972 included a manifesto signed by 53 women -- many of them well-known -- declaring that they had undergone abortions despite state laws outlawing the procedure.

The next year, the Supreme Court issued its Roe v. Wade decision establishing abortion rights nationwide. Some abortion-rights activists are concerned that Roe could be overturned, either by the current court or if President Bush has the opportunity to appoint one more justice.

Smeal said Ms. staffers called the women who signed the petition to verify their information and be sure they were willing to have their names in print.

"The women thanked us for doing this," Smeal said. "They wanted to tell their stories."

------------------

What a confusing issue. On one hand, I want to commend these women for having the balls to come forward and say, yes, I made this hard decision, but on the other hand. I'm somewhat repulsed by Ms. Magazine waving a list of murdered babies to prove a point.

With that being said, I was 17 when I had my abortion. I didn't want to have one, but my mother wasn't trying to hear me having it, and I suppose deep in my heart I felt that it wasn't the right time. I've since realised, there's never really a right time. Oh sure, when you have money, or a husband or a home, guess those would be a "right time". But I became a foster mother to my 10 year old brother less than two years later. I wound up raising him, and always thought, I could have just had the baby.

I sometimes wonder what it would have been like to have that child with me now. I'm remembering that someone at the clinic told me it was a boy, or am I imagining that? I always wonder what it would be like to have a strapping young man as my son. He would be in his 20's now. Scary thought. I wonder if he forgives me and understands why I did what I did? and I wonder if there is forgiveness for such a thing?

............................

Hi :o)

2006-08-21T21:56:00.000-04:00

I know...don't even say it....I know....

I could make up a ton of reasons, but it's still no excuse for not writing in so long. The main reason/excuse is that I got an online "job" and whenever i'm online, I feel like I have to be there working working working, or i'm not making money so I'm there, working and not putting time to anything else online. I know, sucks...blame me being away on being broke, lol.

So here's a lil lowdown.

1. My brother is doing good. He moved in with his girlfriend, which in any other case I would say is waaay too soon, but in his case it's probably what he needs to stay stable. So im not mad about it. He still has a job, which is a miricle and amazing. I hope he keeps it up.

2 My horse, Kate died. I was fucked up for quite a while behind that, to put it blankly. I cried my heart out. Our stallion tried to mount her in the pasture and they fought and a nail from his shoe came lose and cut her in the side. We called a vet, did everything we could but a week later she was dead. She left a 3 mo old colt, the colt was going nuts, pulling on her mothers halter trying to make her get up. It was heart breaking, and no one could say anything to me, I sat in the bathroom and cried for an hour straight. I loved that horse. People say that horses are like dogs, but I disagree, it's more like having a mute child, they are so intelligent yet they can't speak. They do find other ways of communicating what they want. I used to go out in the pasture in the dark at night, and reach up and wrap my hands around her neck and she would put her nose in my neck and we would stand there and just....breathe. I'll miss her, I loved her so much.

3. My laptop died. Another reason why I havent been on as much. Why didnt you souther folk tell me about the lightining down here in the south?!?! I lost everything...its disgusting how much stuff I lost. and just think, all I had to do was back it up. I'm such a dumbass.

4. we have a puppy. Jessica found it wandering and convinced us to take it in.....how could you resist that cutesy wootsey adorable face??...oh yeah, and the puppy was cute too. Ha

I'll be back. :D

brother

2006-06-12T22:47:00.000-04:00

I hurt myself today, To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain, The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole, The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away, But I remember everything

I wear this crown of shit, Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts, I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time, The feelings disappear
You are someone else, I am still right here

What have I become? My sweetest friend
Everyone I know, Goes away in the end
You could have it all, My empire of dirt
I will let you down, I will make you hurt
If I could start again, A million miles away
I would keep myself, I would find a way

Johhny Cash

My brother called my sister this morning...she's still not sure how he got the number. The only reason he didn't call me is probably because I moved out of state. He's been out of jail about 3 months now, amazing he lasted this long.

I don't expect it to last. I'd say he might last another 2 or 3 months, but then I sound like a real bitch right?

I took custody of my brother when I was 17/18 years old. Not even a full grown up myself, I took responsibility for a child of 11 who had more problems then I would eve be able to fathom. He was adopted by my mother and stepfather as a small child. He had been one of 7 or 8 children as I remember being told, one day his mom snapped and locked all of the kids under the kitchen sink and left them there for over a week. When they found them 2 were dead and the others were near death.

When he came into our home he was a tiny bag of bones, stomach distended, eyes wide. He was a happy child but exhibited typical psychological characteristics. Rocking back and forth, repetitive behavior and banging his head on his pillow at night to get to sleep. My stepfather, fast with the belt and slow on patience beat him daily to get him to stop banging his head. Perhaps if he knew why he did it he wouldn't beat him for it, but if he knew he didn't care, stepdad was all about control. Or else.

They adopted my brother, but when my mom and stepdad split, the kids were thrown to the wind, and my brother wound up in foster care. He went from foster home to foster home and eventually I was told that they had nowhere for him to go and he was going to be sent to a youth facility in another state. I asked if I could take him and after tons of paperwork, meetings and classes, I became his para-foster parent.

It started out ok, and to this day I go over things in my mind, wondering and searching....was there somewhere where I went wrong, where I should have done something and didn't or vice versa? I've since grown to realize that, it couldn't have been my fault...even if I did fuck up, it wasn't for lack of trying. I put my all into him and he still turned out wrong, and I really don't think there was anything I could have done differently.

It started out with cutting school, hanging out with the wrong kids, dropping grades. It moved up a notch to threatening someone with a knife, trespassers, more cutting classes and dropping grades. Then it went to no school at all, stealing, and throwing firecrackers out of a 8th floor window onto a cop car causing him to draw his gun. I spent the night in jail behind that one.

The finale was when I was 9 months pregnant with Jessica, he pulled a gun on my boyfriend and got locked up. That wound up being a pattern and he didn't see light of day for more than a few months at a time for the next 5 years. Here's the poem I wrote after the 2nd time he got locked up. The last time he came out, 7 years ago, I told him he was going to come stay with me, get a job, I bought him clothes, all my friends gave him money, he had his own bedroom on the first floor of my house, no rent, free food....and after he had been at the job (I got him) for a couple of months, he could start pitching in for rent or whatever.

He never made it thru those few months, one night, high on angel dust, he walked up to some guys car, asked him for a ride home and when the guy said no, he shot him in the head.

He was caught that night walking home, and even though he had gotten rid of the gun and the jacket he was wearing, they still arrested him based on witness id's. The guy who he's shot was a major drug dealer in our city. He claims he was high and didn't know what he was doing, but I got word through someone else, that this guy had been trying to hit on his new girlfriend, and my brother wasn't happy about it. I was told that there was a hit put on my brother, and a possible hit on me and my daughter, I couldn't step outside for the next few months without anticipating a bullet. They tried to hit my brother while he was in county jail, but he managed to get away from them, and I had internal affairs relocate him, because the way it was set up, the guards had to be in on it.

While the guy he shot was in a coma, my brother took a plea bargain for aggravated assault, and got 7 years. The guy died a month later. My brother got out 3 months ago, and I don't know how to deal with him. I hate the fact that he put myself and my daughter in what could have been deadly circumstances, but I also ask myself, if this was my blood brother, would I give up on him? I would be mad at him, I would hate his ways and the things he did, but he would still be my brother.

He hasn't called me. I think he knows that I'm still angry, and I doubt he wants to hear much of what I would say. Maybe this time he'll get it right...maybe this time, he'll make a man of himself...maybe.

my life, my life, my life

2006-06-04T23:20:00.000-04:00

where do I start? The truth is, I have let myself get caught up in so much other stuff that i havent had time to blog. On one hand thats supposed to be a good thing, because it means you have a life, right? lol

.............
The art exhibit for the James Brown Festival went well. It was an amazing feeling looking and seeing my art hanging on a wall that didn't belong to me. To see other people look at your art, and comment or to see the looks on their faces. Jessica is evil, she walks up to people looking at one of my paintings "Living in America" and starts talking to them"so what do you think?" and starts engaging them in an in depth conversation about how it "explores issues in the US today", this lady is just looking at her, nodding her head....I had to walk away so I didn't blow up laughing. To be 14, the girl has issues, lol

I'll post pics of the exhibit shortly.

I finally met my friend who told me about the show, Susannah...she was there with her husband, they were the sweetest, and we talked a lot....hopefully we can stay friends and get to know each other better. She's even offered to help me with my cafepress, so I can offer postcards and such of my artwork.

..............

My garden is coming along well, tons of tomatoes coming in now....jalepenos, little bit of string beans, green peppers are coming in too.

..............

My Kate had her baby...we went to bed with one horse and woke up with two. ::smile:: They are both very healthy and doing so well.

...............

I started doing some online work as well, and that has kept me very busy too....I'll remind myself that i need to blog, and then im so tired i dont even want to look at the computer.

.................

watching "Full Metal Jacket" right now....this movie depresses the crap out of me, but I can't help but watch it when it comes on, its a sin how that drill seargent tortured that boy...like i said, it makes me really sad, I don't even know why I watch it.

Gonna visit some sites tonight and see how all of my friends in blog land are doing...I hope all are well.

dirt

2006-04-16T19:20:00.000-04:00

still playing in the dirt as Joe says....been pruning bushes all week when i have a spare moment, still got about 30 bushes to go, why did they plant all these damn bushes around this house?!? I planeted tomatoes, cucumbers, squash, jalepenos, red peppers, green peppers, cherry tomatoes, watermelon, snow peas, brussel sprouts and string beans in the garden (so far) the most important thing will be to keep them hydrated, especially in the summer it gets crazy hot here and will dry a plant up to a twig in a day if you're not careful.

I planted two tiny baby peach trees, and two apple trees...they are only about 3 feet and 1 ft tall respectively. I won't see fruit from them in my lifetime, but maybe y grandchildren will. thats a nice thought.

be back later.

Spring has sprung

2006-04-02T15:21:00.000-04:00

Time for clocks to "spring forward. That's how I remember which way the clock goes, "Spring forward, Fall back". I also have one to remember how to turn a screw, twist off a lid, turn a lightbulb, ect..."Righty Tighty, Lefty Loosy", its especially helpful when I'm changing a light bulb, cause turning it too tight the wrong way can break it, then you have the problem of getting that broken bulb out. (a great way to do that is to cut a potatoe in half and shove it onto the broken glass and turn the right way, after you unplug or turn off the light of course!)

Enough of my tidbits (smile) Things have been pretty busy Jessica's 8th grade prom was last weekend. I made her dress and cape. She told me she wanted to look like a princess and I think we achieved that effect.

Striking the princessa pose...

and of course the corsage...

ready to leave....please, no more pics, lol

I think I took over 100 pictures, but I carefully explained to the little complaining brat, that I made the dress, I made the cape, the purse, I sewed 82 pearls by hand onto that dang dress, I bought the shoes, the tiarra, the LeasT she could do is let me take a couple hundred pictures. :::cheese::::...

Then there's KATE....Now you understand why I havent been blogging the past week or so.

There's something about a horse that puts a sense of awe into you. Here you have animals that are huge, we're talk 1000+ pounds, that can have such an affection and trust for you that they alow you to ride them...it truly amazes me. I haven't ridden her yet, although Joe and Jessica have, I haven't gotten the nerve. I had a terrible fall from a horse when I was younger, and I guess I'm still a little nervous. The funny thing is even though I haven't ridden her, she has made an attachement to me that is extremely noticable. I look into those huge eyes and I am so humbled by her innocent spirit. She gleams copper in the sun.

We've also been taking care of a puppy for Joe's cousin, I dont have pictures yet, maybe tomorrow. He is the cutest thing, but he was very sick, he had parvo....so we kind of had to nurse him back to health....when he came to us he was skin and bones and now he's put on weight and seems very happy.

I've been in the yard, trimming bushes, planting seeds, I tilled a little garden, cleaning up winter debris, and just getting the house ready for summer. Spring cleaning has been on the top of my agenda, throwing away uneeded things, washing and packing away the heavy blankets, throwing open the windows, airing out the house.

I had three personal dreams, my whole life...that was to own a beautiful house, to own a horse, and to have an inground swimming pool. To some those may seem like simple dreams, but to me they seemed like a fantasy, an unatainable dream. From a young runaway who slept on a park bench, to build up my life, to finally be able to say, I've actually made 2 of my life dreams come true (three if you count my love with Joe)....hey, an inground pool may not be such a big deal afterall.

New Orleans Library

2006-03-22T13:16:00.000-05:00

The New Orleans Public Library is asking for any and all hardcover and paperback books for people of all ages in an effort to restock the shelves after Katrina. The staff will assess which titles will be designated for its collections. The rest will be distributed to destitute families or sold for library fundraising.

Please send your books to:

Rica A. Trigs
Public Relations
New Orleans Public Library
219 Loyola Avenue
New Orleans, LA 70112

**UPDATE - my anonymous commenter has mentioned that the New Orleans Library cannot handle the infulx of books, and gave me a website that shows alternative ways that you can help them. Thanks, whoever you are!

Click here for the FAQ Website

On another note, I've done some planting over the past week. Planted some herbs, tomatoes and peppers from seed. Starting an avacado plant, and finally found a good spot for the pink rosebush my neighbor gave me for my birthday. The weather seems tobe breaking here and spring is well on it's way. Makes me want to clean, lol.

We're also getting a horse. Yes, a horse. One of our friends has a few of them but he's moving and wants to find good homes for some of them. He's offered to help joe build a good fence if he comes over and helps with his fence, which he did today. We're supposed to get her next week, and when we do I will most definitly post pics, she is so beautiful.

Things are getting exciting with Jess's prom coming up in a couple days. We have everything except her shoes, which we'll get on Friday, and she's getting her hair done Sat morning. I will post pics sat night or sunday morning, I know she's going to have a great time. :)

prom

2006-03-19T23:33:00.000-05:00

Jessica's 8th grade prom is this Sat. and this is the dress I made for her. She was supposed to go with one boy who she really liked, but they aren't speaking so she's going with Troy, a boy who's liked her since the beginning of the school year. She wanted me to make her dress, and she knew exactly how she wanted it to look. She said she wanted to look like a princess.

I had her try it on because her aunt and grandmother were dying to see the pics, When she goes to the prom this weekend I'll take the offiial "prom pics", so you can see her in all her "princess" glory, lol

She's mad because we told her we would be following the limo, and be there too when the prom was over. She said I'm being lame, but I don't care, that girl is my most valued thing in life, I know she thinks Im being overprotective now, but Im sure she'll understand when she gets older. (isn't that what all mothers say? lol)

Beautiful

2006-03-09T23:31:00.000-05:00

How I wish I could surrender my soul; Shed the clothes that become my skin;
See the liar that burns within my needing. How I wish I'd chosen darkness from cold.
How I wish I had screamed out loud, Instead I've found no meaning.

How I wish I could walk through the doors of my mind;
Hold memory close at hand,
Help me understand the years.
How I wish I could choose between Heaven and Hell.
How I wish I would save my soul.
I'm so cold from fear.

I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray.
I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble.
It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain.

I'm sure just about everyone saw James Blunt on Oprah, or has heard about him, or his number one song, "You're Beautiful", seeing his emotion and feeling his raw untouched honesty was one of the most refreshing feelings I've had in a while, he seems really genuine. Those were the lyrics to his song Tears and Rain. beautiful.

So, I'm back, got all of my online issues straight, and hope to be posting more regularly. Did ya miss me?

Oh yeah, while my online was down I finished another painting and started 3 more! Here's the one I finished, it needs a name though....maybe you can help me come up with one?

I completed the course for substitute teaching today, so this should be interesting, and at the very least make for good blogging, lol. The course was pretty simple, learning lots of rules and sitting on hard ass auditorium seats for 5 hours. my butt still aches, lol.

GUESS WHAT??? I will be showing my art publicly for the first time at an exhibition called "Something About Soul" during the James Brown festival here in Augusta. I am so excited. So many many thanks to PaintingChef for sending me the info.

The place where the exibition is being held is HUGE. It used to be a department store called JB White, it has huge columns that go down each side of the room and 30 foot ceilings. I'm going to have to do some bigger pieces for this, so I did go out and get a 20x60 inch frame, a 36x24 inch and a 30x40 inch at a half price sale...somehow they still don't seem big enough, I'd love a 6 x 6 foot or a 10x10 foot....but i think a 6x6 foot would cost me a hundred bucks I don't have right now to blow. Oh well, it's called do the best with what you got! I dont think words can express how excited I am. :) I'm going to take pics and let you know how it goes.

Jessica made the honor roll. Sh ehad a little trouble adjusting after being homeschooled for two years, but she did it, and I was so proud of her. She kept teasing me, saying "it was a fluke Mom, I dont know how it happened...dont expect it to happen again", lol She knows it was her hard work that made it happen. That's my girl.

more James Blunt lyrics....this one is called Beautiful. He said he wrote it after he was on a train, and saw his ex girlfriend with another man. He said they never spoke, but for a moment, their eyes locked, and a lifetime passed in that moment.

My life is brilliant.
My love is pure.
I saw an angel.
Of that I'm sure.
She smiled at me on the subway.
She was with another man.
But I won't lose no sleep on that,
'Cause I've got a plan.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true,
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
Cause I'll never be with you.

Yeah, she caught my eye,
As I walked on by.
She could see from my face that I was,
Flying high,
And I don't think that I'll see her again,
But we shared a moment that will last till the end.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.

Lalala lalala lalala lalala laaaaaa

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
There must be an angel with a smile on her face,
When she thought up that I should be with you.
But it's time to face the truth,
I will never be with you

Taco bell rocks

2006-02-26T17:45:00.000-05:00

I still don't have online acess yet, but here I am in Taco Bell enjoying a Crunchwrap Supreme (which also rocks) I didn't know all Taco Bell's had wifi, well at least the ones around here do.

Yeah, im over the birthday blues....whats a girl to do? lol Thank you to everyone who sent me well wishes in my comments and emails...it's easy to see why we become attached to our blogfriends, especially when they are so sweet and caring.

Jessica had her 14th Birthday party last night, it was really awesome. We decorated the bar (yep, we have a huge bar in our house) with xmas lights and streamers, I made 4, 3 layer cakes, they had hot dogs, chicken wings, devilled eggs and every kind of chip you can imagine. I made "invisible" punch, with the new invisible kool aid, and some sprite, all the kids thought it was water, lol, and weren't drinking it until i told them it was punch.

One of the funniest things of the night was the phone call from the grandmother of one of jessica's friends that went like this....

Grandmother: Hey, I'll be bringing nick shortly, but his friend that he grew up with is here and I wanted to know if it was ok if he came too?

Me: How old is he?

GM: 13, but he's big (which was an understatement, the boy was HUGE)

me: yes that's fine

GM: But there's one thing (long pause) (she whispers) He's black

silence

Me: (whispers) So are we

GM: Really? (clearly relieved) I'm not prejudeced or anything, I just know a lot of people in this area are and I wouldnt want to drop him off and have anyone give him problems

Me: (dying laughing) that's fine, no problems here

I cannot get enough of telling that story, it keeps cracking me up.

Jessica said it was the best party ever...but I think I forgot how loud a roomful of 40 teenagers could be. Im sure it's a party she'll remember for the rest of her life.

I'm signing up for the substitute teacher program here, and if all goes well I'll be subbing (extra money AND getting out of the ~~rut~~ house.

I'll probably come back to Taco Bell on Wed, or have my online access back by then.

ciao

stupid birthday.....

2006-02-18T18:07:00.000-05:00

yesterday was my birthday. yipee. I swear I don't know what it is im looking for, but year after year im just not getting it. It's not like I expect a big party, lavish gifts...ok, maybe a suprise party one year wouldnt be bad....and I know things have been tight for us money wise, but my day came and went with scarcely an acknowledgement. Joe, has never been really big on "holidays" and I've somewhat learned to not expect any grand gestures from him.

He at least got me a card for valentines day, but he left it in the car and didnt give it to me until the next day, and when I told him he was so unromatic he got an attitude about it...he makes me so mad sometimes. I bitched him out the next day about it, but sometimes I think im talking to a wall.

Jessicas birthday is today...the day after mine...and ever since she's been born, I've always focused so much more on her birthday than my own. She's having a big party next weekend with tons of friends from school, im going to cook, make cakes, the whole nine....so today she was mainly in the bed, she has the flu, but she's almost over it....when i asked her to help with cleaning up, she made a comment about "whatever happened to having birthday weekends off?" wow that pissed me off to no end....good question! what HAS happened to birthday weekends off??? I cant remember the last time I was given a weekend off...no one gave ME breakfast in bed, or asked if there was anything I needed on my birthday.

the bottom line is I think her and joe can be so fcuking selfish sometimes, it makes me want to throw up. I expect it from her sometimes, I mean she's a 14 year old girl fercrissakes, she's expected to be selfish at times, but it seems no matter how many times I point out how selfish he can be at times it doesnt change, he still keeps his little childish outlook on life and it makes me sick.

true, im venting right now, and he does things that makes up for his selfishness at times, but im so sick of being the one who's strong and tries to keep things together without an attitude. why cant someone look out for me once in a while?

Im not even freaking out that im 39....that my mother didnt call me, two of my sisers didnt call me, my best friend didnt call me....

or maybe i am...i dunno

stupid birthday....

my online access is limited, so i probably wont be able to post or respond for another week....

Trust is the key.....

2006-02-09T00:54:00.000-05:00

finished a new painting this past weekend. Now i want to start working on a faux stained glass window. I found an old window its about 3 feet tall and 2 feet wide, may have been an old basement window, and I want to make it look like a stained glass window using acrylics, I've seen some really remarkable ones...not saying mine will be, but I can try :::smile:::

I spoke to an ex of mine last week, just chit chat, two or three inconsequential emails about idle news shit, but it made me think abot him, and how things ended between us. I regret few decisions I've made about relationships, but that relationship was one of them. I can't really say regret, I just wish I hadn't of been so hasty, and that I had let things go further before I made any decisions. We had only been together for a short period of time, when due to his clingy-ness and possessiveness I told him I needed a time out, and he made it permanant. I ask myself now

why do I feel I regret this decision?

Now that i think of it, the only other relationship decision I regret, was breaking up with a bf W I'd been with for over 5 yrs, for the exact same reasons. I mean it was much more intricate and involved with W, but it still boiled down to the same reasoning....he became very clingy, and very very possessive. He read my diary yep, he waited till I wasn't home and searched for it, and I walked in and he was sitting on the couch with my diary and a bottle of tequila. I was pissed off to the utmost of pisstivity. He didn't even care, he went on about something I wrote about another guy (it wasn't major, I think I was saying I thought he was attractive, sweet...) but the point of a diary is you can say what you want or what you think regardless if you act on it or not. I did not plan on cheating on him, but that was the straw that broke the camels back. When i told him it was over he lost it, he followed me around for weeks, I would be in a club and turn around and he would be in a corner watching me, i would come home and he'd be parked across the street from my building looking up at my window, he would call, my room-mate would tell him to hold on, I'd pick up the phone an hour or two later wondering why it was off the hook and he'd still be on the phone, holding. I came out my apartment one morning to find him sleeping in the stairwell, I cursed him out good for that one. Finally he told me he wanted to be with me no matter what, even if I wanted to be with other people he didn't care, even if I slept with other people, it didn't matter. This only served to make me feel sorry for him...and not in that "oh my god i feel so sorry i want to get back with you" way, but in the "oh my god i cant believe you're acting like such a loser" kind of way.

I always though afterwards that I may have made a mistake on that one, that I really "did him wrong", that he really loved me and maybe I would never find somone who loved me as much as he did. But now....i mean just now as I'm writing this, I think I'm realising that maybe, just maybe it was something a little different than love...something that could have really hurt me in the long run. just maybe.

he doesnt speak to me anymore. about 3 mos later he got married, and about a year after that he seperated and we fooled around for a few mos, but even then I couldnt put my heart into it and he knew it, we stopped seeing each other, he got back with his wife and now he wont speak to me. I ran into him at the park once where we were giving a concert, he was with his wife and they'd had a child. If looks could kill, when he introduced me to his wife, her face went from genial to stone so fast I almost flinched. She said "oh, you're Chase" like she was spitting out the words and they left a bad taste. I just said, "yep", smiled, and kept it moving. coincidently, I saw him on the train about a week later and when i said hello he told me that he couldnt speak to me becuase his wife wouldn't allow it. I said "allow?" and he just looked away. I sucked my teeth, pulled a book out of my bag and ignored him for the rest of the trip. we never spoke again. 5 yrs was a long time to be in a relationship, and I do regret dearly, losing him as a friend.

back to my other ex and the emails....why do I feel I regret it...I guess I really don't. Not anymore. he was a good, guy...so was W, but it wasn't meant to be. Even if we had of stayed together, it probably wouldn't have worked out. Possessiveness and clingy-ness are two things that will run me off in a NY minute. I need someone who knows who they are and what they stand for. Someone who trusts me...yeah, a streak of jealousy can be exciting once in a while, but if it comes off as sincere worry about my faithfulness, then there's a problem. I know they both loved me in their own ways...but a big part of love is trust and the ability to allow a certain amount of freedom. Trust.....that's the key.

Do her children eat dog food?

2006-01-31T23:02:00.000-05:00

Folks, I am just blown away. I wonder if she would mix up a batch in her kitchen and put it on her china and set it in front of her own children.

Dog food destined for starving children
30 January 2006
By JO MCKENZIE-MCLEAN

A Canterbury woman's plan to send powdered dog food to starving Kenyan children has not been given the thumbs up by Oxfam New Zealand.

A shipment of 6000 emergency packs of dog food mixture is bound for Rusinga Island on Kenya's Lake Victoria as part of a relief effort for the area's starving children.

Christine Drummond, founder of Mighty Mix dog food, said she was working with a Kenyan aid agency to provide the raw ingredients for a special nutritional food.
A shipment is due to leave Lyttelton in March.

But the scheme has failed to get the thumbs up from at least one international aid agency.

Drummond said the relief food, called NZ's Raw Dry Nourish, used the same ingredients as Mighty Mix dog food biscuits.

"The first plan was to send dog biscuits and change the vitamins then when I heard there were so many little children I could not send them a bicky," she said.
Instead she developed a powder that she says just needs water added to form a sustainable meal.

The formula was packed with freeze-dried meats â€“ beef, mutton, pork and chicken, deer velvet, green lip mussel, kelp, garlic, egg, whole grain cereals and cold-pressed flax seed flour, she said.

"I made it out of ingredients they are used to eating, so the main bulk product is corn."

Drummond said she was exporting the raw ingredients to Kenya where it would be mixed by charity staff according to her recipe.

Drummond was devised the mixture after talking to North Canterbury woman Lois McGirr whose daughter had recently returned from a poverty-stricken village in Kenya. The pair had teamed up to get the food to Kenya.

McGirr said she was distributing the food through the Mercy Mission charity, based in Kenya, and was promoting the food as a "nutritional supplement" rather than dog food.

"I do not think it's deceitful. I would be happy to tell them the full story but as long as the doctors she (Drummond) has been working with have been okaying it, I don't think it's an issue. It's not just a dog food."

The Press tried to contact the Mercy Mission through a number on its website, but calls were met by a recorded message.

Mighty Mix dog food agent Gaynor Siviter said that if the dog food mixture helped the Kenyan children as it helped dogs, it would be "marvellous".

"The dogs thrive on it. They have energy, put on weight. It's bizarre but if it's edible and it works for these people then it's a brilliant idea. It beats eating rice."

Oxfam New Zealand executive director Barry Coates said he had not heard of the scheme but it was unlikely to achieve the desired outcome.

"I think it is much better to get food supplies from within Kenya rather than sending it around the world.

"Sending food shipments from New Zealand to Kenya does not seem to be the best use of time and effort and the fact it's coming from a dog food manufacturer could make people suspicious."

Drought, crop failures and massive food shortages in parts of the east African country have left millions of people without access to adequate food supplies.
Oxfam International estimates the number of people at risk is between 2.5 million and 3.5 million.

Meanwhile, I'm at the bank yesterday, and when i was leaving there was a grinding noise in my tire, i thought i had curbed the tire, but that wasn't the case, a piece of metal fell out of the right front tire, I was able to get the car across the street to a tire place (with a nasty grinding noise the whole while) and they basically told me that the brake fell out of the tire.

?!?!

so anyway....i wound up having to have the car towed, and incurring a 475 buck bill that i have no idea how im going to pay. this was just NOT in my "things that have to be paid this month" budget....

:(

Child on Child Sexual Abuse

2006-01-26T15:36:00.000-05:00

Dr Deb wrote a great post "What Parents Need to Know About Child Sexual Abuse". It gives info that most of us hear a lot about, but also has a lot of info that you may not know. So head over there and read that, if you get a chance.

One of the things that I felt was lacking in the article, and which may need an article all to itself is Child on Child Sexual Abuse. As parents, we spend a lot of time worrying about that "stranger" our child may come in contact with, or warily eyeballing the little league coach, boy scout leader, male librarian, school security guard, odd neighbor, etc, ever since we were told that much sexual abuse is committed by someone the child knows.

By the time my daughter was 5 or 6, she had never spent the night out of my home, she was never left during the day with anyone, whether I knew them or not, I just wasn't in the habit of leaving her with people. I was asked to go out with a group of friends one weekend, and my close friend, (that I had known since we were kids) said that she would watch my daughter for the night. She had two girls about 8 and 10 at the time and a little boy about 3 or 4. Although I don't believe the fact that my friend was married to a woman had anything to do with what happened, many people have disagreed. Maybe they're right, I'm not sure. The fact is, the 10 year old molested my daughter that night, she didn't penetrate her, but she touched her, and a few days later, my daughter told me. I was horrified. Absolutely horrified.

When she explained what happened she told me that it was her fault. I talked to her, I told her it wasn't her fault, that the girl shouldn't have touched her, and all the things we tell someone after the fact.

Inside I was screaming; "how could i have let this happen?", "what was so important about going out?", "I should have known better". Years later I understand that as a single mother, it is important that you get out of the house, even if just for a sense of perspective, or to be around other adults. I also recognize the need to have someone you can trust to keep your child/children, and how difficult that can be.

We talked about it that day, and a few times after that, and after a while she didn't seem to want to talk about it anymore, so I let it go. A few months ago, I wrote an entry about her coming home one day after school and our conversation when she asked me if she might be gay, because there was a girl in school she had a crush on. Long story short, midway through the convo she referenced the girl who had touched her those many years ago. I was shocked. I didn't think she even remembered it, no less that she would place it smack dab in the middle of a convo about sexual identity, I really was floored.

When I told her I was suprised that she remembered that, she said "Oh yeah, I always remembered it, it's bothered me for a long time". (Again with the shock.) I'm like "why didn't you talk to me about it, we talk about everything" she said something to the effect of it wasn't a constant thing on her mind but she did think about it sometimes. So again, I told her it wasn't her fault, we talked about it for a while, I made sure she was clear on what happened, the situation, etc and especially, again and again I made sure she was clear that she did nothing to make this happen to her.

So.....A friend of mine has a son, good kid, he's 9....doesn't get in trouble, comes from a good home. His mom has a friend who has a son the same age, they've been friends a few years and their sons have participated in a lot of activities together. Not to go into deatial here, but that boy molested her son one night during a sleepover, and she busted him. It was a bad scene and she won't deal with that person anymore, but it makes you wonder what kind of damage has already been done?

Ask yourself how many times your child has sleepovers?

where do the childen sleep?

It's obviously not enought to seperate the sexes as these two incidences show, they were same-sex molestings.

Are we to assume that any child that molests another child, has been molested themselves?

Or do we chalk it up to child curiosity?

If we chalk it up to child curiosity, are we saying that one child cannot molest another?

should we assume that these incidences happen only at night? or could they happen at the beach, pool, park, bathrooms, clubhouses, basements, closets, playground?

I don't have all the answers. I just saying that it's something that needs to be looked at, and we need to be aware of the other children they are around. We need to be aware of their sleeping arrangements, what games they are playing, and as much of the background of the other child as is possible.

Do I sound paranoid? Maybe. But you wouldn't let a stranger sleep over in your kids room, but we let kids they know JUST from school sleep over?

Myself, I don't let Jess sleep over other peoples house (except her grandmother and her aunt...that's it) and I monitor the kids that come to my house as well as keep an eye on them when they're in her room for hours on end. I actually think being a little paranoid is better than thinking it couldn't happen to your child, because once the child is molested or raped, their's no going back, you cannot earase, undo or turn back time, and the long term affects it may have on your child are still unknown.

What do you think?

2 Sons

2006-01-24T11:39:00.000-05:00

For my blogfriend 2Sons, I finally found your blog, and I tried to leave a message, and it says your comments are restricted to team members only, and you do not have an email listed. I don't know if this is on purpose, because yopu do not want people to leave comments, but let me know either way.

33 for a moment

2006-01-20T17:26:00.000-05:00

I’m fifteen for a moment, caught in between ten and twenty, And I’m just dreaming, counting the ways to where you are.

I’m twenty-two for a moment, she feels better than ever, And we’re on fire, making our way back from Mars.

Fifteen, there’s still time for you, time to buy and time to lose. Fifteen, there’s never a wish better than this, When you've only got a hundred years to live.

I’m thirty-three for a moment, still the man but you see I’m a \"they\", A kid on the way babe, a family on my mind.

I’m forty-five for a moment, the sea is high, And I’m heading into a crisis, chasing the years of my life.

Fifteen, there’s still time for you, Time to buy and time to lose yourself within a morning star. Fifteen, I’m all right with you. Fifteen, there’s never a wish better than this, When you've only got a hundred years to live.

Halftime goes by, suddenly you’re wise!
Another blink of an eye, sixty-seven is gone.
The sun is getting high, we’re moving on.

I’m ninety-nine for a moment, dying for just another moment, And I’m just dreaming, counting the ways to where you are.

Fifteen, there's still time for you.
Twenty-two, I feel her too.
Thirty-three, you're on your way.
Every day's a new day.

Fifteen, there’s still time for you, time to buy and time to choose.
Hey fifteen, there’s never a wish better than this
When you've only got a hundred years to live.

This song by Five for Fighting (which by the way is only one guy) makes me catch my breath every time I hear it. Sometimes we forget that our time here is limited, and we get so caught up in the minutia of our daily lives, we forget that we are but a speck in this universe, a mere drop of water in the ocean of the universe.

Take a moment today and tell someone you love them....call someone who you've been thinking about and tell them so....give someone you know a hug....give a homeless person 3 bucks....do something different. Make a difference. Even if it's only in the life of a child, a mate/spouse, friend, parent...or a stranger.

Pay it forward was always such an awesome concept to me. You do something thats above and beyond for someone and let them know that the only thing you expect from them is that they "pay it forward" by doing something, sometime, for someone else. Can you imagine what an awesome world this would be if we practiced that concept?

Thank You Martin.

2006-01-15T23:13:00.000-05:00

"Violence as a way of achieving racial justice is both impractical and immoral. It is impractical because it is a descending spiral ending in destruction for all. It is immoral because it seeks to humiliate the opponent rather than win his understanding; it seeks to annihilate rather than to convert. Violence is immoral because it thrives on hatred rather than love."

"Nothing in the world is more dangerous
than sincere indifference,
and concientious stupidity"

...but what is a bitter, bitter shame is that martinlutherking.com is a PORN site, and martinlutherking.org is run by Stormfront, a white supremist organization. It's a fucking crying shame. (yeah I know I don't normally cuss on here, but if anything deserves it, this does.) Just answer me one question....all of those thousands of Martin Luther King book reports that are due on tuesday...how many of those children either saw tits and ass, or Stormfront crap (masked as a martin luther friendly site I might add)? ::shakes head::: It's a crying shame that there's no way to take these site names from them, but I BET a MILLION dollars, if this was to happen to Georgebush.com not only would the site dissapear, but the people who made them would probably disapear to0....

landslide

2006-01-15T21:44:00.000-05:00

I took my love, I took it down
Climbed a mountain and I turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
'Til the landslide brought me down

Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love
Can the child within my heart rise above
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides
Can I handle the seasons of my life

Well, I've been afraid of changing
'Cause I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder, even children get older
And I'm getting older too

Oh, take my love, take it down
Aha, climb a mountain and turn around
And if you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well, the landslide will bring it down

And if you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well, the landslide will bring it down

Joe went to NJ w/ his mother to take care of some personal business. He left last tuesday and will be back this tuesday. I miss him terribly, and it has made me think of what my life would be like without him. He is an awesome presence in my life as well as my daughters life, and I think we are better because of him.

I spoke to him tonight, and he told me he's so ready to be home, which, of course I was glad to hear.

I'm not used to being in a house this size. Even when we stayed in our tiny little apartment, I was nervous if he wasn't there at night, but this house...this is something totally different. If someone broke into the house, my bedroom is so far from the front I wouldn't hear it. Granted if they came in the back I would probably blow their brains out....but I guess you can see where the whole thing just makes me nervous. lol

I've spent the whole weekend putting tons of Jessica's 14/16 clothes up on Ebay, I've always bought her quility clothing, and most of it is in like-new condition, so I think it will sell. it should. If so, I will put it toward her 14th birthday that is coming up in Feb. She wants to have her party here at the house and invite kids from school. We're talking about 50 or so kids. I'm so not looking forward to it. It's bad enough when she has two of her girlfriends here this weekend...they giggle like mad at absolutely nothing, eat like horses and hog up the phone.

Yeah, yeah I'm complaining....but she's a good kid...and it's all a part of being a teenager....in a sense, I'm kind of enjoying it all. I know in a few years she'll be running off into the sunrise of her life, so I have to enjoy even the moments that drive me nuts. It scares me to know that one day she won't be my "little girl" anymore...she will grow up and one day become someone else's "mommy"....will she still be my little girl?

I suppose at that time, I will be able to look back, and see the work that I put into my little girl to make her into a woman....and maybe have the opprotunity to revel in being a grandmother. I ask god to bless our relationship all the time....the last thing I want is for us to have an adversarial relationship, like my mother and I had. So far, so good...she still talks to me about everything, and we're able to laugh about most things, rather than take them too seriously. I'm lucky to have her.

Bodhichitta

2006-01-12T00:17:00.000-05:00

Bodhichitta, Three Lords of Materialism
Current mood: introspective

My friend Henry sent me this. It made such an impression on me, I'm going to get the book. The truth is a beautiful thing whether we want to face it or not.

---

"Chitta means 'mind' and also 'heart' or 'attitude'. Bodhi means 'awake,' 'enlightened,' or 'completely open.'

Sometimes the completely opened heart and mind of bodhichitta is called the soft spot, a place as vulnerable and tender as an open wound. It is equated in part, with our ability to love…

----

A teaching that supports us in this process of unblocking bodhichitta is that of the three lords of materialism. These are the three ways that we shield ourselves from this fluid, un-pin-downable world, three strategies we use to provide ourselves with the illusion of security. This teaching encourages us to become very familiar with these strategies of ego, to see clearly how we continue to seek comfort and ease in ways that only strengthen our fears...

The first of the three lords of materialism is called the lord of form. It represents how we look to externals to give us solid ground. We can begin to pay attention to our methods of escape. What do I do when I feel anxious and depressed, bored or lonely? Is 'shopping therapy' my way of coping? Or do I turn to alcohol or food? Do I cheer myself up with drugs or sex, or do I seek adventure? Do I prefer retreating into the beauty of nature or into the delicious world provided by a really good book? Do I fill up the space by making phone calls, by surfing the net, by watching hours of TV? Some of these methods are dangerous, some are humorous, some are quite benign. The point is that we can misuse any substance or activity to run away from insecurity. When we become addicted to the lord of form, we are creating the causes and conditions for suffering to escalate. We can't get any lasting satisfaction no matter how hard we try. Instead the very feelings we're trying to escape from get stronger. ...No matter how we get trapped our usual reaction is not to become serious about what's happening. We do not naturally investigate the strategies of ego. Most of us just blindly reach for something familiar that we associate with relief and then wonder why we stay dissatisfied. The radical approach of bodhichitta practice is to pay attention to what we do. Without judging it we train in kindly acknowledging whatever is going on. Eventually we might decide to stop hurting ourselves in the same old ways.

The second of the three lords of materialism is the lord of speech. This lord represents how we use beliefs of all kinds to give us the illusion of certainty about the nature of reality. Any of the 'isms' - political, ecological, philosophical, or spiritual-can be misused in this way... The problem isn't with the beliefs themselves but with how we use them to get ground under our feet, how we use them to feel right and to make someone else wrong, how we use them to avoid feeling the uneasiness of not knowing what is going on... Being caught by the lord of speech may start with just a reasonable conviction about what we feel to be true. However, if we find ourselves becoming righteously indignant, that's a sure sign that we've gone too far and that our ability to effect change will be hindered. Beliefs and ideals have become just another way to put up walls.

The third lord, the lord of mind, uses the most subtle and seductive strategy of all. The lord of mind comes into play when we attempt to avoid uneasiness by seeking special states of mind. We can use drugs this way. We can use sports. We can use falling in love. We can use spiritual practices. There are many ways to obtain altered states of mind. These special states are addictive. It feels so good to break free from our mundane experience. We want more... Even though peak experiences might show us the truth and inform us about why we are training, they are essentially no big deal. If we can't integrate them into the ups and downs of our lives, if we cling to them, they will hinder us. We can trust our experiences as valid, but then we have to move on and learn to get along with our neighbors. Then even the most remarkable insights can begin to permeate our lives... It isn't the special states themselves that are the problem, it's their addictive quality. Since it is inevitable that what goes up must come down, when we take refuge in the lord of mind we are doomed to disappointment.

Each of us has a variety of habitual tactics for avoiding life as it is. In a nutshell, that's the message of the three lords of materialism. This simple teaching is, it seems, everyone's autobiography. When we use these strategies we become less able to enjoy the tenderness and wonder that is available in the most unremarkable of times. Connecting with bodhichitta is ordinary.

When we don't run from everyday uncertainty, we can contact bodhichitta. It's a natural force that wants to emerge. It is, in fact, unstoppable. Once we stop blocking it with ego's strategies, the refreshing water of bodhichitta will definitely begin to flow. We can slow it down. We can dam it up. Nevertheless, whenever there's an opening, bodhichitta will always appear, like those weeds and flowers that pop out of the sidewalk as soon as there's a crack."

~ Excerpts from Pema Chodron's book, The Places That Scare You : A Guide to Fearlessness in Difficult Times

coolness

2006-01-08T22:51:00.000-05:00

Some cool things I've come across that you might like.

Google Earth

One of the coolest things I've seen in a long time. Fly from space to your neighborhood. Type in an address and zoom right in. Search for schools, parks, restaurants, and hotels. Get driving directions. Tilt and rotate the view to see 3D terrain and buildings. Save and share your searches and favorites. Even add your own annotations. Google Earth puts a planet's worth of imagery and other geographic information right on your desktop. View exotic locales like Maui and Paris as well as points of interest such as local restaurants, hospitals, schools, and more.

I think what blew me away the most was going from outer space, and zooming in right to my house. I saves searches like, where I grew up, my moms house, my sisters house, my business partners house. When I click my house and then click my sisters address, it zooms from my house to her house in NJ. Very breathtaking, and very cool. Here's a screenshot of my house, you can click on it to enlarge it.

Google Earth System requirements include;

Operating system: Windows 2000, Windows XP
CPU speed: Intel® Pentium® PIII 500 MHz
System memory (RAM): 128MB
200MB hard-disk space
3D graphics card: 3D-capable video card with 16MB VRAM
1024x768, 32-bit true color screen
Network speed: 128 kbps ("Broadband/Cable Internet")

and sorry Mac users, they're not ready for you guys yet. If you decide to check it out, let me know what you think.

Retrievr

From the folks at Flickr, comes Retrievr. You draw a shape in the lil box and it "retrieves" pictures that contain the same shape elements. Sometimes the results are amazing....sometimes, not so much. But you will wind up seeing lots and lots of amazing photos. Who knew there were so many talented photographers out there?

Here's a line drawing I did and the results. The best on was the lady with the lags (bottom left), not an exact match, but definitly an interesting one. You can check it out yourself at Retrievr

Legal Vote

On Legal Vote, all of you fans of Law and Order and CSI can have a voice and be heard! Read about real cases and vote on what you think was right or wrong in the case.

A current case reads:

In July of 1992, 32-year-old Mr. P. was struck by a police car while he was riding his motorcycle. While being treated in the emergency room, he was given a tetanus shot. He subsequently developed Chronic Inflammatory Demyelinating Polyneuropathy (CIDP) -- a serious and debilitating disease.

Is Mr. P.'s condition the result of the treatment he received for injuries sustained in the accident?

The site claims that these are fact situations of real cases involving real individuals. Your input and opinions can actually affect how a real case will be tried in front of a jury, or may actually bring about a settlement of the case.

Pretty cool eh?

Well. thats all I have for now. I've been doing tons of cleaning for the new year. Which reminds me, don't forget to check out my list of things for trade. C'mon, I know I'm not the only one doing spring cleaning, don't you have some stuff you want to get rid of and get something cool in return?

I have plans to make another quilt, im cutting squares right now...I cleaned jess's room and she has tons of old t-shirts that I can't give away or sell because of stains, so I'll just cut them into squares for quilting. I'm going to make a quilt for my other two nieces, and may make one for my sister as a suprise for her birthday. (crossing fingers, hoping she doesnt read this, lol)

I'm 97% done with my latest painting, and I'm going to post pics of it as well as pics of my studio for those who have asked in the past if they could see it.

Do you know anyone who does life insurance that I could ask a question? Let me know.

New

2006-01-02T12:55:00.000-05:00

Well I passed through the holidays, relatively unscathed. I didn't go online much, but I cleaned out my office and art studio, tried out some new recipes, and I made a queen size quilt for my daughter and a crib size one for my niece. It was my first time making a quilt, but I wanted to give her something special that she could have for many years. It's a little larger than queen size...I hand cut all the squares and hearts, sewed the designs and hearts on by hand from little pieces of different things; her pajamas from when she was a baby, an old blanket, ect.

Here's one pic, I posted a bunch on my photoblog right here.

When I gave it to her she said

her: this is the best gift I got for Christmas

me: cut the crap, you got an mp3 player

her: but this is handmade mom, you made it with love

the girl is something else, she knows how to make me cry and be proud all at the same time. :)

I'm going to post pics of the quilt as soon as I find the cord to my digital camera.

Here's the recipe for my New Years Drink...I call it a Magarlisa (lol)(lisa is my name, chase is my nickname)

A large Margarita glass (bigger the better)

put sugar in a dish, wet rim and dip rim in sugar to coat rim.

fill glass halfway with lemonade. either store bought or homemade (homemade is best)
add

one shot of peach schnapps
one shot of Ameretto
two shots of Malibu (coconut rum)
sugar if you need it sweeter
crushed ice

I make a quart sized container, so just add ingredients as per cup.

sit back, sip and enjoy. :)

I also made an awesome spinach and artichoke dip, like the one you get a Houlahan's, black eyed peas and rice (called Hoppin John..it's good luck to make on New Years), and some great cookies (Choc Chip, Oatmeal crisps and butterscotch chip...email me for recipes)

Jessica's back home. I'm feeling good. Ready to start a wonderful New Year. Life is good.

:)

Oh, by the way, I put up a list of things I have for trade. I will be adding tons of stuff to this list. I did something like this a few years back and it was awesome. (I could put the stuff on ebay, but it's just not as much fun. lol) Check it out, there may be something I have that you want. I will add this as a link on the side of my blog later today so you can reference it as I add new things.

Items For Trade (click here)

Mad World

2005-12-13T14:01:00.000-05:00

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
And their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow

Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday
Made to feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me

And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dream in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
'Cos I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very
Mad World

Mad world indeed.....I have so much to write about, and I know I've been a little sporadic in writing. But when I have so much I want to say, sometimes it seems like way too much for me to get written down, and I keep putting it off. The month of December has always been a weird month for me. The hustle and bustle of consumerism, and focus on material things glaringly brings to the forefront things that I and so many others do not have. I don't put myself in the same boat as others that I know have it so much worse than me financially, my bills get paid, my family is taken care of, but we have real needs that are put on the backburner for the monthly bills.

A few entries ago I wrote about my sister Carol and her murder at the hands of her husband. Since I wrote that entry, another blogger, who is a law student, sent me some articles about the case, which enabled me to find out more than I ever knew about what actually happened. It has opened sort of like a puzzle, with unexpected pieces that keep dropping into place, making the story more surreal than I ever thought possible. Here's the story that ran in the Chicago Tribune when it happened in 1982.

.....................

MAN DIDN'T KILL WIFE FOR CASH, JUDGE RULES

By Linnet Myers.

A man accused of killing his wife to collect $250,000 in insurance money was acquitted Tuesday by a Cook County Criminal Court judge who said there was "a dark cloud of suspicion" over the defendant but not enough evidence to convict him.
Herbert Cammon, 35, was acquitted of murder charges after a bench trial before Judge Thomas Maloney. Maloney said Cammon was "a schemer, crooked, ignorant and callous; many circumstances cast a dark cloud of suspicion over him." But he said the "the evidence doesn't add up to proof beyond a reasonable doubt." Cammon, a social worker, told police that he found his wife dead when he returned to their Hyde Park apartment on April 27, 1982.

At first, he told police that he had no life insurance on his wife, former model and nightclub singer Carol Di-Pasalegne. But detectives later discovered that she was insured for $250,000. "Here we have motives, continuous lies, insurance, broken alibis. . . . Was there a reason for Herbert Cammon to kill his wife? There were 250,000 reasons for Herbert Cammon to kill his wife," said Robert Clifford, an assistant state's attorney, during closing arguments.

After Maloney announced his decision to acquit him, Cammon looked back at his mother, who cried with relief and later said, "Thank God! I had faith all the time."

Cammon and DiPasalegne were married on April 11 after a two-month "whirlwind romance," prosecutors said. Sixteen days later, she was strangled and stabbed in the face 20 times. She and Cammon had taken out insurance poli-cies three days before their wedding.

There were no signs of forced entry at the East 55th Street apartment, and a building worker said he saw Cammon in the basement the night of the murder, although Cammon said he was not there.

Cammon stood trial in 1984, but jurors split 10-2 for a guilty verdict and a mistrial was declared. This time, Cam-mon chose the judge instead of a jury.

Defense lawyer Patrick Tuite told the judge that the case was purely circumstantial. "We have here the fact that the defendant might benefit from his wife's death, but that's not evidence of murder," he said. He also argued that the prosecution did not refute the testimony of Cammon's alibi witness, a friend who said Cammon was with him at the time of the slaying. Tuite also pointed to an unexplained piece of evidence-the type B blood found on the knife that killed DiPasalegne. DiPasalegne's blood was Type A; Cammon's is Type O. Prosecutors theorized that the alibi witness, who had Type A-B blood, may have been with Cammon during the murder. Tuite, though, argued that they were "creating fiction."

More than 20 witnesses testified, including an insurance agent who said Cammon rejected her advice that he take out a $50,000 policy and insisted on a $250,000 policy that paid off immediately. One of Cammon's friends said Cammon had argued heatedly with him when he said that life insurance takes six months to go into effect. The friend said Cammon had driven home, gotten the policy and brought it back to prove his point, according to Jack Steed, another assistant state's attorney.

Evidence of Cammon's homosexuality was introduced at his first trial, but Maloney ruled it irrelevant during the retrial. Prosecutors contend that Cammon lived with a male roommate for five years and moved back right after his wife's death.

After reading that article, I realized, ok......there was another person involved in the killing....most likely the same man who lived with Herbert (her husband) before and after Carol's death, and who was also his alibi witness. Stevie Wonder could see that this was a likely scenario. Since they didn't have DNA in '82, maybe now they can take the DNA off the knife, and match it to the other guy?

So...I started making phone calls. Chicago courts, Chicago police, and about 50 calls later I was speaking to a cold case detective in Chicago. She was really nice and after talking about everything she agreed that there probably was reason to see if the case should be opened, and that she would order the files and call me back, probably in a few weeks, but definitely after the holidays.

The next day, another officer from cold case called me, he had worked on the case last year, when they had actually opened the case. He agreed that I was right in suspecting Herbert's boyfriend, and that they had opened the case last year and were looking into that lead (the details of which I won't go into here) but that it didn't work out.

He proceeded to tell me that there was a lot more involved than just the murder, he told me that there was a book that talked about my sister's case written by Robert Cooley called When Corruption Was King (the link goes to the books website). He told me he wasn't sure how much was written about Carol, but he did know the case was referenced in the book.

He also said for now, there's nothing they can do because EVERY single piece of evidence having to do with the case was destroyed. When I asked why, he pointed me to the book again, and said he hated to tell me but that Judge Maloney (who I later found out is incarcerated) was paid off to acquit Herbert in my sisters case. In fact Maloney is "The first American judge ever (and since) convicted for fixing murder cases."

So....so...so...now I go to the website looking to see if there's anything mentioned about my sister. The only thing I found was under "Cast of Characters" he has a list of names, then the last one says "Guest Appearances" and he has the names Ed and Anne Burke listed. (Chicago’s power political couple and their special defense for a child molester and wife stabber.) That had to be what the cop was talking about.

If you check out the website, you'll understand that the guy who wrote it, Cooly was an attorney who took bribes and then decided he didn't want to anymore so from 1986 to 1989, he wore a recording device and developed criminal cases against mobsters and corrupt officials. His investigation led to nine federal trials in the Nineties and convictions or guilty pleas for twenty-four.

As if I wasn't overwhelmed enough, I emailed Bob Cooley, and he calls me back that night! I called him back the next day and we talked for over an hour, and he told me many many things about what he had been through, the current state of the justice system in Chicago, and tons of other stuff. About my sister he said he remembered walking into the court offices the day her case came up, and hearing the other lawyers discussing how disgusting and horrifying the case was, and then being told by someone else that the presiding judge was being bought, that the first judge was asked to recluse himself from the case by Burke and when he refused was asked (by Burke) "it's just a nigger, why do you care about a nigger?" I'm not really shocked, living here in GA for the few mos I've been here so far has exposed me to more racism in 6 months than I've experienced in 30 years. It's pathetic how people can walk around claiming to be god fearing christians, yet still manage to hate another human being, and Burke and his wife are said to be devout Catholics.

After talking things over with my sister, we're exploring what options we may, or may not, have right now. Best case scenario, would be to see this other suspect in jail. In lieu of that, we're going to look for an attorney in Chicago and see what our options are for a civil case against Herbert's estate, the city of Chicago, the county the case was in, the judge who took the bribe....whatever we can do to ruffle feathers and raise awareness, which could have the effect of bringing forth more witnesses or evidence.

Other than that, I'm ok. Jessica is in NJ with her father's family. I was a little upset about that....ok...a LOT upset about it, being that we're in a new home, I was kind of wanting a "at home" christmas...but I realized that it wasn't all about Jessica, but also about the fact that my sister and her children aren't here....and that I'm here with no family and friends whatsoever, so that was what was really having me feeling a little lonely. Jessica is really happy, seeing her grandmother, sister, cousins, ect. So I'm happy, that she's happy.

The car is in the shop, something about the transmission, hopefully I'll have it back by xmas.

So for the next two weeks I'll pretty much be alone at the house, Joe works almost every day from 5am till about 6pm....

I've made a list of things I want to get done in this time....finish at least 4 new paintings, clean out my office/art studio, read a book or two, and try to relax. :)

Oh yeah, and blog more! lol

Joy made me do this meme. 5 Random Things about me

1. I talk to my cats like they can understand me...and I'm not convinced they don't.

2. I'm only truly happy when i'm creating. Cooking, dollmaking, painting, writing, poetry, sewing, gardening, ect. Luckily I excell in these things, so when i do them, it's almost always for others and I enjoy making people happy.

3. Even though I had only Jessica, I wish I'd had more kids. 4....6....10....lol

4. I can find anything about anything online. I've become a regular sleuth, and all my friends call me when they need info about something, lol.

5. I'm awesome with directions, I can find my way to and from anywhere. I can tell north, south, east and west from anywhere.

Your questions.....

2005-11-28T23:45:00.000-05:00

Time to have some fun guys and gals (although mainly at my expense, lol) I am taking a challange and will answer any questions put to me (within reason) over the next week or so. I will post the answers in my blog as they come in. So, if there's anything u want to know about the chase'ter, here's your chance. Multiple questions are fine. go for it. :::smile::: P.s. Don't forget to take the Dr. Phil Test below!

How has your view of love changed since you were 15? (from Poorart)

hmm...when I was 15, I was dealing with an abusive step-father and an apathetic mother. My life was in such a turmoil, it's hard for me to remember what I was thinking about boys at the time because I was mostly concerned with saving myself. I ran away from home about 9 times before I finally left for good at about 15/16. Literally lived on the streets for about a year, depending on the kindness of strangers (not a good position to be in when it came to men) and then went into a home for runaway girls (after getting caught by the cops when my mother filed a missing persons report) and when given the option to go home or to the shelter, I chose the shelter.

To get to the point of your question, starting at about 15 I saw men as either a way to escape or just someone to treat me nice. That's all I wanted.....nice. Well, at least now I know better, just being nice doesn't cut it. Now I need compassion, friendship, trust...a partnership. Nice is good too, lol.

I guess I grew up huh?

Questions from Humanity

1. If you had a free shot, which actress would you want to punch in the face?

erm....I'm not a violent person (normally) and after much thought, it was a toss up between Lara Flynn Boyle, who shows women that anorexia gets rewarded. I saw her on a cover of Star or some other rag, looking like a walking skeleton on the beach, you could see every bone in her body, she looked inhuman. I literally thought she would die very soon. But NOooo....she was put on the next season of Las Vegas. Which I no longer watch in protest of her, lol.

My other (and stronger) choice would have to be Ms. Star ~~I know my man is gay but I dont care cause I need a man so bad I'm gonna marry him anyway, and if in 5 years he decides to come out the closet, I'll just write a book about it~~ Jones. Every time I watch the view I am disgusted at how she tries to fawn and front like she doesnt have a black bone in her body, and if she decides to act like she does, it has to turn into some clownish or stereotypical blackness. *sigh* let me stop, i want to punch her in the face right now....

2. What famous person would you proudly leave your lover for?

He already told me I could leave him for Vingh Rames, lol.

Any one of the men I listed in my Seven Things and More post. Richard T Jones from Judging Amy, Antonio Banderas, Idris Elba from The Wire, Djimon, Genu~~fine~~wine. HAHAhahaha. But seriously. I'm very happy with my bf....he's a good guy. he's nice too. I wouldnt want to start ove with some famous person who probably has more issues than People magazine.

3. If you were forced to listen to one band forever, who would it be?

That's an interesting question, because when you think about it, you might pick one of your favorites, but it might make more sense to pick a really good band that has tons of albums, which would offer much more variety. (I mean, hey...forever is a long ass time)

After much thought (Meshell Ndegiociello, D'Angelo, Al Green, The Temptations.....Meshell and D'Angelo, cause I already listen to their stuff over and over without getting tired of it and Al Green and the Temps for the amounts of music.)

But it finally dawned on me, who i've loved over the years....he has rock, pop, soul, sexy, love, r&b, lyrics, sing-ability*....all on one album or another....he's got a nice size catalog for variety, and I don't think he has made a song I didn't like. Prince!

(*sing-ability - a song that makes you want to sing along with it..)

4. Boxers or briefs?

Boxers I HATE Tighty Whiteys

5. If you were a hitwoman, what would be your weapon of choice?

Rifle, no contact and I'm an excellent shot. The further away, the less chance of getting caught. :::looks around::: I sounded a little too confident didnt I?

If you were forced to live the rest of your life either "with love but without sex" or "with sex but without love", what would you choose? And why? from Joy

Thats a very difficult question. A question I would probably have answered differently about 10 years ago.It brings to mind conditions in which you couldn't have sex, like, maybe being paralyzed, or having some type of disease or sexual problem.

Sex is very important in a relationship, I'm not saying it's most important, there are plenty of things that take precedence over it, like......communication, respect, honesty, but sex is definitly part of the list of what makes a happy relationship.

To answer the question, if true love was an absolute promise for the rest of my life, I would choose love.

I think....

could I masturbate?

Can we.....

you know what, nevermind, I try to keep this somewhat of a fmaily friendly blog, lmao. No need to get all x-rated up in here. I think I would choose love, because a life without love, seems so sad. and when i'm old and ain't thinkin about sex, it would be nice to have someone to share my life with when no one is interested in having sex with me anymore, lol

I would like to persoanlly thank you Joy for the following conversation with Joe.....

me: which would you choose?

him: I cant go without sex

me: then that means you can do without me? cause if you say you can do without love you must be....

him: (cutting me off): no, your different

me: why am i different

him: you just are. is this going to turn into a philisophical conversation? (turns over)

me: oh nevermind

him: ::snores:::

me: :::mumbling::: jerk

lol

Name your top 3 movies of 2005 and what you liked about each. from E.

I actually haven't watched a lot of movies lately since I moved and my dvd player broke, (or is it that I dont watch that many movies so I'm not all that focused on buying a new dvd player?) At any rate, I can only watch movies on my computer or laptop till i buy a new one...and if im on my computer or laptop, Im usually online and not thinking about watching a movie.

1. Crash - the most intense movie I have seen in a long time that efectively got across a freakin POINT about rascism. (spoiler is coming up, if you havent seen the movie I strongly suggest you skip to the next question right now.) Particularly when the cop tried to help her and she almost died refusing his help. I cried so hard and Joe thought it wasn't that serious, but I told him, "had he been doing his job, instead of victimizing her, she would have no reason to be afraid of him and almost kill them both. I swear I cried my eyes out when she relized it was him and the way she reacted. There were so many moments in that movie that spoke to the truth about the effects of slavery/rascism. I though it was brilliant.

2. Rabbit Proof Fence - it's not a 2005, but its one of my top movies I saw in 2005, that counts right? This movie shows what happens when a law is passed in Australia that any child that is mixed (aboriginal and white) must be removed from the home and placed in a group home, and trained as a house servent or something similiar and then when they grew up were given jobs and were only allowed to marry someone mixed or white. basically the govt's version of Hitler's master race plan. These little girls who were taken from their mothers, ran away and tried to walk home....across HUNDREDS OF MILES. Incedible movie.

3. Shark Tail - the most hilarious movie I'd seen in a long time...great for a laugh and for teaching kids a great lesson.

extra mentions would be: Spanglish, Yesterday

If you could meet any 5 people in the world, who would they be? from MrDeath

I'm going to assume that these would be people that are in the world and alive right now.

1. I have two older brothers by my mother who I've never met and my mother hasnt seen them since they were two and three, her then husband took them and she never saw them again. Edward and Johnny Hearne.

2. Artist Odd Nerdrum

3. Ann Rice

4. Oprah

5. im gonna come back with the last one.

honorable mentions: the green lizard from the geico commercial (I heart him, lol), Tupac (he's not dead, lol), Michelle Pfiefer, Micky Rourke, Ridley Scott, Clive Barker

what if anything was the single defining moment in your life? from Diamond

Not sure I've had it yet, or if nothing else, my life has been filled with little defining moments. The day I walked out of my job and started my own business. The day I had my daughter. The day I realized that Joe wasn't going anywhere, that he would be staying by my side. Other moments, tragic moments, happy moments....all defining moments of what is is to be me. Pretty cool huh?

My Score: 47

2005-11-28T23:34:00.000-05:00

Below is what I was told is Dr Phil's test. (supposedly Dr. Phil scored 55; he did this test on Oprah she got a 38.) Read on, this is very interesting! Don't be overly sensitive! The following is pretty accurate and it only takes 2 minutes. Take this test and post your results in my comments section (and of course feel free to send it to your friends.)

Don't peek, but begin the test as you scroll down and answer.

Answers are about who you are now...... not who you were in the past. Have pen or pencil and paper ready. This is a real test given by the Human Relations Dept. at many of the major corporations today. It helps them get better insight concerning their employees and prospective employees.

It's only 10 Simple questions, so...grab a pencil and paper, keeping
track of your letter answers to each question.

Ready??

Begin...

1. When do you feel your best?
a) in the morning
b) during the afternoon &and early evening
c) late at night

2. You usually walk...
a) fairly fast, with long steps
b) fairly fast, with little steps
c) less fast head up, looking the world in the face
d) less fast, head down
e) very slowly

3. When talking to people you.
a) stand with your arms folded
b) have your hands clasped
c) have one or both your hands on your hips
d) touch or push the person to whom you are talking
e) play with your ear, touch your chin, or smooth your hair

4. When relaxing, you sit with.
a) your knees bent with your legs neatly side by side
b) your legs crossed
c) your legs stretched out or straight
d) one leg curled under you

5. When something really amuses you, you react with...
a) big appreciated laugh
b) a laugh, but not a loud one
c) a quiet chuckle
d) a sheepish smile
6. When you go to a party or social gathering you...
a) make a loud entrance so everyone notices you
b) make a quiet entrance, looking around for someone you know
c) make the quietest entrance , trying to stay unnoticed

7. You're working very hard, concentrating hard, and you're
interrupted...
a) welcome the break
b) feel extremely irritated
c) vary between these two extremes

8. Which of the following colors do you like most?
a) Red or orange
b) black
c) yellow or light blue
d) green
e) dark blue or purple
f) white
g) brown or gray

9. When you are in bed at night, in those last few moments before going to sleep you are..
a) stretched out on your back
b) stretched out face down on your stomach
c) on your side, slightly curled
d) with your head on one arm
e) with your head under the covers

10. You often dream that you are...
a) falling
b) fighting or struggling
c) searching for something or somebody
d) flying or floating
e) you usually have dreamless sleep
f) your dreams are always pleasant

POINTS:
1. (a) 2 (b) 4 (c) 6
2. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 7 (d) 2 (e) 1
3. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 5 (d) 7 (e) 6
4. (a) 4 (b) 6 (c) 2 (d) 1
5. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 2
6. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 2
7. (a) 6 (b) 2 (c) 4
8. (a) 6 (b) 7 (c) 5 (d) 4 (e) 3 (f) 2 (g) 1
9. (a) 7 (b) 6 (c) 4 (d) 2 (e) 1
10. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 6 (f) 1

Now add up the total number of points.

OVER 60 POINTS: Others see you as someone they should handle with care." You' re seen as vain, self-centered, and who is extremely dominant. Others may admire you, wishing they could be more like you, but don't always trust you, hesitating to become too deeply involved with you.

51 TO 60 POINTS: Others see you as an exciting, highly volatile,
rather impulsive personality; a natural leader, who's quick to make decisions, though not always the right ones. They see you as bold and adventuresome, someone who will try anything once; someone who takes chances and enjoys an adventure. They enjoy being in your company because of the excitement you radiate.

41 TO 50 POINTS: Others see you as fresh, lively, charming,
amusing, practical, and always interesting; someone who's constantly in the center of attention, but sufficiently well-balanced not to let it go to their head. They also see you as kind, considerate, and understanding; someone who'll always cheer them up and help them out.

31 TO 40 POINTS: Others see you as sensible, cautious, careful &
practical. They see you as clever, gifted, or talented, but modest. Not a person who makes friends too quickly or easily, but someone who's extremely loyal to friends you do make and who expect the same loyalty in return. Those who really get to know you realize it takes a lot to shake your trust in your friends, but equally that it takes you a long time to get over if that trust is ever broken.

21 TO 30 POINTS: Your friends see you as painstaking and fussy.
They see you as very cautious, extremely careful, a slow and steady plodder. It would really surprise them if you ever did something impulsively or on the spur of the moment, expecting you to examine everything carefully from every angle and then, usually decide against it. They think this reaction is caused partly by your careful nature.

UNDER 21 POINTS: People think you are shy, nervous, and indecisive, someone who needs looking after, who always wants someone else to make the decisions & who doesn't want to get involved with anyone or anything! They see you as a worrier who always sees problems that don't exist. Some people think you're boring. Only those who know you well know that you aren't.

Now forward this to others, and put your score in the subject box
of your e-mail, like this:
> "Dr. Phil's Test, I'm a ___"

referer

items for trade

2005-11-23T01:50:00.000-05:00

I will list any items I have for trade here. (I will add new items weekly) If you have something to trade, either leave it in the comments or email me at virtualchase at aol dot come with your offer.

Here are the rules and answers to any potential questions

1. please dont insult me by offering me something crappy, that you know is worth way less than what you want.

2. on the other hand, you can offer me almost anything, two crappy items may be worth a cool item, lol. I like books, music (mostly soul, Rnb, blues, jazz, some hip hop, some country, some classical), dolls, toys, books, art supplies (paintbrushes, papers, fabric, photos, paint, pens, pencils, ect), art done by you, knick knacks, odd items, books, computer games, jewelry, anything antique, old, strange, odd or different. If you're not sure, try sending me a list with what you have and what you want off my list.

3. After I get your trade items, I will send yours. No exceptions. I've been burned before and it's not a nice feeling. If you don't trust me. Dont trade with me. Very simple.

4. ALL items are in MINT UNUSED condition unless otherwise stated.

5. ALL cd's are advance cd's and may have some type or marking on the barcode (holepunch, sticker, scratch, ect).

6. Some advances may have additional tracks and features not found on store copies.

7. ALL DVD's are shrink wrapped unless otherwise noted

If you have questions or need a photo or more details about an item, just ask.

My Trade Items

Wallflowers CD, Rebel Sweetheart

Nine Inch Nails (NIN) Cd, With Teeth

The LJ's - Likwit Junkies CD

Book. The Mushroom Man, by Sophia Powell. "A very sophisticated, and magical debut about sisters, daughters, husbands and the shimmering border between reality and myth"

Jack Johnson Kayo card. Boxing collectable card. Jack Johnson was the first black heavyweight champion. This is a collectors card in mint condition.

The Jamie Foxx Show - Complete first season (shrink wrapped)

Tony Touch CD - Last of the pro ricans

Fabolous CD Street Dreams

Authority Zero - A Passage in Time (slight cover wear from storage, but never played)

Duke Ellington DVD (feat Billie Holiday, Ivie Anderson, Mae West)

Audioslave, Out of Exile CD

Al Di Meola DVD

The Wayans Brothers 1st Season DVD

Catwoman DVD

Something The Lord Made DVD (feat Alan Rickman and Mos Def) (excellent movie!)

The Frank Sinatra Show DVD (feat Peter Lawford, Juliet Prowse, The Hi-Lo's, Hermione Gingold, and more!)

Feist CD - Let it Die

80's Playboy Magazines (email me for covers)

New Pitbull CD

SouthFM CD, Drama Kids

MC Lyte is Lytro CD

White Light Motorcade CD, Thank You Goodnight

House of 1000 Corpses Movie Soundtrack

Blood Brothers ehanced CD, Burn Piano Island Burn (?)

Flashlight Brown CD, My Degeneration

Birds of Prey CD, LIve

Cheap Trick Advance cd, Special One

Fiction Plane CD, Everything Will never.....

Codes:

[PA] Parental Advisory

wandering scent.....

2005-11-21T19:34:00.000-05:00

Lost in the forest, I broke off a dark twig
and lifted its whisper to my thirsty lips:
maybe it was the voice of the rain crying,
a cracked bell, or a torn heart.

Something from far off it seemed
deep and secret to me, hidden by the earth,
a shout muffled by huge autumns,
by the moist half-open darkness of the leaves.

Wakening from the dreaming forest there, the hazel-sprig
sang under my tongue, its drifting fragrance
climbed up through my conscious mind

as if suddenly the roots I had left behind
cried out to me, the land I had lost with my childhood---
and I stopped, wounded by the wandering scent.

Pablo Naruda

I've done a lot of thinking in the past couple of days....hell, who am I kidding, weeks. I haven't blogged as much as I would like to. I hope to rectify that. This whole nanowrimo.com thing (where you attempt to wite a novel, 50,000 words, in one month), is a blessing and a curse. I've written more in the past two weeks, than I've ever written (except for maybe something for school or work) but still nowhere near my goal, and it's definitely kept me from blogging.

I am happy with my bf, I couldn't ask for a more understanding or loving person, but it has made me examine other parts of my life and things that are making me so unhappy.

I want something....I don't know what it is....

no, that's not right...I want me

....the real me, and I don't feel like I am being the real me.

I paint, but I'm never happy with what I paint, although others love it....

I write but I hate what I write, although others love it....

I love to write and I love to paint...They are my passions, but I feel like I am not giving either the passion they deserve, that I cannot pull that passion out of my insides and/or properly represent it on paper, whether in paint or type.

I suck. That's how I feel. I suck. I have no self control, no passion, nothing.....

Ok, I don't really feel like I suck, only sometimes....When I'm being an ass and coming down on myself...Instead of just trying harder....and I know this. I don't know why I beat myself up.

skip it.

Anyway, QB sent me a copy of a case re my previous post about my sister Carol's death at the hands of her husband. The case she sent me wasn't about that trial, (but it DID mention he was acquitted of that trial 10/2), but about a case afterwards where he tried to make the insurance co pay him the 250k that he had killed her for. QB was able to get a copy of that case because there was a precedence set in it, so it is used as a teaching tool. Obviously there was no precedence set in the other case, because she was unable to get a copy of it.

However,

I spoke to someone in the courthouse and she said they could give me a copy of the file for 2.50 for the 1st page and 50 cents each page up to 100 pages, then they go to 25 cents a page. (the stenographers office said they would charge me 3.50 a page) It can still end up being a lot, considering trials can be thousands of pages, but it's better than 3.50 a page. I spoke to a girl there and we talked for about an hour, she said if I send her the initial 9.00, she'll send me the whole file. Not sure if she'll actually do it, but we'll see.

Overall its been a blessing to even find out what I do know...it's more than I knew last week. I don't care what anyone says, it might hurt, but I'll take knowing, over not knowing, any day.

So.....

An old friend called me. I met him a long time ago at a pow-wow. (a pow-wow is an American Indian party/festival/gathering/celebration) When he saw me, our eyes locked and he wouldn't stop staring, he was quite a beautiful man, and I admit I was intrigued. He walked up to me and put something in my hand, and walked away. When I looked at it, it was a sterling ear cuff with a feather hanging from it.

We never became involved, but we did remain friends. That's not to say he didn't try. He was a spiritual man, what they call a shaman, and knew healing arts. Had he not tried to sleep with me, I might have ended up his wife, but his baseness made me lose respect for him, and realizing that he had real power, only made it worse. I may be wrong, but I felt that a shaman, a medicine man, should be able to control his urges, and be "above" trying to just sleep with someone, especially since we didn't know each other. Still are actually, I felt like he should hold himself to a higher standing.

Anyway....

He consulted with a few people that I knew, it seems he told them things that he could not possibly have known, many walked away from him crying, and many things he told them came true. I did not doubt that he had real power. But I also believe many people have real power, though I know for a fact most who do, have no idea what to do with it....they block it.

Everyone is in control of their own minds, and if someone would try to enter your mind and try to influence or control you, you also have the power to prevent these things.

Sometimes he would come to mind out of the blue, and I would feel a sort of probing. I would do things to block him out (sing, chant, recite, vision) and he would call me later that night or the next day and ask why I continued to block him. After a while I shut my mind to him completely. He did some other consultations from some of my other friends, and there was a back and forth with this one female and she accused him of harassment. Our friendship had reached an impasse and we haven't spoken in almost 9 years.

He called the office number last week, looking for my partner and I returned his call. We spoke for a while and out of the blue (go figure) he asked me why I was "so sad" and why I "continued to live in my tragedy".

At the time I denied it, but in retrospect, I suppose that is what I do sometimes. I wear my sadness almost like jewelry sometimes, although I admit, sometimes it feels more like shackles.

it's unfortunate that tragedies define points in my life, but they do. I can't help that. Sure, they're points I'd like to forget if I could, but I can't. I can only seek to understand what may be totally not understandable and totally indecipherable. Even if I get a case file, will it tell me why he killed her? Will I ever know why my father acted the way he did? or my stepfather? or my mother? or my brother? Can we ever know what is in someone else's heart....The answer is no, we cannot. Perhaps that disturbs me most of all.

and perhaps, in defiance of my knowledge, I am hurting only myself. Perhaps I am killing a small part of my passion....My life..... Because I cannot let go.

I cannot leave these things alone. I fuck with them over and over like picking a sore, or twisting my hair, or eating, or pacing, not sleeping, drinking, or any of the mindless destructive things that people do to torture themselves.

I hope to purge myself by writing, then I tell myself, am I doing it to find sympathy? Then I feel guilt when I do get sympathy, because it is then that I realize I'm not looking for sympathy. Although I do realize that circumstances evoke it.

I'm really writing for self understanding, purging, an outlet....

I could turn off my comments, but I like you all to much for that, hearing what you have to say does help in its way.

so fuck it....I have to finish what I started. I never meant for my blog to turn into a purge, but I don't have the energy to start another blog, or change my name or any of that bullshit....

I'm tired. I just want to put it all down and then leave it there. Walk away if I can....

let the posts become older....go into the archives and slide their way down the page until they disappear in a dark archive a year from now.

Maybe you'll stay, maybe it will be a bit much and you'll go to sunnier, funnier, sexier blogs...and to be honest, I wouldn't blame you. I'll still come visit you, and if I do, its cause I really do like you, at least the part you choose to show me.

Overall, I want to wish you a happy thanksgiving. May you be surrounded by love, happiness and people you want to be around. Family is cool, friends are great. Don't be sad if you don't have all of your family with you as long as you have people around who love you, remember "Blood is thicker than water, but love is thicker than blood." Best wishes to you and yours. I'll probably be back on Friday.

If you get a chance, check out my new client www.amirsulaiman.com

Thanks for listening.

Chase

Update (next day)

I just finished reading a post by lightfeather on forgiveness, and it made me realize that not being able to forgive is a large part of my problem and angst. I could probably write a laundry list of the people who I need to forgive, but more than half of them I still hate so much and dont feel they deserve forgiveness....not neccesarily from me, but from anyone.

I gotta meditate on this, but I thank lightfeather....without even meaning to, she turned on a light in one of the rooms of my mind, and I'm always thankful for a little light. :::smile::::

Sometimes I forget Completely....

2005-11-08T21:35:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I forget completely
what companionship is.
Unconcious and insane, I spill sad
energy everywhere. My story
gets told in various ways: a romance,
a dirty joke, a war, a vacancy.

Divide up my forgetfulness to any number,
it will go around.
These dark suggestions that I follow,
are they part of some plan?
Friends, be careful. Don't come near me
out of curiosity, or sympathy.

Rumi

This is my sister Carol (if you click on the picture I think you can view it more closely). She appeared on the cover of this issue of Jet Magazine the same year I was born. Carol was my oldest sister, by my father, but I never got to meet her. I can only tell the story the way i remember it, and unless I meet someone from Chicago, who is willing to look up the court transcripts, I'm sure there may be a hole or two in my story, but the body of it I have been told goes like this....

Carol was born in 1944 to my father and his first wife. I dont know much about her childhood, but she loved to sing and from what I understand she became the first black flight attendent for Eastern Airlines. She had a few different bands, I actually met a guy, through the music biz some years ago, who played in a band with her and gave me about 5 pictures he had of her performing. From what I've heard, she was on the cover of Jet 3 times (65, 66, 67)

She met a man who was to become her second husband, and he courted her. They fell in love, got married and bought a beautiful house. She thought the fact that they never had sex before marriage was romantic, but then after marriage they didn't have sex either. He hired a decorator to decorate their house, she was still singing in a band, and everything was fine, except they werent sleeping together. She had made plans to go back to Jersey (from Chicago) because she felt something wasnt right, and not too long after she had made this decision, one night someone broke into the house and murdered her. They stabbed her mutiple times and carved her face till she was unrecognizable.

Turns out that the decorator....male, decorator, was her husbands lover, and they had planned, even before they were married to kill her for the life insurance. This was the plan all along.

The whole story is convoluted...it's said that there was a trial, that ended with a hung jury, then another trial, but before they could bring him up for the second trial, he died. Of AIDS.

I know i should feel some sense of justice but I don't. Justice won't bring her back and thats a fact. I just wonder sometimes, why do some men see a thing of beauty and can only think to destroy it?

I know it's my sister, so of course I'm going to think she's beautiful, but I've seen it time and time again. Beautiful women sometimes are the most tragic. Many women want to be like them, but sometimes that very same beauty can be a curse. It gets you noticed far too often, even when you don't want to be. It can scare some men, but seems to make most men bold, so you are subjected to a constant stream of attention, whether you like it or not.

Sometimes I forget completely that I even had this sister, because I never was allowed the pleasure of meeting her. It was stolen from me. Then other times I come across a picture and I see her eyes, like mine and I think how much I wish I could have met her.

It was said that a part of my father died when his first born was killed. I can imagine that this is so. How could it not be?

I do know that he kept an eagle eye on any guy my other sisters or myself bought around. He would ask a lot of questions, and dig into their backgrounds. and we allowed him this....because we knew, he feared losing another.

He would say "a man should have a past, and he should not be afraid to share it with you....and if he is, something is wrong". He never liked an ex of mine Angel, because Angel didn't get along with his mother, and spoke badly of her at a dinner one night. My dad pulled me to the side later and asked plaintively "what kind of son doesnt love his mother?" He said, "if he doesnt love and respect his mother, he can never truly love and respect you" and he was right, Angel and I broke up because he did not have respect for me as woman.

I think about Carol sometimes and I wonder if she knew...if she suspected...that this man had murder on his mind. How could she think that he loved her? Was he that good an actor or was she that blind? We look at people every day and think that what we see is what is real, but in my experience there is so much we really don't know, and probably so much we don't want to know. No one can ever know truly what is in the heart of another person, and that is truly the scariest thing of all.

I tried to face the things in my past and not fear being in relationships (of any kind) because of it. Sometimes I'm successful, other times not so much.

I think the only thing my father ever feared was losing another daughter in the same way he lost Carol.

nanowrimo

2005-11-01T13:22:00.000-05:00

So today is officially the start of Nanowrimo (check out www.nanowrimo.com for more info.

Most of my writing will probably be done on the group Nanowrimo blog to your right, for the month of November. That's how long the contest is. I'll appreciate any and all support you can give me, and if I can, I'll update here as well. If not, then I pormise to resume with more of my previous stories, thoughts, flashbacks and musings as well as some really great new ones.

I can't believe how much I feel like I know some of you, and even though we're spread far and wide thruout the country, heck, the world :::waves::: Hi Sam and Rosie! I feel like you are all such beautiful people and I feel blessed when I read your blogs and when you read mine and we share our thoughts.

Thank you all who read here. It's a small thing that means a lot.

Things to do in an elevator...

2005-10-20T23:26:00.000-04:00

Things to do in an elevator...

1. When there's only one other person in the lift, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

2. Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

3. Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.

4. Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor your on.

5. Hold the doors open and say your waiting for a friend. After a while, let the doors close, and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"

6. Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then scream, "That's Mine!"

7. Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.

8. Move your desk into the lift and whenever anyone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.

9. Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to play.

10. Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they can hear ticking.

11. Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.

12. Ask, "Did you feel that?"

13. Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

14. When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay, don't panic, they open again!"

15. Swat at flies that don't exist.

16. Tell people that you can see their aura.

17. Call out, "Group Hug!” and then enforce it.

18. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you just shut up!"

19. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"

20. Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

21. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "Your One of THEM!" and back away slowly.

22. Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

23. Listen to the lift walls with your stethoscope.

24. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

25. Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce, "I have new socks on".

26. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is MY personal space!"

Whats your funniest elevator story?

Elevator disco...
http://images2.jokaroo.net/flash/elevatordisco.swf

Water from Your Spring

2005-10-19T00:31:00.001-04:00

What was in that candles light
That opened and consumed me so quickly?

Come back my friend! The form of our love
is not a created form.

Nothing can help me but that beauty.
There was a dawn I remember

When my soul heard something
from your soul. I drank water

from your spring and felt
the current take me.

Rumi

Ok, ok....I know that was cold blooded how I ended that last post, but someone had commented before about my long posts, and it was getting a little long ::smile:: or maybe I did want to end it on a suspenseful note ::shrugs::: I wasn't trying to be mean. honest.

To answer another question, the things I talk about relating to my past are not exerpts from a book or related to the books I am writing. One of the books I'm writing is a cookbook, and the other is a book about cops. I did at one point start writing a book about my life, and maybe one day I'll dig that stuff out and post it, but for now, if I write about my past, its just things that come across my mind, or dreams and i feel i have to get them out...a cleansing of sorts. For example, I wrote about some things my mother and her friend pete had said when I was little...and it wasn't till I wrote about it that I realised how over it I was...it just didn't have the capability of hurting me anymore...heh, maybe if I write about other things, it can just as cathartic....wouldn't that be nice.

my dear blog. my own lil happy pill.

continued from previous entry....

....my dad takes the phone "Hello love" he bellows into the phone, "I was wondering when you would finally call me." I never got around to asking him, why he never called me...if I did, i forget...I do think I remember him saying that my mother made it clear she wanted nothing to do with him, so he backed off.

We spoke about trivial things for a few moments, and it became clear we were less than 2 miles from each other, and could meet at any time. So we made a date to meet, at a small restaraunt on Main Street, and set the time for the next morning. I was giddy. I was excited...this was my father .... MY father....forget this animal of a stepfather I lived with all my life, who thought he had an inkling of what it was like to be a MAN, no less a FATHER.

We met the next morning, me biting fingernails already bitten to the quick the night before. My first reaction...honestly? Damn, he's kind of old. Me 17, he was already 62...(an interesting fact my mom neglected to mention). Full head of white hair, white beard stubble, short, deep voice, and nice eyes. From that day on, every time he kissed me, he would rub his stubble, and go "damn girl, you need a shave".

My memory, as I may have mentioned before, is shot. I've had psychiatrists tell me that I have "repressed memories". Basically when a person has memory gaps, they've built walls around painful and hurtful experiences, and they supress them, deep in their subconcious, it is as if the body is warring against the soul by blocking memories or dreams that would unleash a torrent of anguish. Sometimes I try and think really hard to remember some things, but whole chunks...years...of my life, they are just not there...or are hidden so deeply...sometimes I wish I could remember....other times, I think I remember quite enough, thank you very much.

That day...we were more like two lovers meeting for the first time (and no i'm not saying anything freaky happened so keep your Oedipus comments to yourself) but we sat close to each other, we held hands, we barely ate a thing on our plates and we stared into each others eyes...i'm so sure no one seeing us would have thought we were father and daughter. But it was like we no longer wanted any space between us and we talked and talked for hours. Can I tell you a thing we spoke about? no. I don't remember, I only remember the feeling, the feeling of being at my base, the source of my river, and it was bliss.

Our relationship from that point on fluctuated wildly, we were so much alike. Hard headed, secretive, comedic, curious, social, selfish, alphas, independent, but i think most of all, we were both in a lot of pain. We loved, fought, talked, screamed, laughed and cried many times over the next few years. I stayed with him and his wife for a while, but that never worked out. He wanted to make up for the lost years of being a father, I was 17, 18, 19....what kid that age wants a dad? He pushed, I pushed back harder, his wife was a controlling nazi and eventually I just went my own way.

I didn't even take it hard, I mean what the fuck...I had already beenthrough the ringer, abusive home, runaway, in a runaway home, slept on the street, slept on park benches..abandoned buildings....I had proven to myself, if nothing else, that I was a survivor. It's only when you are down to nothing..I mean down to a fucking blank page and your mother, your father (or should I say his wife), say they can't do anything for you...because they have their own lives to think about, that you realize, "hey, i'm in this shit alone...it's just me. Sink or swim...make a choice."

I regret not getting to know my dad better. We were just so happy to have found each other, then we got so busy being mad at each other for one reason or another...was I mad at him for not being there for me...maybe...I probably was...no reason was ever good enough why he never came to find me....get me....save me.

I found a lot of things about him that showed his all too human side, he was a philanderer of the highest order. Had been most of his life. As a young man he was considered the black Cary Grant, the black Valentino.....with his swarthy Italian/Black good looks, beautiful head of hair, and a personality that wouldnt quit, he swept many, many women off their feet. He'd been with his wife many years and had about that many affairs. She opened his car trunk once, to find an empty bottle of wine, a picnic basket and a blanket in it.....and it was not used on her. He liked being in control, but his wife was the one in control, of the house, the bills, him....so he did the only thing she couldn't control, which was, be with other women. often. I hated his wife so much, I couldnt even be mad at him for being such a slut, I felt sorry for him, which ultimatly I think is why I eventually grew to resent him.

On another note...he loved to talk. Talk, talk, talk. He would segway from one conversation to another seamlessly.

"I was talking to my friend the other day about the new house, and the umbrella we bought for the deck...."

"speaking of umbrellas, have you seen the new hats with the umbrellas on top?"

"speaking of top, we have to put a new roof on the store"

"speaking of store, when are you gonna get the rest of your junk out the basement?"

and it would go on and on and on....

and he could tell jokes like nobody's business, and they would be so cooorny, but he would laugh so hard, you could do nothing but laugh with him. I still tell his corny jokes to this day. Jessica loves em.

In 1997 he had a stroke. He was with a young woman, in one of the apartments he rented out, and it is assumed they were having sex, because he was parially dressed when the ambulance came and his wallet was later found behind the radiator. Dad was 76 years old, getting his freak on with a 20 something, girl from the neighborhood. Turns out, he was taking care of her and her 3 children. All the money he had saved, all the money he got from his wife for an allownace(?), gone..all of it. His wife was pissed, can't say I blame her, but i wonder why he felt the need to do all of this. It's been said he never left because everything he had, was tied up with his wife, she was younger, smarter, and meaner than him and would have left him with nothing, and not a pot to piss in. sort of makes sense.

(As it is, I don't own anything that I can say belonged to my dad. When he died his wife got everything. I asked for something I could have to remember him by, and being her usual, selfish self, she gave me a tin cookie box filled with reciepts, a broken watch, a couple of business cards, and a ripped tie. Did I mention how much that woman irked me? thoughtless, thoughtless woman. I don't know what she did with all of his things, she claimed everything in the house belonged to her alone, not him. It's almost like he never had anything, like she erased his existance. Out of spite, she never boguth him a headstone....he's in a grave, with no headstone.)

I went to the hospital to see him after he had the stroke, his right side was paralyzed, and as a side effect, he couldn't talk. (I can't help but think this is what really made it hard for him, losing his ability to speak. he could have gotten no greater punishment) He laid there, just looking at me, he tried to write something on paper, but it came out a scrawl and just frustrated him more. As the next few days went by he just laid there. I went to see him the night before he died, and I just talked and talked. I told him I loved him, as I walked around straightening up the room. I noticed his nails were filthy (he repaired antiques) so I took a clipper out my pocketbook, and reached for his hand, and he snatched it away. I snatched it back and smacked him lightly on the back of his hand and told him to "cut it out" and started cleaning his nails. When I looked up he was crying. Was it the feeling of being helpless?...was it not being able to comunicate? Was it something else? who knows. I asked why he was crying, he just shook his head, I said "you know I love you right" and he nodded. I don't know why he cried...I know he was a sad and complicated man that I will never truly know. and I miss him.

I was water from his spring, but I shall never know the source. and that makes me sadder than anything in this world.

Im sorry for another long post, I start and it just keeps coming, but i do thank everyone for reading and for the great comments, just because I don't get a chance to answer each comment individually, all the time, doesnt mean they don't each touch me in some way.

Giovanni's Room

2005-10-17T14:17:00.000-04:00

"Perhaps everyone has a garden of Eden, I don't know; but they have scarcely seen their garden before they see the flaming sword. Then, perhaps, life only offers the choice of remembering the garden or forgetting it. Either, or: it takes strenth to remember it, it takes another kind of strength to forget, it takes a hero to do both. People who remember court madness; people who forget court another kind of madness, the madness of the denial of pain and the hatred of innocence; and the world is mostly divided between madmen who remember and madmen who forget. Heroes are rare." James Baldwin, Giovanni's Room

I know I've mentioned before my penchant for books...they have and always be my addiction. I own over 1000 now, and am sure I have read over 5000, I stopped counting a long time ago. It's much easier to tell you what kind of books I don't like than to list all of the kinds I do like and do read...I really dont like books on or about politics...other than that...I'm open. One of my pleasures is horror, has been since I was a kid.

I purchased Giovanni's Room about 15 years ago at a street table in NY.

street tables for those who don't know, are guys who put tables of books on the sidewalks all over NY; (not to be confused with street vendors who actually buy books to sell in this way) they are mostly bums or transients, who "get" books, either by

stealing them
people give them to them
they buy used books very cheaply
they "fall off the truck"

"fall off the truck", was my italian truck-driving uncles way of saying back in the day, that the truck drivers would sell stuff out the back of the truck for partial cost or take items for their own families and tell the bosses that it "fell off the truck", ... lol When I was little I remember my stepfather and my uncles bringing home tv's and such, a joking how it "fell off the truck" and I always wondered how it didn't get broken when it fell off.

I digress, so I bought the book at a street table....99% of these books were used books, rarely (and luckily) could you come across a book that was new or near new, but these are the places where I bought many of my books, many of them for less than a dollar each...regardless of size, price or condition. When I was 17, 18, 19....living in my little rat hole of an apartment, I could go to Manhatten, right on 8th and 6th, with ten dollars and cart home grocery bags of books. I would spread them on my bed, and around my room in piles and read to my hearts content.

Even today there are no less than 8-15 books next to my bed at any given time. Two constants are "The Prophet" by Khalil Gibran, and the other is The Essential Rumi. Both books I have been reading over and over for many years, and damn if i don't find something new each time I read them. I'm convinced it's not that I'm finding something new in the books, but something new within myself.

Back to Giovanni's Room....I bought the book on sight because my father's name is Giovanni, and because I recognized James Baldwin as a black writer, and I collect books by black writers. I was unpacking (another) box yesterday, when I came across it and read the back cover, "the story of a young american involved with both a woman and a man." Do tell! I'm already more than halfway thru it, and it is amazing. The descriptive way he tells this story and the absolute anguish the title character is in....the only bad thing I've found about this book so far is it's so short and I'm almost done with it!

I read some biographical info on Baldwin...seems like he had the worst of both worlds, being black and struggling thru the civil rights era, and struggling with his sexuality in a society that still forces our men to hide their sexualty for fear of retribution from family, friends and society as a whole. It's doubly sad that so many great writers are not even acknowledged until they are dead, and he was never even given the recognition I think he should have had. They should make a movie out of this book, really.

Anyway, enough of my running on, it's a great book, I highly recommend it. At 224 pages, it's a slim paperback, an easy read, but no less powerful for it.

This was supposed to segway into a post about my father, because the book....it's the same as his name....but I wound up rambling about the book, lol

I think I mentioned before, my father was never in my life. Him and my mom were married when I was born...to other people....and once I was born, for whatever reason, my mom did not want to be with him. He, unfortunatly, had already chosen to tell and leave his wife, who proceeded to leave him and leave their 4 kids with him. Maybe thats why my mom couldnt stay with him, she would have had an instant family of 5. Who knows. Their history is so convoluted.

All thruout my childhood, I remember her yelling when she was mad about something, "you look just like your damn father", it was confusing because I always assumed that was a bad thing...had to be right, if it was spit at you whenever you did anything wrong?

My dad had a very long and strange italian name (he was Sicilian and Zulu), so (this was before computers, mind you) whenever I would come across a phone book, either in the towns we lived in, or if we went to another family or friends house, I would try and look his name up in the phone book, thinking one day I would see his name and could find him and maybe he could help me.....escape my stepdad, the beatings, my mom, my life....

Never happened. I'd already left home multiple times, been beaten more times than i can count, seen my mother beat almost to death, my brothers and sisters thrown to the wind before the day came....I was 17...we had been living in this town for many many years, and here I was....again.....looking in the phone book.

My mother had always spelled the beginning of my fathers name DePa*******, of course here I am again, looking and I didn't see it but for whatever reason, kept looking, down the list of D's and all of a sudden, there it was.... DiPa*******.

Same name. one letter different.

But the same odd, strangely spelled last name that I've never seen anyone else ever have. And right there in the same town I was living in? I picked up the phone, dialed the number...a woman answered...I asked if I could speak to Jean (short for Giovanni, everyone called him Jean...I didn't even know his name was Giovanni until years later)...there was a pause, she asked my name, I said just my first name, and she puts her hand over the phone and yells,

"Jean....your daughter is on the phone"

7 Things and more

2005-10-12T17:37:00.000-04:00

I'm so pissed cause I sat here and finished this entry and it deleted it when I tried to post. If I ever get my hands on someone from blogger...god help them. I had to stay up another 45 minutes and do everything over, cause I was determined to have this post up by tonight....oh scuse me...this morning. dangit.

Spoke to my sis today, she seems to be doing better. I kept asking her if she checked her email and she kept saying not yet, not yet. But she finally checked it and she seemed happy, she told me thank you. We both suffer from the same thing...difficulty accepting compliment and affection, it's just something we have difficulty dealing with.

She was telling me some comments her boyfriend made to her when she got off work today. He's such an dumbass sometimes, he makes me so fucking mad, especially when she calls me and her voice is quavering or she's really upset at something he said.

There are different forms of abuse...he doesnt put his hands on her (because I would literally kill him) but the things he says hurt as bad as blows, and I think he knows it. Yeah, there are two sides to every story, but some things there is just no need for.

I tell her, when she is tired...when she has had enough....then, and only then will it be over. I know that despite how she's been feeling lately that she is strong. She's not 10 years old anymore and I can't "save" her like I used to. I know she is strong and can make her own decisions and will do the right things for herself and her kids. in addition to that...I "got her back*" and she knows this. (*meaning she has my full support, for you ebonically impaired folks)

Thanks so much to everyone who expressed their support regarding my last entry, some people say they don't know what the pont is to having a blog, but it's people like you all that show me the point, and then some. So thanks a lot.

Thanks Joy for involving me in this next meme, and causing me to lose almost a whole nights sleep thinking about my answers. :::cheese::::

The "crushes" part is what stumped me the most cause I don't really "crush" anymore. (Unless you count seeing one of the ones I mentioned below on the screen and then I go all slack-jawed, lol. And don't let them be half dressed, then my head tilts to the side like a curious doggy....*woof** lmao...ctfu!)

(and Oh yeah Joy, as per one of your posts, The Ring 2 IS a horror movie...I don't know who told you it wasn't but me and Jess watched it the other night...suffice it to say, she didnt want to sleep in her room alone, and neither did I, lol

7 Things meme

7 things I plan to do before I die:

- Have an art gallery showing of my work

- Start a non-profit to help people (most likely something to do with literacy)

- Go to Africa, particularly Egypt and Ethiopia

- Finish at least ONE of my books

- Open a bar, restaraunt or small school (cooking or art)

- Drive across the US (visiting all the states if I can)

- Leave something tangible on this earth for my daughter

7 things I can do:

- Be crafty, ie; paint, draw, make dolls, clothes, jewelry, mosaics, ect

- cook my ass off (lol) chinese, italian, spanish, mexican, soul, you name it.

- Websites/computers - I'm great with computers and taught myself how to do html/websites

- Talk to people/help people

- relate to children, even kids who aren't friendly wind up loving me, lol

- speed read (I can finish a good size book in an hour or so. I've read well over
5000 books...I stopped counting a few years ago, lol)

- Write, I have tons of my writing and poetry, always been a kick-ass writer, every since I was very young. (hmmm...need to add my poetry blog)

(also, I know this is cheating, but I am so proud of the fact that I learned to shoot a couple of years ago...rifle, shotgun, handgun, you name it...and I'm damn good!)

7 things I cannot do:

There's nothing I can't do iffin I put my mind to it, lol
with that being said....

- I can't speak any other language but eengleesh...(oh yeah and some curse words in other languages, but I know that doesnt count)

- skydive...can't..or won't? that my friends, is the question.

- square dance....again, thin line between can't and won't

- eat liver....cant even stand the smell of it...the smell alone gags me

- play chess. can't understand it...i would like to though, Joe is an avid player

- get organized. I just can't do it, i tyr and try. (ask me why I can find anything in under 10 seconds though..I heard it's a sign of genius, lol)

- Lie to the one's I love (I dont like to lie to anyone, but I think lying to the ones you love is particularly evil)

7 things that attract me to the opposite sex:

There's just something about a man's

- eyes. They say eyes are the windows to the soul. There's nothing sexier than a man who can look unabashed into your eyes and say how he feels.

- lips. A well defined lip speaks volumes. If your talking, and I can't stop looking at your lips....you know whats up. I'll take them full, pouty, even cleft ala Joquin Phoenix, and my new blogger buddy MH

- personality. Personality is the deal breaker, you either have it or you don't, you know what to say and when to say it...other people might not "get you", but I do.

which leads me to..

- intelligence. Don't just talk, have something to say. You don't have to be einstein, but talk about what you know, and be able to talk about lots of different thinks...believe in what you say and have lots of....

- passion. about me, your job, your family, your hobbies, about life. Be passionate, let the little things mean a lot.

- ambitious. you may not have the world, but you're gonna grab as much of it as you can. You got a hustlers spirit, ni**a period* (*Jay Z reference)

- Charisma. It's not something you can put a finger on...its a Je Ne Se Qua (sp), it's what Lauren Hill called "That thing, that thing, that thiiiii----ng", it's what made me say yes to that second date, it's what makes me trust you when you say "trust me", its what makes all my friends like you (and for the slightest moment hate me for having you), its what makes my mother like you, and all the kids in the family want to ride in "your car" when we go on a trip, call it charisma, moxie, personality, game...call it what you want, it just works.

7 things that I say most often:

- (when I'm correcting someone) Well, ACTUALLY

- me and jess's favorite, we made it up - gohome. it's a diss...you do something stupid...gohome....you say something dumb....gohome. It's very flat with no emphasis on any letter...one word...gohome, ie; get lost, beat it, go h o m e...lol

- uhmmmm. I use "uhmmmm" far to much.....

- dumbass. again, no inflection on any letter...very flat..one word...dumbass. Bush catches this one a lot.

Thats bout it, I dont really have any one thing I say a lot...

7 celebrity crushes :

Richard T Jones. I am hooked on re-runs of Judging Amy because of him...iffin you ask me, they give him far too little screen time...*woof*

Richard T. Jones' extensive feature film credits include "The Wood," "Lockdown," "Book of Love," "Kiss the Girls," "Event Horizon," "What's Love Got to Do with It," "Renaissance Man," "The Trigger Effect," "Johns," "Pistol Blues," "G," "Moonlight Mile," "Phone Booth," "Blackout," "Twisted" and the upcoming "Collateral."

Among his television credits are the movies "Riding the Bus With My Sister," on CBS, "Second String" and the upcoming "Paradise," and the series "Sweet Justice," "NYPD Blue," "Ally McBeal," "Dangerous Minds" and, on CBS, "In the Heat of the Night" and "Brooklyn South."

Jones was born in Japan and raised in Carson, California. He lives in Los Angeles with his wife and their three children. His birth date is January 16.

Antoni Banderas. Here's my token "latin guy wita poneetail" as joe calls him, lol.
My favorite movies by him, Original Sin, Assassins but most of all Interview with a Vampire....dam that man is sexy...and the accent....oh the accent....:::fanning::::

Ving Rhames. Not the most handsome to many people, but I love him. Check out them guns*! (*arms) I'm a sucker for a well turned arm. Favorite movies, Rosewood, Native Son, Holiday Heart.

Idris Elba, sexy, confident, tall, dark and yummy. lol

Djimon Hounsou....looks like there's a pattern going on here huh? Ya'll gone get cavities from all this chocolate, lol. Joe has made jokes about how I like Africans, lol...but he's about Idris's complexion. But I do like men with the African features for some reason...I used to have a HUGE crush on this Nigerian guy who worked at BBQ's in Manhatten...he looked just like Djimon, and I got up the nerve to ask him out one day. He came to my house and showed me how to cook a nigerian chicken dish, and we talked a few times after that...but nothing else. I think once he realized I wouldnt marry him so he could stay in this country it was a done deal, lol.

Djimon. The man is regal...he has the bearing of a King...and the accent (here I go with the fanning again) (what is it with me and these accents?)

If I had to choose one out of all seven, it would be this one.

Terrence Howard. Now this is one fine ass, high yaller man who could, as they say in the hood..."git dat", lmao. The boy is beautiful, no doubt about it. and them lips....

Ginuwine. The face, the voice, and body for days....

7 people I want to do this :

Mr Death - someone asked you to do it, but since you still haven't done it, you know I would like to know, lol

Dr. Deborah - Not sure if she'll do it, but it would be interesting :)

Cane - because I would like to know more about him

Chele - I know you got jokes, lol

Neena - the hawaiian point of view (you are in Hawaii right?)

Coquito - my new blogger friend

Peggasus - you look at life in your own special way :)

I'm adding two more (is that cheating? oh well, sue me, lol)

Marcus and Maitri

the option of suicide

2005-10-10T23:49:00.000-04:00

my sister told me that she considered killing herself last week.

how do you respond to some shit like that?

first response. fear.

I cannot lose another sister. Not on some dumb shit.

I mean, I know things are hard for her now. 3 kids(2, 5 & 8), a half ass excuse for a man, a temp job, and no "true" friends....we've talked about "friends" but you know..."true" friends are hard to come by.

I feel bad that I came to GA without her. I asked her to come but it wasn't something she wanted to do at that time. but i still feel like i deserted her.

Now I feel if she does something stupid, it will be my fault...how could i not blame myself, leaving her in jersey? I know she's a grown ass woman, but she's still my baby sister.

but what can i do...she's not talking about coming here until about feb. all i can do is pray.

Every since she told me, I've been wanting to talk about it again, but she's been acting like it was nothing, just a passing thought and that everything is cool. So im not sure if I should let it ride, or try to bring it up again. I wish I could snap my fingers and she be here, I just want to hug her, with her loud, short ass self. Shortest chick with the most mouth, lol.

Me'shell N'Degeocello said in one of her older songs "Once you have a child, suicide is no longer an option" I really feel that way because children did not ask to be bought into this world, and I think we have an innate responsibility to stick it out for them...and particularly for not burdening them with your suicide of all things.

but that is my personal feelings...who am i to judge what a person can or cannot deal with? or where the end of her rope is. I just know this would hurt more than i could bear. and i miss her and love her so much.

so while writing this, I decided since I can't talk about it, to write her a letter...which I did. I wont post it here because its too personal, but i wrote it and emailed it to her....it made me feel better and I hope it helps her...to see how much she means to me.

friday

2005-10-08T01:42:00.000-04:00

wasted my day today...got some work done and then spent a shitload of time going thru folks blogs.....ya'll know who you are cause you're all listed to the right of this. :::folds arms with the mad face::: not that anyone ever lists me on their blog :::shrugs:::: guess i'm not interesting enuf huh.

I posted a link to the right for the new blog I started to post pictures of my art that everyone has asked for...

it's not the recent art class pic, which I will mysteriously refer to as bunny but some of the other stuff I've worked on privately.

I dont have pics of everything so bear with me as I log them in, I'll mention in the blog when new ones go in.

Peter Pan (my next door neighbors son) did well in school today, for like the first time since school started. He's not a bad kid, just for some reason would rather draw than do his work....

Jessica on the other hand seems to be doing better...she'd gotten a progress report in which all of her teachers wrote "keeps talking" or "likes to talk" or "won't stop talking" on it. Talk about flashback to my childhood, lol. I talked so much in class I remember having to write on the chalkboard, "I will not talk in class" 100 times. damn.

So this is just my mothers curse coming back to haunt me....

"I'm so fucking sick of you, when you grow up, I hope you have a kid ten times as bad as you"

whoa lady, I just talked in class....damn. lol

and so the saga continues with my talky daughter....I told her to shut her trap and concentrate on getting her shit done in class. period.

Her: "but, but...other people talk to me...."

me: "how many times do I have to tell you....."

her: "....you don't give a crap what other kids do...."

me: "eXXAaaaactly. now shut it up in class. if they talk to you just ignore them...shrug your shoulders and look away, stare at the teacher and act like your deaf...I dont care, just shut your lips"

so when i went to the parent teacher conference, all the teachers said she wasnt talking any more.

small victory over my thirteen year old...its small....i know it. how much longer can i weild this type of control over a teenager?

::shrugs::: dunno

BUT I'LL DO IT WHILE I CAN!!!

muuuhahahahahah ::::cough cough:::

anyway, i love the girl, she's hardheaded and stubborn (wonder where she got it from), traits that irk me now, but that will serve her well in the future.

art class update

2005-10-06T16:31:00.000-04:00

I know how excited I was by this art class, and the last thing I want to do is come off like I don't like the art class, cause I do....really.

This class was put together by the Gertrude Herbert Institute of Art....I thought since it was an actual museum that was giving the class that it would be....::shrugs::: I dunno....better?.

I feel like how I felt when I signed my daughter up for an expensive private school (that I could barely afford), and then found out six months later (when she bought home a test that she got an F on, and when I looked over the test, the teacher had marked 10 things wrong that were actually right)...and when I went to school, I found out that her teacher wasn't licensed...and in fact, parochial school teachers do not HAVE to be licensed!?!?

Anywho.....My teacher is nice...but ummm, that doesn't make one a good painter.

See here's what happened...we were mixing paints for our background, and she mentioned that instead of using your brush to add a larger amount of paint, you can use your palette knife...and p r o c e e d s to smear paint all over my background. The look on my face was "what the f u c k ?!?" and the girl directly across from me saw it (my face that is)...but teacher was quite oblivious, and I spent the next 15 minutes trying to blend my background before her smears dried. (unsuccessfully I might add)

Joe says that it was probably all a part of teaching, but I disagree...this is my work of art, my project, why would you use it as an example?

I couldn't paint right for the rest of the class....she could have used a blank sheet of paper to demonstrate on right? :::shakes head::: maybe it's me, but the class seems to question her a lot, on things I think she should be putting out there before they ask...like, telling us to mix colors, but not showing...sure I knew how to do it, but only two other people knew how, the rest just winged it.

Joe says, maybe I should do my own painting class....and maybe I will. Maybe this class will get better. I hope so. It's nice to have that time to myself to go out and do something (paint) that pleases me so much for two hours, especially when I can hardly make time to paint when I'm home. ...I'm going to take it as it comes, and get what I can out of it.

....and....and I am making a promise to myself to make time to paint at home. I have a whole room that I use as my in home office, and I'm splitting that in half to use the other half as a sort-of art studio, thank god the room is about 17 x 15 feet, so it doesn't feel cramped at all. Now that I have a designated space to paint in, I can find the time. :)

I've decided to write about my past as well as my regular posts. So to whosoever might be reading this thing, I'll be posting all of my "flashbacks" as I call them in green so you can tell the difference, and even choose to read or not. :)

I dont remember much about my childhood, slices and slivers of memory is all I have...being a baby, nothing..... 4-5 years old...nothing...not a single memory...at about 5 or 6 a memory of waiting for my mother to come home.

She's in the hospital.

a baby sister.

i'm standing in a foyer by myself, looking out a window for her car to pull up, eating a bag of chips as big/tall as me.

moms car pulls up to the curb, i run out to it.

she shows me a little bundle with a ugly crying thing in it...

im not impressed.

Memories of my sister being a baby. nil. nada. nothing.

memory of her being about 3.....try to follow me here....

My mother was married when she got pregnant with me, so was my father...only they weren't married to each other. My mother left her husband, her husband kidnapped her two sons (2+3) and she never saw them again, she never makes it work with my father...their reasons, memories and explanations differ, and when i was about 4 or 5 she met my stepfather.

Long story short, they get married (her family completely ostracizes her for married a black man, despite the fact that they are hispanic and native american, ie; black themselves), couple years later he screws up (cheating or something), she decides to leave him.

Key point: this is quite frankly the strongest most emphatic thing I'd ever seen my mother do...ever, in my whole childhood. We lived in an apt in Newark....She found out somehow that he was cheating, so she waited till he got up and went to work (5am? it was still dark out) got up, packed every single thing in the house, had some guy (she was seeing?) she knew (Pete...i prefer to think of him as "puerto rican pete) come to the house with a truck, packed all our shit in it, and the only thing she left in the house was his clothes hanging in the closet. I remember as we went to walk out the door, she was carrying my sister, and holding my hand, and she said "wait a minute" and she walked back into the empty apt, walked into the kitchen and yanked the phone cord out the wall...I was like Woowwwww.

"Pete" takes us to this two family house in Paterson, I can't remember the guy's name who lived upstairs but he was old as dirt, and he had a big fluffy dog named BoBo. I loved the apt, it was bigger than the one we had before, and it had a YARD! (OK it was really a driveway, but if there were no cars in it, it was a YARD!)

I remember one day, I had done something...I've conveniently forgotten what it was (how bad could it be, I was what 7? 8?) and I remember my mother and "pete" standing in the kitchen, and "pete" goes, "your a bad girl, and thats why we love paula better" and smooches her on the cheek.

Ok...

a. she cant even talk yet, what can she do wrong?
b. is this a sick statement or what to make to a kid?
c. who is this guy pete...you're not even my step father fer crissakes

****at any rate, i realized just now.... as I write this..... that for the first time in my life I am so over this memory.

My stepfather finds out where we live

(to this day I have no idea how)

bangs on our door day and night, apologizing for whatever he'd done, sleeps in his car in front of the house for what seems like weeks

until he takes an overdose of pills

winds up in the hospital

and she takes him back

big scene with him kneeling in the bathroom hugging me and my sister happy to be home.

home. happy. what a joke.

My Reading List

2005-10-04T01:13:00.000-04:00

Every since I posted that I own over 1000 books, I've been asked to name some of them, or what I'm reading. I've read every book in my collection, and I will attempt to archive them here, in no particular order, including new books I read as well as books I will Bookcross. If I bookcross a book I will include the bookcross number so you can check the status on the bookcross site. Email me if you submit any books as well, I'd like to see how they go.

This is going to take time, so it is a work in progress. I will try to add new books every day. If you want to know how a book was, email me.

For reference, I put dates on some of the old books I've collected and some of my favorites will have amazon links in case you'd like to buy a copy for yourself.

Any questions email me at virtualchase at aol.com

The Essential Rumi
The Prophet by Khalil Gibran
The Millionaire's Secrets, Mark Fisher
The Power of Positive Thinking, Norman Vincent Peale (1952)
Love Songs, Sara Teasdale (1946)
Soledad Brother - The prison Letters of George Jackson
Nymphs of The Valley, Khalil Gibran (1948)
The Nightstand Chillers, Pat Boyette (scary comics)
The Power to Love, Edwin W. Hirsch, MD (1934)
Derailed, James Seigel
Mosaic Wrokshop, Emma Biggs
The Street Lawyer, John Grisham
Hidden Treasures of Ancient Egypt, Zahi Hawass
Good Things, Martha Stewart
Condensed Knowledge, Mental Floss
aCCEptable risk, robin cook
good things, martha stewart
like water for chocolate, laura esquirel
the mushroom man, sophie powell
hidden treasures of ancient egypt, zahi hawass
on the down low, jl king
what they never told you in history class, indus khamit-kush
voices from slavery, edited by norman r yetman
the big book of new american humor, edited by william novak and moshe waldoks
the secret langiage of dreams, david fontana
secret language, monica wood
bag of bones, stephen king
flowers bed, antione thomas
star, pamala anderson
the godfather, mario puzo
a treasury, khalil gibran
the case of sergeant grischa, arnold zweig
african history for beginners, herb boyd
my brothers keeper, reshonda tate billingsly
the girl problem, ruth m alexander
the boston strangler, gerold frank
blackface, nelson george
the womans encyclopedia of myths and secrets, walker
midnight in the garden of good and evil, john berendt
chicken soup for the soul, jack canfeild
ragtime, e l doctorow
the exorcist, william peter blatty
public enemy, john walsh
the street lawyer, john grisham
national geographic, the photographs
bridges and boundaries, african americans and american jews, george braziller
handbook on roses, brooklyn botanic garden, 1967
Othello, edited by george lyman kittredge
dark forces, edited by kirby mccauley
start and run your own record label, daylle deanna schwartz
choosing health and wellness, edited by sheryl huggins and cheryl mayberry
mckissack
through indian eyes, readers digest
modern primitives, tatoo, piercing, scarification, RE Search
html for the world wide web, elizabeth castro
justine von marquis de sade, guido crepax
the peculiar institution, slavery in the antibellum south, kenneth m stampp 1956
alone with the devil, famous cases of a courtromm psychiatrist, ronald markman
md and dominicl bosco
the princessa, machiavelli for women, harriet rubin
damage, josephine hart
parenting isnt for cowards, dr james c dobson
black odyssey, the case of the slave ship amistad, mary caBLE
GENtleman junkie, harlan ellison
drop city, tc boyle
the alchemist, paulo coelho
def poetry jam on broadway, danny simmons
big city junk, mary randolph caRTER
memoirs of a geisha, arthur golden
canning and preserving, linda ferrari
my tupac shakur story, chopmaster j
the valley of light, terry kay
possessed, the rise and fall of prince, alex hahn

I'm baaaaccck :)

2005-10-03T00:50:00.000-04:00

Heyyyyy.....

It's been a hectic week, I'm sorry I took so long to post....I had wrote this whole post about my art class and when i went back to post it, it had signed me out and the whole freaking post disapeared. ..::Dur::..

So art class day, I popped in my Prince "1999" cd, and rode thru the evening air, sailing. Remember when 1999 seemed so far away? Remember parting like its 1999, cause it was 1999?

Lemme tell ya somethin, if u didn't come 2 party, don't bother knockin on my door.
I got a lion in my pocket, and baby he is ready 2 roar

So anyway, I found the place pretty easy, (mapquest is the shiznit)was about 5 min late, but there were two people that showed up much much later than me, so i felt a little better. :::cheese::: I think i was thinking that the person who would teach this class would be some hip artsy worldly chic or dude who'd had a few art shows under their belt, maybe not young, but certainly not old enough to be my grandmother. Pat...that's her name, Pat. She seems really nice...and maybe I could be accused of age-ism here, I just thought it would be someone a little younger.

I don’t really think this will be a place for me to make new friends, half the class is teenagers and the other half is over 50, got me wondering if this was a good idea after all.

She started us out with everyone introducing themselves, and turns out that most of us were from “up north” only two of the teenagers were actually from GA. So that was pretty funny. She had us start out working on a still life of some plants/flowers and a statue of a white rabbit. I’ve never done still life’s before, and thought it would be really hard. I’m always downing myself and saying I cant draw, when in fact, when I do draw, everyone tells me how great I can draw. :::shrugs::: go figure.

Anyway, I paint from my imagination, usually collage pieces with lots of color or hip hop mixed media pieces, depends on what I’m in the mood for…and that’s why I learned something new from this class (as I hoped I would)…..she had us sketch it out with pencil, go over it with sepia and the do our shadows, and then add color. My backwards ass use to just start with color and go from there, lol.

Pat walked around the tables while we painted, and she told me twice "i love your colors" "great colors!" and then the last go round she slapped me on my shoulder and said "thats really great!" don't mind me, im such a compliment whore...:::cheese::::

but seiously, i was panicked when she told us to sketch, and it should have been the least of my worries, I held up great, one guy was so nervous, he never even painted at all, he just barely finished the sketch by class end. Poor guy, he seemed really nervous.

I'm still glad i took the class, no doubt, see, that’s why I felt…even though I’m a dope cook, I could pick up some tricks if I took a cooking class….same with this…I know that anything I pick up from this class will only make me a better artist. And that’s good by me. So we should be finished with this painting this Tuesday she says and be starting on the next, which is pretty cool. I’m gonna take some pics and post, so ya’ll can check out my style, haha.

permanent sap green

2005-09-27T15:42:00.000-04:00

....my long awaited art class starts in two hours, i've

I printed out the directions from mapquest, (cause im new to this area) and now i know exactly how to get there

I packed a bag with all my supplies (while jessica laughed at me..."look at you, with your cute little bag, like your going to school")

I threw a shoe at her and kept packing...

brushes ::check:: canvas ::check:: pallette knife ::check:: paints...titanium white...lemon yellow, burnt umber, and on and on ::check::

oh wait..permanent sap green....it's not here...looking under chair, table, box, empty bag, look again, look under butt, am i sitting on it??...looking thru house, but why, everything was all in one box...did it not get ordered? did they not send it?

have to look over packing slip, cant find it, too late anyway....class is in two hours. will i need green on the first day? will i be the loser that didnt bring green? :::pointing fingers:::: she's the loser that couldnt paint trees, or grass, or elves, or snot, or green eyed girls....

im stressing. I may have some green in my art stuff...but i dont think its SAP green....and sap isnt even green, whats the deal?

why am i stressing over a stupid art class? i was so excited all week, in fact all month. im acting like this is the best thing thats ever happened to me. maybe i've made too much of it, after all its just a freakin art class. am i building myself up to be dispointed? butterflies in my stomach. maybe it's cause i love painting so much, and i never do anything that i love cause im always doing things for other people that they love.

will the teacher like me?

what am i, in 1st grade? ::smacks self:: will the other kids, i mean grown ups, like me? get a grip, who cares..like mom used to say

:::irritating mommy voice::: "your not there to make friends..."

a friend who paints would be nice though...unless it was one of those people i hate, the ones who always have to point out how much better than you they are....or how they ALWAYS "knew" how to do this or that....dont you hate people like that?

Ok...off to take a shower...pick what im gonna wear...leave early so i get there on time...calm my nerves........i'm such a geek.

I'll let you know what happens. :/

RIP Andy Pandy

2005-09-26T14:17:00.000-04:00

I’ve spoken about my neighbors in previous posts; they are a great couple Theresa and Tommy, with a gorgeous little 8 year old boy who comes to my house after school.  Although we’ve only known them for a few months, we’ve all become close, like family. When they went on vacation, we house sat for them, which implies a HUGE amount of trust…I guess we should be flattered, but quite honestly, if we left, I would have them do the same.

They have a lot of pets, they have three exotic birds, two guinea pigs, a hamster and a sweet black lab named Andy.

Theresa called me last night hysterically crying and told me that the people across the street shot Andy.

I was floored.  I mean, ok we live in what would be considered a rural area.  To our left is more of a suburban area, lots of houses with yards and white picket fences, to our right are Theresa and Tommy, and beyond them mostly farms and the paper company which is thousands of acres of forest.

On our side of the street, (T&T and us) there’s one other house Mr. & Mrs. J, a lovely couple who’s been here forever. All three of our houses are houses that have been here for years, were very nicely built, and have property with them. Across the street/road are a small trailer park, and two other trailers set separately and back off the road.

When we first came, an elderly lady around the corner had stopped by to welcome us and told us “don’t mess with those people” as she pointed to the trailer park “they nothing but trouble”. It was funny, but I did take it with a grain of salt because I don’t believe in pigeonholing people. I don’t think that just because someone lives in a trailer or in the projects that they are bad or that they are “trouble”.

Hey, I left home when I was 15, I’ve been homeless, I’ve lived on the street, in shelters, in the projects, then finally into my own apt when I was 17, and what a piece of shit it was. Now I live in a huge 13 room house on 3 acres of land. It was a long road here, trust me.

Problem is, every problem this neighborhood has had since we moved here has come from that trailer park. Though, I’m quite sure that not every person in there is bad, there are definitely some people there that have some serious issues.

Which brings me back to Andy.  Andy is a lab mix, he’s 9 years old and is a certified therapy dog, which just means that he is certified safe to work with children or disabled people….which further means that he has a very docile personality, and is “safe” at all times around people.

The people across the street from Theresa, have a small trailer, and at any time of the day or night you can here them shooting off their guns, I once saw the guy light a huge bonfire right underneath a pine tree, driving their pickup in and out the driveway and revving down the street all times of the day or night and general “partying” on the weekends.  Which all in all, I ignore, one – because I don’t sit out in front of my house, we mostly sit in the back yard, (until we decide on what furniture we want for the porch at least) and two, I believe in live and let live, we don’t bother them, they don’t bother us….even more so because they are right across the road from Theresa, not us, so I probably notice them less than she does.

At any rate I digressed again, Teresa has an electronic gate, her property is completely gated, (we don’t have a gate across our driveway yet), but even though they have a gate, they still always kept Andy close to the house and only let him out when they were out or if we were all by the pool.  I’ve been around that dog many many days and have never seen him act other than docile.

Yesterday, someone left the gate open and also let Andy slip out of the house and he walked out the yard and across the street. Those people claimed that the dog attacked them, which in itself is crazy…..but even assuming that since they didn’t know the dog they were scared, shoot in the air!

I saw Andy’s body; the dog was shot in the spine on the upper part of his back. He was shot while he was running away. Most likely scared, and trying to come home.  The cops were called, and they filed a report but since nothing can be proved, nothing can be done.

After the cops left, we walked to the fence and could hear them laughing and talking…one of the women made a loud noise like a shotgun and fell into peals of laughter.   They told the cops that they were attacked, but less than an hour later they are laughing and yucking it up?  No apologies, no explanation, they never even came to tell anyone what happened, they dragged the dog into the ditch (so they said, we believe they shot him as he was crossing the ditch to come home) and left him there and went about their business.

I really don’t know what to say, Jessica was horrified and sobbed for hours, Theresa and even Tommy were sobbing, her sisters were there…we went over and stayed with them for a couple of hours for support, then the guys went in the woods and buried him.

Joey slept thru the whole thing, and we discussed it and felt it was best to tell him the dog passed in his sleep so as not to upset him too much, or make him scared…either of the people across the street (though I think he has every right to be scared) or scared of getting on the bus in the morning.

It’s crazy, in the city, I had to worry about people getting shot and killed, here it’s a dog….but it doesn’t bother me less. I loved Andy, he was a big black furry baby….he was wary of the pool, if you were in the pool he wouldn’t come anywhere near you. He loved to eat, and loved to be pet and rubbed, he would look up at you with those hazel eyes and you could just see the intelligence and personality in those eyes.  He had just been diagnosed with hip displasia (sp) and was walking a little stiff (further evidence that he was unable to “attack” someone, he couldn’t jump up on his hind legs) and was given shots by the vet. They gave him another 3 years tops before the pain would be too much and he would probably have to be put to sleep.

Well, Andy Pandy (our nickname for him) was taken before his time….and maybe it would have saved him a lot of pain, but damnit, no one deserved to take that choice from him or his family.

Thanks

2005-09-26T13:10:00.000-04:00

I would like to thank everyone who commented on my blog about my daughter. Everyone had really good things to say and I appreciated all of it.

When is comes to Jessica, someone once told me, when it comes to kids....

talk....

keep talking...

and dont stop talking.

I believe that is the key. So what happens is, we talk ALL the time, and I try to be as open as possible with her. We talk about sex, what boys/men will expect, want, demand, desire from her, my experiences, Joe’s experiences, his point of view, my point of view...

and when i say we talk, we talk to her for hours at a time....we can start out talking about school, and segway into clothing styles, videos, boyfriends, marriage, children, society, history, law enforcement…you name it.

i talk to her in the car, in the pool, in the yard, at the supermarket, in bed, while we're cooking....any time we're in the same room is a good time to open the conversation. It's been that way since before she could talk, i would walk around the kitchen while she was in her high chair and talk to her like she could answer, in the car I would talk to her about friends and clients and my hopes and dreams and she hadn't even said her first word.

My belief is, if YOU don’t talk to your kids, someone else will.

oh yeah

2005-09-24T01:46:00.000-04:00

only three more days till my art course starts!!!!! yay for me!!!

voodoo bisexual child

2005-09-24T01:06:00.000-04:00

My 13 year old, my only child has told me for the second time in six months that she thinks she is bisexual. I'm not mad, Im not happy, Im not sad..in fact I dont know what I am really. I dont know what to say to her, i questioned her

______________________________________________________

would you tongue kiss a girl?

no

would you have sex with a girl?

i wouldnt kiss one what makes you think i would have sex with one, besides, how do two girls have sex?

nice try, but your not dragging me into that one right now. do you still like boys?

yes, have you ever liked a girl?

yes, but we're not talking about me. so does this mean you cant have any more sleepovers?

i only like this one girl

what do you like about her

she's tough

so do you like her cause you want to BE her or because of her?

::shrugs:: i like her. i told her i like her

you told her? (inwardly clutching heart...."Elizabeth, I'm coming honey!!!") <~~~sanford and son reference for those that don't know

yep and i asked if she liked me, and she said not really, so that means maybe

::sound of me hitting floor:::
____________________________________________

ok lets get a couple things straight

i am not opposed to her being gay if that is her choice. I wouldn't say I want it because I would like for her to have a regular family, and I want grandkids...thats not to say that she couldnt have a gay regular family, and kids, but most gays will admit, it's harder. Many of my gay friends have told me this wouldn't be a choice for them, to be ostracized and hated by their family. I would never hate her no matter what her choice, and I know its starting to sound like im defending myself, so im gonna let it go cause
I've dated women before. so i guess some would call me a bisexual...even though its been many many years since it happened last, if i met the right woman, with joe's blessings (which by the way he said he would give, as long as it didn't interfere with our relationship, whoo hoo, lol) I might consider it again. might.
no, she has never seen me interact with a woman, this was way before her time
my first kiss with a woman was bar-none one of the most erotic things I've ever experienced
I am totally clueless how to deal with this.

do i just listen and not say anything, cause if i say something in the nagative then she may continue out of spite? and if i say something in the positive she may think im condoning it? Being quiet seems the best option to me, let her work it out, and dont take sides...I ask her quesions to make her think, but if she has this leaning, is there really any way I can stop it?

and please dont leave a message unless you have something helpful to say, anything about the bible will be deleted. I believe in God, but I also believe that people have a right to choose who they love.

Twins Dream

2005-09-22T21:12:00.000-04:00

I think I talked about my dreams once before in my 101 things about me post and I don't mean dreams about what i wanna do with my life, I mean the ones you have at night.

Every since I can remember, there have been certain consistencies in my dreams, if I dreamt of fish, someone I knew would be pregnant....Now please keep in mind, this has happened at least 20 times since I was 18....I've had friends who knew they were preggers, and when I told them about the dream, lied to me and said it wasn't them, and then later told me they were scared shitless cause they thought I knew it was them.

I don't claim to know the future, or to be psychic, I just dream of fish.

So far have had 100% success rate. And I'm also not talking about the lady down the street, or the cashier at the grocery store....No, these are friends, close friends.

Then there's the other dream.

The baby dream.

Simply put, if I dream of a baby, someone close to me dies. It's happened about 6 times in my life. Once when my sister was killed, once it was an ex boyfriend, once it was jessicas uncle...you get the picture. It's never a nightmare, its always just a regular dream.

It only turns into a nightmare, when I wake up.

I had the dream last night.

Only it was a little different.

It was two babies.

I was in an apartment, and my sister was sitting on the couch with these two little babies playing near her that were obviously hers, (they were a girl and a boy, and one was a bit taller than the other) I remember thinking how did she have two babies so close in age? (my thinking was they looked like they weren't the same age, but were close enough in age for it not to be possible to have two)..Then I heard voices and I walked to the back door and saw Joe talking to my brother (who's currently incarcerated, that's a whole other story), I hugged my brother and pretty much that's all I remember before I woke up.

This afternoon my sister calls me and I told her about the dream...Because she was at work, she told me she would call me back on her lunch hour. She called me back about a half hour later and said "you need to get checked out" I was like "huh?", she goes "I SAID, you need to get your brain examined girl".

Here's the deal; a few minutes after we got off the phone, she called her doctor. She had terminated a pregnancy last week (another story) but she needed to call and make a follow up appointment (I guess the baby dream reminded her) and they made the appointment, then the doctor said he needed to tell her something, and rambled about insurance and such. Then he told her, he had removed two fetuses.

She was having twins.

I suppose that's why they were so close in age in my dream...

I suppose you think I'm crazy....

I'm hoping this was just a dream about them and not something to come.

artartartartart

2005-09-21T23:52:00.000-04:00

My friend Bernice sent me the link of an awesome artist, a little creepy in a Nightmare Before Christmas kind of way, but I'm intrigued...... Scott Radke. I make dolls as well, I will post some at a later date...these dolls he did I think were done with paperclay, which is a medium I haven't tried yet, but I really want to try it. It looks like it has a lot of possibilities, and it's much much lighter than real clay, so it gives you more freedom, like how he makes marrionettes, you couldnt do that with real clay it would be too heavy.

My art supplies arrived today...closest thing to Xmas I've felt in a long time, lol. I unpacked everything, but I haven't opened anything....I'll do that tomorrow, pack a bag of everything I have to take. Class starts next Tuesday. I'm just working and cleaning house every day and trying not to think about it. I cant wait. ::cheese::

oh yeah, and this guy wasted like an hour of my time today Whitless, but oh...di I laugh my ass off. lol

Michael Jackson and my nephew

2005-09-20T01:53:00.000-04:00

My nephew, Khalid is having a love affair with Michael Jackson. No, not in the way you're thinking, my nephew has recently become one of MJ's biggest fans. I think it started about a year ago and he heard a song or two, then he watched the HIStory dvd at my house and that's all she wrote. He loves his music, his dancing, he likes to dance like him...he just adores MJ.

SO I did something the other day...my sister said that since he started kindergarten this year, he's been having it a little rough, because he's not used to sitting at a desk all day (I though you got to play in K, and not sit at a desk all day?) so he's been getting a few time outs. And he's struggling a little with the abc's and 123's....and he gets so frustrated, he'll throw the pen down and burst into tears and say "I just cant do it!"

So I called him yesterday, and at first he was a little reticent about speaking to me, cause he knew he had been in trouble and probably thought I was going to go off on him, but I just asked him how he was, and he cautiously answered "I awright", I told him I heard he was having touble in school, and he said he was, and I told him he had to concentrate and listen to the teacher...then he goes "well, auntie, i twying to be a man, but it hard" (ok, that bought tears to my eyes), and I told him he didnt have to be a man, that was for when he grew up, right now I just wanted him to be a big boy and listen to his teacher....then I did it....

I told him that I spoke to Michela Jackson.

I know it sounds bad, but Khalid and my other nephew, Tyquan, know that I am in the music business, over the years they have seen the celebs I have worked with, they have seen me on tv, they have seen the cd's and tapes, pictures, clothes ect that have flooded my home office...so it's not too out there to think, that I had actually spoke to Michael Jackson. After all, I had just given them autographed posters from one of the biggest names in the WWE. Michael Jackson...that was easy.

He was silent for a second...then the questions poured out, how?, why?, when?....but most importantly I explained to him that everyone had problems with there abc's and their 123's, even MJ...but that if we tried hard we could do anything...even become famous, but we had to try hard and work hard.

Hey...he agreed, and promised to do better...and I told him Mike would send him a autographed pic if he did better in school, which I may or may not be really able to get...if not, there's always ebay.

Am I going to hell?

lol

(ps, I dont always bribe my kids (I consider all of my nieces and nephews "my kids") but in this case, with him just starting into a totally alien system and having to get acclimated to totally changing his ways, I felt something drastic, or "great" was in order)

Fuckin Templates

2005-09-19T01:08:00.000-04:00

SO I finally found a template I was happy with from this site, and then I got a couple emails (thanks mzpowderpink) saying it wasnt accepting the comments. Damn them!!

so anyway, i had to go with this old generic template and just be happy with it....they need to come up with some better ones, had these same tired ones for years now.

::grumble, grumble::

Harvest Moon

2005-09-17T18:37:00.000-04:00

This is how the moon looked last night, they call it a harvest moon. I went to pick Jess up from the rollerskating rink, and the wind was blowing, and as I sped through the night on these dark country roads, the wind tossed handfulls of dry autumn leaves across the road. As they danced past my headlights the moon beamed down into the car though the moonroof, and it seemed a most perfect a night as I've seen in a long time. Winter is coming....the days are still hot as hell, but the nights eminate a chill, the trees are changing color, and there's an unmistakable scent of ripe apples, dying leaves and winter pine in the air, and it makes me happy. I'm looking forward to the fall days, pumkins, quilts and blankets, lighting the fireplace for the first time, cutting wood, wearing heavier clothes (but of course nothing like the clothes we had to wear when we lived in NJ), Halloween, Thanksgiving, cooking our first Thanksgiving dinner in this home, and let's not even get started on Christmas...

Angels in strange places

2005-09-16T16:08:00.000-04:00

So I was totally gassed about my upcoming art class, but then I had some bills come up that couldn't be put off. I paid for the art class, but when they sent me the confirmation in the mail, they also included something that they had not previously told me about, a double sided list of supplies I would need for the class. Why did I think it was all inclusive...naive I guess. So that kind of stonewalled me, because when i went to a site that I know has relativly cheap art supplies, it still came up to about 160. I pretty much decided I was gonna call it a wrap.

I'm not about to ask Joe's mom for money cause she hounds you and hounds you until you give it back, it's demeaning, and I hate borrowing money as it is, it just makes it all the more distasteful. A few friends I thought of are prety much struggling themselves to support their families or just their life period, so I knew that was out of the question. Then I thought of one friend of mine, (we'll call him by his online name, NoRib) who might be able to do it, but I was just sick with not wanting to ask. But i've been like a little kid looking forward to christmas, and if I miss this class, not only would I lose money, but there's not another class till next september....so I decided to ask.

He said yes...no qualms, no questions. Not only did he buy me the stuff I needed but he also got me some extra stuff that was on my wishlist. I had told NoRib some time ago I would update his website for him, and before we got off the phone, he said go ahead and do the site, and we'll call it even. I can't even begin to describe how happy he made me, I'm not even sure he knows....just the fact that I will still be able to take this class is just a slice of heaven for me. Today I will call NoRib my angel. I know it may not seem like much, but honestly, I don't ask for much, I just like to do the simple things that make me happy. This whole move was a drain on my finances, but I look forward to the future because i know everything will be fine.

On a nother note check out my PhotBlog for pics of my puppies and kitties!! I only posted a pic of my kitty Dill, I have to find the pic of my other kitty Mia. But I did post the puppies Napoleon, Scout and Spiderman.

Kelis on crack...wait, maybe it was Nas

2005-09-15T12:25:00.000-04:00

Cause he married her crazy ass.

Someone please let me know what's going on here. Please?

Is that gold teeth or braces?

Nas has this look on his face....like when you were a kid, and you were so embarassed, that you wished that a hole could open in the floor and you could fall in and be in another (unembarassing) dimension? I always thought Kelis was a decent looking chick, and right now, she not only looks fugly...hair, teeth...clothes, pick one...she looks downright curazy!

2005-09-14T12:20:00.000-04:00

I feel like crap today. I had these wild dreams all night, and woke up probably every hour...just made for a night of bad sleep. Dreamt of frogs, and water, and sharing a peace pipe with a native friend of mine, he was telling me something and for the life of me I can't remember what it was....i wish I did.

I got the paperwork for the art class today, and they sent a list of supplies. Supplies? I thought they were going to supply everything...at 165 dollars I would think they should damnit. Now I have to come up with the money for these supplies and I am not happy about it. bills bills bills.

My love/hate relationship with Martha Stewart

2005-09-13T12:29:00.000-04:00

I hate martha stewart. I caught her show "martha" today...its a cooking show/celebrity kiss ass/let me talk about prison every chance I get" show. and then they play the kmart commercial showing all of her stuff for sale.

I just watched the show she did with david spade, who incidently i think is very funny, but every dish she made was centered around snacks she made in prison! I thought this was a joke at first, a poor taste joke, but at least if it was a joke, I could get over it.

what is wrong with this woman??? going to prison is not like going to a day spa...and people that come out, arent showing off their cooking skills on national tv, they're struggling to find a HOME....A JOB....FOOD....

jesus, then she talks about this woman in prison who crocheted, and I've heard that grey poncho she wore home was made by a woman in prison, and there were over a million inquiries for this poncho...so on the show...she has this woman in a van that they keep cutting to thats crocheting ponchos....is this the woman from jail? did that woman get any money or credit for this poncho? is she even allowed to get money while in jail?

and all the while Martha goes on and on about how they couldnt get butter, or cinnimon in jail, how they had to "make do"..... you're in JAIL you dumbass.

How they made a cheese grater by punching holes in a tin box......but oh my, did she make do...baked apples in the microwave, using the skin of a grapefruit for garnish, sugar cubes, cheese sandwiches in paper bags...she even made apple jelly in jail for chrissakes using a pillowcase to strain it. :::choking noise:::

I hate her for making light of a situation that will forever remaina a nightmare for many any people.

Then there's the martha I love....she can take a piece of string, a sock and a safety pin and make a gorgeous xmas ornament. I love her books and magazines, they give me so much to think about and imagine, and tons of great ideas for the holidays.

Storytellin - summer of 75 - Newark, NJ

2005-09-13T01:37:00.000-04:00

I was oblivious to the shit my mother was going thru by being a "white" woman in the 50's (technically she's Puerto rican/Cherokee and her father was Irish) having me by a half african, half sicilian man and then going on to marry a full blooded black man. Her family cut her off, her mother wouldnt speak to her, and her brother said she died.

I was quite oblivious to race period...i was a black-haired curly-topped light skinned-ed kid, with my "black" nose, my little friends at that time were black, white, purto rican, chinese and I think one of the kids was portugese. We lived in an apartment building, that was clean and safe enought to not be called the projects, and it was wonderful. Walks to Weequhae(sp) park down the street, mommas having their sun chairs in the back parking lot while the kids played there.

I remember being the oldest, and anything that came out of my mouth was true to them kids. They would look up at me in wonder as I told them about aliens that took people to their planets, sharks that could swim on land, bugs that lived in your mattress and most of all the man who lived in the basement apt all the way at the end of the parking lot.

the end of the parking lot was where the last buliding sat, along with the huge metal garbage dumps, broken cars, mattresses, old sneakers hung from the wire, and you just know there was a rabid dog in there somewhere, not to mention a rat or two.

So as the mothers lay sunning, gossiping and drinking, we would huddle across the yard, and everone would look up at me expectantly for the story of the day. Would it be sharks (afterwards, I'd chase them around with the du du....du du....dudududu..." shark sound while they screamed. Which I always got in trouble for, go figure, I wasnt the one screaming! Or maybe the story about the aliens, and how they came to my room last night and asked me who they should pick up next, and have them beg me for hours to see if I had given their name, lol, some were actually hoping I did, but I never got fooled by that.

Or maybe...today was the day, when we talked about MR WILSON! Mr wilson lived in the basement apartment in the last building at the end of the parking lot. While all the other buildings were accessable thru the basement door, his wasnt cause it was piled high with shit, and you would have to wade thru it to even get to the door...and then there was the smell...So I would start out by how he moved here, as we slowly made our way to the end of the parking lot.....strolling nonchalontly I would, tell of his evil exploints and having been in jail for killing and eating little kids, the we would round the rusty oldsmobile and be face to face with his basement door.

Why was it dark down here when it was sunny out? I never knew. I would keep up the soothing conversation as we walked closer, I was so smooth, some kids even leaned on the rail to hear me clearer, towards the end of my tail my voice would get higher and higher, until i was screaming that he was coming and banging to make sure they thought he was and OH, the shrieks...(you should have heard the horrendous noise that came out of these kids mouths), across the parking lot like some hysterical ambulance wailing at the top of their lungs....some even crying.....screaming MissssTER WALKeeeeerrr gonnnne get UUUUUUUUUsssssss. The mothers would put down their drinks and books, in anticipation of the deluge of children jumping into their laps and just look at me.

My mother would look at me thru her dark glasses....finally she would pull them down onto her nose so I could see her eyes and say "what the fuck is wrong with you?"

In an attempt not to laugh, i would slam the toe of my Ked on the ground just hard enough to hurt (cause oh if she saw me laugh, i would be hurting much more)::shrugging:: "Nothin momma, I was just telling them a story."

"Well your stories are fucking killing us" she'd say and the other women would murmer with approval. "Sorry?" I'd say. "Go on and play" she would say, and "NO MORE STORIES!"

who waS she kidding? the kids would beg for it, i was like a story junkie and they were jonesing for the high i gave them...they couldnt get this shit in school, at nightime bedstories, reading time at the library....hell nah, this was the real deal right here, I even had a kid piss in his pants once. I got a beating for that one. They would be on me from the time I walked out the door, tell us a story, tell us about Mister wilson, you can have my candy....you can have my toy, just tell us a story.

What could I do?

I told em a story and it went that way the whole summer....the more I said no, the more they begged, the more I gave in, the more I got my ass whooped. What a summer.

9/11

2005-09-12T00:22:00.000-04:00

I'm watching this show on discovery channel, its called The Flight that Fought Back, about flight 93. I told myself I wasn't going to watch it, because I know its been 4 years, but I think that there were so many many many lies told about wht happened and each year it gets fed and fed and the lies are believed more and more. At any rate, I still believe this plane was shot down to protect it from hitting DC. But no matter what, looking at these people, and knowing they died on this plane and knew for a while in advance that this was it...they were going to die at any moment...had to be hell....it had to be the worst hell anyone could imagine, to call your family and say goodbye, knowing this is it....whatever you did or didnt do, this was it...bless them all.

Then, as I have my new wi-fi, im using my laptop in the bedroom and blogrolling (going from one blog to another) and I came across this blog about a woman who went to africa as a missionary, and in pat XI she talks about how these women spoke about being raped and brutalized by soldiers, and then when they were freed, their own husbands wouldnt take them back because they had been with other men....so in a sense they were brutalized twice, and now many of them are left to live on the street as beggers.

and im just overwhelmed right now....i'm overwhelmed at the injustice in this world, how so many are living so large and have tons of money and wealth at their disposal, while others are living a life so poor it's unimaginable. I know that suffering is a part of life....we all have suffered at some point, but it still hurts, and makes me ask myself again and again, what can I do to help?
africa, and I tell myself there are people here in our own communities that need help too. It's so hard, and how do you find the time in your own life, with your own daily crap to do for others, even as you may not have all the money and time to give? ::sigh::
I know it could not have been an easy thing to just up and go to

Alfie

2005-09-11T15:20:00.000-04:00

I never saw the original Alfie, but I watched the recent adaptation of it. I loved it, just looking at Jude Laws gorgeous mug was an erotic experience in its own right, watching his exploits was hilarious, and seeing him get his comeuppance in the end all made for a satisfactory watch.

Then....I saw the original Alfie today....I caught t about 15-20 minutes in, and I didn't really plan on watching it, but I'm glad I did. The original makes this years Alfie look like a pile of pretty shit. As poignant and pretty as Jude Law made his scenes, he wishes that he could dream, that one day he could have given a performance on par with Michael Caine. Don't get me wrong, I'm no fan of Caine, (so much not so, that I didn't even realize it was him until after about 15 minutes into the movie.) Original Alfie, made my heart stop in more than one place, had my mouth hanging open in others and Caine was really a despicable bastard as I've ever seen.

At least Jude, even at his worst was not totally uncaring, but Caine on the other hand....Despicable is really the perfect word to describe him....Disgustingly despicable. I'm finding hard to believe that he'll even be able to turn around by the end of the movie. Still watching it....about 10 more minutes to go.

Update: Ok, I thought there was 10 more minutes, the dang movie just ended right there....he doesn't "turn around", he just ends the movie with the "what's it all about" saying and the song comes in and that's it... no real regrets, no moping, no asking for forgiveness.....no neat satisfactory ending.

It leaves you wondering...wondering if he's changed, wondering if he ever got his shit together....and that...That's what makes it a better movie than the new Alfie. New Alfie, once it was over, I don't think I ever thought about it again....Old Alfie....it's going to take a while for me to stop thinking about it....thinking about what kind of man would call a woman an "it", about him walking in the kitchen and seeing the body of his aborted baby, him walking out on his son, despite the fact that he loved him more than he loved anything. Kudos to Michel Caine, Jude may be beautiful, but he's no Caine.

Guess what?! Guess What?! Guess what?!

2005-09-10T07:51:00.000-04:00

.

I signed up for an art class!!! Yeah, it's a little expensive ($165) but when I mentioned it to Joe, he said "take it! I don't care if you have to let a bill get turned off, take it!" I was a little shocked how passionate he was about it. Maybe he just wants me to get out the house...or maybe he knows how badly I want it...but I did it, i paid the bills...and just did it!

I've actually been painting for about 4 years now. I'd always drew, took photographs (which to me is a form of painting, as you have to line the pictures up in a certain way to create the canvas you want), made jewelry, and clothes...all forms of artistic expression but I always had the desire to paint.

But I thought that in order to paint, you had to have some type of training....no way you could just pick up paint and a canvas and just start painting. But after a while the urge got so strong, thats exactly what I did. I went in the store, bought some paint, some canvases, and a bunch of other shit that I had no idea what it was for, and I took a dive. I created 23 collages/paintings in a year, pretty good amount so I'm told.

This is one of my paintings, it is called Joseph,

after Joseph and the coat of many colors. It's very much in the style of how I like to paint....if you know anything about art, you'll definitly be able to see that I love Gustav Klimt....

My favorite pieces by him are The Kiss, which one of his more popular ones..

The Fulfillment is another favorite, because I see myself and Joe when I look at it...

But I think my most favorite is one called Salome

from the story in the bible where she danced for the King, and he granted her a wish, and she requested the head of John the Baptist....as you can see his head dangles from her hand. Very morbid I know, but this piece fascinates me.

Anyway, a couple people asked me, why I am taking an art class when I'm already painting. Well it's kinda like cooking...I cook, and I cook very well, in fact, not only do I cook better than anyone I personally know, but I cook better than most restaraunts I've eaten at. (quite modest arent I? lol) However, would I benefit from a cooking class? most definitly...theres tons of stuff I probably dont know, lots of little tips and tricks I could benefit from.

Same with the art class. I was reading a book on acrylics (which is about how I learn to do everything...from books) and they were showing different layering tecniques...I found out I had been doing two of them by my own learning, one which had actually become a habit. However, if I learned two just on my own, imagine how many I could learn if I took a class?!

did i mention how excited I am?...I'm practically jumping up and down with glee. Im so happy :)

It's our Anniversary

2005-09-10T01:43:00.000-04:00

Today is Joe and I's 4th year anniversary. Wow, i can hardly believe we've been together for so long. The best part it, it's been relatively pain free. Oh we've had our arguments, and our ups and downs, he's made me cry a couple times just being an asshole, but we've stuck thru thick and thin, and made it to this point. He's never cheated on me, that i know of, he's never been one to hang out all night with the "boys" or spend all his money at the titty bar. If he makes 100 bucks he gives me 99, and he pulls his weight around the house (for the most part, lol). He may bitch about washing the dishes, but he does the laundry. He won't cook, but he'll never let me lift anything over 10 pounds, lol. He's a good guy, and I'm glad to have him.

Until we moved here and got stuck with this skinny shower, we took a shower every night together. He lets me read to him (well he did until he started working, now he has to get up at 5am). He always lets me control the remote. We never run out of things to talk about. He still kisses me in the morning before he leaves and again when he gets home. He LOVES my daughter, and treats her like his own. He encourages my creativity and deals with my artistic quirks. We can argue like cats and dogs over apoint, but he has no problem admitting if he was wrong.

The sex is outstanding 95% of the time, and I've never cheated on him, nor would I want to. I just love him.

101 things about me?

2005-09-09T02:38:00.000-04:00

I saw this on someone elses site, and i was like..."could i possibly write 100 things about me?" so here goes.

1. I speed read

2. I've always secretly wanted to be a magician

3. I bite my nails

4. I am an insomniac

5. I wish I owned a book store or a library so I could have hundreds or thousands of books

6. I've always wanted to be a cop, but my life never went in that direction

7. I miss some of my old friends, but not enough to contact them

8. I want to lose weight

9. I hate the fact that my daughter is so pretty just about as much as I love it

10. I just found out after 4 years that my boyfriend has a cleft chin cause he's always worn a goatee

11. i think his chin is the cutest :)

12. sometimes I shop to make me feel better

13. i love animals

14. I have two cats, Mia and Dill, both females

15. We have 3 dogs (blue tick & beagle), all boys. Napoleon, Scout and Spider Man (cause he has climbed over every fence we've built)

16. I stopped smoking 5 years ago

17. i still sneak a cig every once in a while

18. I smoked a pack in the past three months

19. i wish my house was paid for, mortgages scare me

20. owing any large amount of money scares me

21. i'm sloppy

22. i hate being sloppy

23. but i can find anything in my sloppyness, lol there's a method to my madness

24. I never wear gold, only silver, white gold or platinum

25. I love diamonds

26. but I dont own any, I wish I did

27. I've been all over the world

28. but i've never been to an island or to africa

29. my dream would be to visit africa particularly egypt

30. I have 4 tattoos, one on my wrist, one on my ankle and a japanese fire dragon on my back

31. I want more tattoos

32. I've even thought about decorative scarification, but i know joe would be against it

33. I have 12 piercings, 5 in each ear (one is thru the top of my ear), a (closed) nose piercing, and my tongue is pierced. Compared to some peircings today I look normal, lol

34. I love driving, it's soothing. even long distance.

35. I love driving at night, i play my music, and just let the wind blow thru my hair and im in heaven

36. I love my nieces and nephews, Giavanni 2, Khalid 5, Tyquan 8, Monique 13 and Cheyenne 12

37. Im afraid I'm too old to make new friends

38. I dont have many friends anymore

39. i used to have lots and lots of "friends"......then i grew up

40. i think this list is such a conceited thing to do, i mean who really cares to know this much about me? yet i feel compusively obligated to complete it ::shrugs:: go figure.

41. i do a lot of things out of compulsion

42. i've never broken a bone

43. i LOVE movies....

44. I collect dvd's I have hundreds of them

45. I LOVE movie trailers, its like the best parts of the movie packed into 2 minutes...like a movie altoid, lol

46. I love the whole "doink doink" (Law & Order) series, every single one of them.

47. ditto for the CSI series

48. I've recently fallen head over heels for Third Watch (it's only been out for what, four seasons already? I'm so late)

49. I'm a shoe whore...well not as bad as I used to be, but i still am

50. I have two goldfish that live in a pot pond that i made on my deck, Oscar and Peanut

51. I can't believe I made it to number 50

52. I'm an incurable chocoholic...i'm especially in love with expensive dark chocolate

53. I also love limes

54. I can cook better than anyone I know, and better than most of the restaraunts i've ever eaten at

55. I have an addictive personality

56. Joe loves to rub my belly but i never let him

57. and when i do, he loves it so much

58. i want to own a camper and travel across the states

59. everytime i dream of fish, someone close to me is preggers

60. I used to model, after I had my daughter, i full figured modeled

61. I still get asked to model, but i think I'm too fat

62. I've won a bunch of modeling competitions

63. I've been painting since 2002

64. I've always drawn and doodled and done various other artistic things

65. but i always thought you had to be "professional" to paint

66. one day I just said "eff it" and bought some canvas and paint

67. I painted 39 paintings in about 8 months

68. I can't imagine selling my paintings, though i know i will have to part with them eventually

69. they are like my babies

70. I have 6 sisters

71. two of them were killed at different times by their husbands

72. I am paranoid about this, i wonder if one day I will be killed by a man I love

73. or if it will happen to my daughter or another one of my sisters

74. I know this is not healthy, but I can't help it

75. My aunt committed suicide by drinking lye, because her husband left her

76. sometimes I think the women in my family are cursed

77. my favorite parts of my body are my lips and my feet

78. most people like my breasts and my hair

79. my hair is so long I can sit on it

80. I hate washing it

81. it stops up my tub and i wind up pulling hair out of my crack

82. I love guns

83. I own a rifle and a shotgun

84. I want to get an handgun next, probably a 9mm

(guns don't kill, people do. So don't email me with your crap)

85. my brother is in jail for shooting someone in the head

86. I have two older brothers who I never met because their father kidnapped them when him and my mother split. She hasnt seen them since. they were 3 and 4.

87. I've been trying to locate them for over 10 years

88. I've been writing poetry for as long as I can remember

89. I have started 3 books and finished none

90. I have been doing photography for about 8 years

91. I hate the fact that I dont take pictures like I used to

92. I'm going to start taking more pics

93. I love how I look with a tan, but fear getting cancer

94. I've been writing a letter to my sister Denise's husband, the one who killed her, for 6 years...

95. I still havent finished it

96. I hate all sports except for boxing and extreme fighting

97. red is my favorite color not apple red, but dark red, blood red....black, dark green, and brown are close seconds

98. i've only considered suicide once

99. when my sister Denise was killed

100. I've never had a man hit me

101. I think I would kill a man if he did

hmmmm..........

2005-09-09T02:07:00.000-04:00

David Brooks, Republican columnst for the New York Times writes:

The first rule of the social fabric - that in times of crisis you protect the vulnerable - was trampled... Leaving the poor in New Orleans was the moral equivalent of leaving the injured on the battlefield."

so damn clever

2005-09-09T00:49:00.000-04:00

feel the need to write, but am at a loss for anything clever to say, why do i always feel like i have to say something clever or witty? i seem to be able to be more honest and forthcoming in comments on other peoples blogs than I am with my own entries. not that it matters, no one reads this crap anyway, and i dare not put a counter on here lest i get obsessed with how many visitors i get a day. why am i so flighty? why can't i focus on anything for any length of time? laziness? short attention span? add? i've developed some bad habits as time has gone by but i find the need to be creative has grown immeasurably stronger. I feel the need to make something with my hands almost all the time now. of course i cannot answer that need many times due to other responsibilities, but its there, crawling under my skin, dying to get out.

on another note, i spoke to an aquaintance the other day...i can't say friend because even though she's been to my house a number of times for holidays, we still only speak a few times a year, she's a little odd, very talkative and tends to spout off at the strangest times about the weirdest shit. She cornered Joe last christmas dinner and out-talked him, made him quite uncomfortable. lol at any rate, she called when jess and i were at the neighbors pool, and she's talking to jess for a while and i guess jess filled her in on the fact that we'd moved, bought a house, ect. next thing i know, jess goes "_______ wants to know how much you would charge her to rent a room?" i'm like "a room where?" lol

so i get on the phone with her to see where her head is at and why she would ask something like that, and she proceeds to go on and on about how living in different parts of the country means you will fall victim to various droughts, hurricans, earthquakes, etc. That she wishes her parents were alive so she could live with them without paying rent, how she wants to write a book, and wants someone to pay her bills for three or four months so she can have all the free time she wants to devote to her book.

since i have recently become outspoken in my old age (38)(shut up julie), i told her, dont we all wish we could get someone to pay our bills while we (pick one) painted, drew, wrote, sewed, screwed, acted, modeled, or danced our way to stardom??? You have to man-the-fuck-up and just do it cause no one is going to drop out of the sky and just give you 3 or 4 mos worth of bill money, grow the fuck up.

well...she got quite hot with me and told me just because i had my dreams come true by having a nice house and a bunch of space didnt mean that her dreams couldnt come true. ??? am i missing something?

so i told her that a. having a house did not mean all my dreams came true, as long as i'm alive i'll have goals (and im not dead yet i dont think) and b. wishing someone to pay your bills so you could do what you wanted to do and then hopefully become famous, and not doing anything to achieve that goal otherwise, wasnt a dream, it was an excuse not to accomplish anything because IT AINT GONNA HAPPEN. not unless you're screwing them in all your free time between writing, and maybe not even then. anyways, she got all pissy at me and we hung up on a bad note, and sorry to say if i never speak to her again so be it. even jess had a laugh about it, even her 13 year old self knows you dont get anything in this life for free.

Offers Pour in, US unprepared?

2005-09-08T11:42:00.000-04:00

...and we still have dead bodies laying on the sidewalk in NO....

Offers Pour In, but the U.S. Is Unprepared

By JOEL BRINKLEY and CRAIG S. SMITH
Published: September 8, 2005

WASHINGTON, Sept. 7 - Generous offers of aid for Hurricane Katrina victims are pouring in from scores of nations, but in many cases the United States is unprepared to receive the goods.

As a result, the State Department is pressing countries that are offering the use of helicopters, water purification equipment and telecommunications gear, among other items, to provide cash or ready-to-eat meals instead.

"The worst thing we could do, the worst thing, is to take things" and "have them sit on the ground and not be utilized, to have something rot," said Harry K. Thomas, the State Department's executive secretary, who is coordinating with other governments. Many countries are being told that the most useful donation is money, and some European countries are bemused - or frustrated.

"There is a lot of stuff offered, but we are having a problem getting it over," said Claes Thorson, a spokesman at the Swedish Embassy in Washington.

Even with the difficulties, foreign aid is beginning to arrive at or near the Gulf Coast, including ready-to-eat meals from Britain, tents from France, first-aid kits and baby formula from Italy. All told, the State Department said Wednesday, donations from 49 nations or international organizations have been accepted - including $428 million in cash.

The bulk of the cash came from three oil-rich Arab nations. Kuwait, Qatar and the United Arab Emirates each offered $100 million.

The State Department says 95 countries, half of the world's nations, have promised aid in one form or another. But the department says the government is still evaluating many of the proposals to see if they can actually be used. Among the nations that have pledged assistance are several that receive significant American aid, including Israel, Afghanistan and Iraq.

The United States is more accustomed to giving aid than receiving it, and the Bush administration seemed to have trouble accepting the role reversal, at least at first. Early last week, President Bush said the United States could take care of itself.

"I do expect a lot of sympathy, and perhaps some will send cash dollars," he said. "But this country is going to rise up and take care of it."

As the size of the crisis became apparent, the view changed. But the preparations to receive anything but the simplest forms of aid have not caught up.

Mr. Thomas explained that the United States has no experience with situations like this. Speaking to reporters on Wednesday, he said several times, "This is unprecedented."

Last weekend, the State Department sent urgent requests for international aid through the North Atlantic Treaty Organization, the United Nations and the European Union. At the top of the list was cash. Most of the other items requested were basic goods like food, water, medical supplies and diapers.

When Sweden received the American request, it loaded a Hercules C-130 transport plane with water purification equipment, emergency power generators and components for a temporary cellphone network. The plane has been ready to take off since noon Saturday, but has not been given clearance by Washington.

"We are still waiting for the green light," Victoria Forslund said at the Foreign Ministry in Stockholm. Sean McCormack, the State Department spokesman, said, "If there are any miscommunications on this matter, we want to make it very clear we value their offer of assistance."

Sweden is not the only country that has encountered a problem. France, Germany, India and Taiwan, among others, are awaiting answers to offers. The slow acceptance after the urgent request has only increased the puzzlement of many countries. Mr. Thomas said embassy officers in each country have tried to explain why the aid requests are being handled as they are and insisted "every country has heard back from us."

On Monday, only one plane bearing foreign aid arrived in Little Rock, Ark., a staging area. On Tuesday, 11 planes arrived. Wednesday and Thursday, more planes - from Britain, China, France, Russia, Spain and Israel - are due.

As Europe prepares more supplies, officials say they are beginning to wonder whether the aid is really needed or will ever be used.

"That's our preoccupation right now," said Barbara Helfferich, a spokeswoman for the executive branch of the European Union.

2005-09-08T01:14:00.000-04:00

Ali emailed me that Christopher Williams died. I just got a copy of New Jack City in the mail today, I know it was just released to DVD, i think the anniversary edition....cat was only 38 so Im wondering if this is a publicity stunt?

"Get er done"

2005-09-07T18:58:00.000-04:00

as they say here in the south, meaning to just get something done already! If you're like me and giving to the red cross leaves you a lil uneasy, here's some alternative and a few direct New Orleans contacts that you can call or send donations to.

1. MONETARY DONATIONS Monetary donations can be sent to these outlets, which we have confirmed are REALLY delivering services to folks in need...

http://www.BlackAmericaWeb.com Relief Fund PO Box 803209 Dallas, TX 75240 OR you can make an online donation by going to www. blackamericaweb.com/relief (This fund has been set up by nationally syndicated radio personality TOM JOYNER)

Team Rescue www.teamrescueone.com Set up by native New Orleans rapper Master P and his wife Sonya Miller.

NAACP Disaster Relief Efforts The NAACP is setting up command centers in Louisiana, Mississippi, and Alabama as part of its disaster relief efforts. NAACP units across the nation have begun collecting resources that will be placed on trucks and sent directly into the disaster areas. Also, the NAACP has established a disaster relief fund to accept monetary donations to aid in the relief effort. Checks can be sent to the NAACP payable to: NAACP Hurricane Katrina Relief Fund 4805 Mt. Hope Drive Baltimore, MD 21215 Donations can also be made online at www.naacp.org/disaster/contribute.php

2. WHERE TO MAIL NON-PERISHABLE ITEMS You can mail or ship non-perishable items to these following locations, which we have confirmed are REALLY delivering services to folks in need:

Center for LIFE Outreach Center 121 Saint Landry Street Lafayette, LA 70506 attn.: Minister Pamela Robinson 337-504-5374

Mohammad Mosque 65 2600 Plank Road Baton Rouge, LA 70805 attn.: Minister Andrew Muhammad 225-923-1400 225-357-3079

Lewis Temple CME Church 272 Medgar Evers Street Grambling, LA 71245 attn.: Rev. Dr. Ricky Helton 318-247-3793

S.H.A.P.E. Community Center 3815 Live Oak Houston, Texas 77004 attn.: Deloyd Parker 713-521-0641

St. Luke Community United Methodist Church c/o Hurricane Katrina Victims 5710 East R.L. Thornton Freeway Dallas, TX 75223 attn.: Pastor Tom Waitschies 214-821-2970

3. FIND OUT WHAT'S REALLY GOING ON Interview with Mayor of New Orleans Ray Nagin http://www.atypical.net/mm/nagin.mp3

ALTERNATIVE MEDIA OUTLETS Alternative media outlets where you can get a more accurate and balanced presentation of the New Orleans catastrophe.

PLEASE VISIT all these websites.

www.diversityinc .com
www.alternet.org
www.blackel ectorate.com
www.npr.org
www.daveyd.com
www.slate.com
www.allhiphop.com
www.democr acynow.com
www.blackamericaweb.com

looters or survivers, you decide

2005-09-07T15:57:00.000-04:00

So I heard Bill Maher showed the captions that go along with some of these news stories. (thanks to Blood on my Teeth)

Under the caption for the black an it says " a young man wades through chest deep flood waters after LOOTING a grocery store"

Under a picture of a white couple "wading through water, after FINDING bread at a local grocery store"

What is the difference in these two pictures? NOT A DAMN THING. It's Just RASCIST!

more Katrina news, why am I not suprised....

2005-09-07T15:08:00.000-04:00

go to this site and watch the video of geraldo rivera, it's unbelievable....totally unbelievable....

http://www.crooksandliars.com/2005/09/02.html#a4762

This crappy site Juicee news (dont bother going to the site and giving them the traffic, I'll list the whole article below and the email where you can give them a piece of your mind) claims that Kanye "ruined" the relief show. So I guess if you don't follow the teleprompter you're not "American", you're selfish, and trying to steal the hurricane pr for yourself. these people are the sheep that are leading blind people to their destruction.

-------------------

(JND) - In a selfish and unprofessional move, Kanye West took the spotlight off of
the victims of Hurricane Katrina, placing it on himself Friday night during the NBC
Hurricane Katrina Relief program.

Just before being cut by NBC executives, West stated: "George Bush doesn't care
about black people."

West's comments were later cut from the program when aired on the West Coast.

Instead of calling the Red Cross telephone lines with promises of donations, people filled the lines wth complaints about West's remarks.

NBC has issued a statement denouncing West's comments. NBC has since added a disclaimer to the program which it is currently re-running on MSNBC.

The American Red Cross has also issued a statement in which they stated: "We cannot, and we do not endorse any comments of a political nature."

Juicee News has found a video of Kanye West during his rant. [West is also scheduled to speak at another fundraiser next week]

In a disgusting display, West strayed from his prepared script to offer an overflow of hatred from his mouth, taking the spotlight off of the matter at hand, turning the relief program into his own personal soapbox. Whether or not anyone agrees with Mr. West... it was clear that now was not the time to voice such harsh opinions

West appeared on-screen with comedian Mike Myers, who was obviously shaken by West's remarks. At one point Myers attempted to put an end to the tirade.

NBC beat him to the punch, cutting to a shot of actor Chris Tucker.

Other comments by West: "I hate the way they portray us in the media. You see a black family, it says, "They're looting." You see a white family, it says, "They're looking for food." And, you know, it's been five days [waiting for federal help] because most of the people are black. And even for me to complain about it, I would be a hypocrite because I've tried to turn away from the TV because it's too hard to watch. I've even been shopping before even giving a donation, so now I'm calling my business manager right now to see what is the biggest amount I can give, and just to imagine if I was down there, and those are my people down there. So anybody out there that wants to do anything that we can help -- with the way America is set up to help the poor, the black people, the less well-off, as slow as possible. I mean, the Red Cross is doing everything they can. We already realize a lot of people that could help are at war right now, fighting another way -- and they've given them permission to go down and shoot us!"

Previously best known for producing hit singles for Alicia Keys, Jay-Z, and Ludacris, Kanye himself worked on a solo album for a long period of time, having the release pushed back time and time again. Due to his appearance and overall style, West struggled to find a way to get his own voice on record. Multiple record companies put him aside due to the fact that West is from the suburbs of Chicago, not a former 'street hustler' or even one that wears the orthodox hip-hop apparel. A car crash on October 23, 2002 left his jaw fractured in three places, with his mouth still wired shut and only weeks after having an encounter with death, Kanye West began recording "Through The Wire," reliving his near-fatal accident. "Through The Wire", which sampled Chaka Khan's classic track "Through The Fire", would eventually become his lead single from The College Dropout, which was released on Roc-a-Fella Records in February 2004.

Kanye West also has his own clothing line - "Pastel Clothing" , and his own record label - "GOOD Music" (an acronym for Getting Out Our Dreams), under which John Legend's platinum selling debut album Get Lifted has been released, along with Common's latest album - "Be". Other artists on his label include GLC, Consequence, and Farnsworth Bentley.

On August 30th, 2005, Kanye West released his second album Late Registration. "Diamonds (From Sierra Leone)" (which contained samples from Shirley Bassey's "Diamonds Are Forever") and "Gold Digger", were the first two singles from Late Registration. West announced that his 3rd and 4th albums will be titled "Graduation" and "A Good Ass Job", respectively.

email these asswipes with your comments. :) spill@juiceenewsdaily.com

U.S. agency blocks photos of New Orleans dead
Tue Sep 6, 2005 8:56 PM ET

NEW ORLEANS, Sept 6 (Reuters) - The U.S. government agency leading the rescue efforts after Hurricane Katrina said on Tuesday it does not want the news media to take photographs of the dead as they are recovered from the flooded New Orleans area.

The Federal Emergency Management Agency, heavily criticized for its slow response to the devastation caused by the hurricane, rejected requests from journalists to accompany rescue boats as they went out to search for storm victims.

An agency spokeswoman said space was needed on the rescue boats and that "the recovery of the victims is being treated with dignity and the utmost respect."

"We have requested that no photographs of the deceased be made by the media," the spokeswoman said in an e-mailed response to a Reuters inquiry.

The Bush administration also has prevented the news media from photographing flag-draped caskets of U.S. soldiers killed in Iraq, which has sparked criticism that the government is trying to block images that put the war in a bad light.

The White House is under fire for its handling of the relief effort, which many officials have charged was slow and bureacratic, contributing to the death and mayhem in New Orleans after the storm struck on Aug. 29. (Additional reporting by Deborah Charles)

2005-09-07T10:57:00.000-04:00

CELEBRITIES thoughts on KATRINA response
With celebrities like John Travolta, Macy Gray, Sean Penn, and Chris Rock lending a hand in the Hurricane Katrina recovery efforts, others are letting their words make their mark. Colin Farrell, Matt Damon, and Jamie Foxx are just a few famous faces who have publicly spoken out against the federal response to the disaster.

1.Colin Farrell told Access Hollywood, "If it was a bunch of white people in the Hamptons, I don't have any doubt there would have been every single helicopter, every plane, every means that the government has to help these people."
2.Jamie Foxx volunteered at a shelter for victims of Hurricane Katrina at the Dallas convention center and on yesterday's (September 6th) Oprah Winfrey Show, said he'll never forget a 62-year-old man's words about how Americans were mistreated in the aftermath of the storm: ["What he couldn't take was the blatant disregard for someone like your grandmother -- 80 years old, sitting there, nobody coming to help her. It should never happen. These people are Americans. Some of the things that have been said and everything has just been so sad, that we would treat our folk like this. And, it's a day I won't forget soon."]
3.Musician Harry Connick Jr., who waded through flooded New Orleans streets looking for stranded residents, said, "This is the United States and it's going to take me a long time to wrap by head around the fact that these people weren't helped sooner. It's not like they died in a hurricane, they died because they starved to death three or four days later in bright blue skies."
4.Sean Penn told Britain's GMTV, "There are people dying and the U.S. government is not putting the boats in the water, I think that's criminal negligence. I don't think anybody ever anticipated the criminal negligence of the Bush administration in this situation."
5.Matt Damon told Access Hollywood that he supported rapper Kanye West's comments about President Bush during NBC's Katrina benefit Friday (September 2nd), "The press doesn't ask the President any questions, so he never has to defend any of his policies. So this guy with his moment on live TV made a statement that, hopefully, now Bush will come out and address."
6.Matthew McConaughey ventured to a church shelter in Zachary, Louisiana that's housing 130 displaced people. As he said on the Oprah Winfrey Show, his experience there made him believe that the disaster should be about helping and sharing with others: ["I didn't necessarily understand the scope of it. I'm still trying to digest that. I think we're all going to have to digest for some time. There's so much work to do. The one thing that is pure about helping out with a tragedy like this is service, share what you have, and that's the best way we can help."]

peaches in wine

2005-09-06T23:44:00.000-04:00

Did more canning today, I canned peaches in peach wine. Yes, it tastes as good as it sounds. The wine has cinnimon sticks, cloves and brown sugar in it. Jessica said the house smelled like christmas. :)

On a Katrina note, I posted on the moveon.org site to allow a mother and child to come stay with us if they needed it! Initially Joe wasn't for it but when i mentioned it again today, he said "you know what baby, if it will make your heart happy, do it". So we'll see what happens, there are so many people offering, and so many of them are not in the sticks like we are, so maybe no one will call. But at leaset I feel ike I am offering something constructive.

New Orleans compared to Somalia....

2005-09-06T13:58:00.000-04:00

General Promises ‘Little Somalia’ in New Orleans as Repression Arrives Before Relief
New Orleans on a hair-trigger

‘Stop the car right now,’ reporter told. `Back up, or I’ll shoot’
By Tim Harper
WASHINGTON BUREAU

09/02/05 “Toronto Star” — – NEW ORLEANS - I wheeled the car around and headed back to the scene of the shooting, looking for Toronto Star photographer Lucas Oleniuk, when the officer turned, spotted me and pointed the shotgun right at the windshield.

“Stop the car right now. Back up, or I’ll shoot,” he screamed.

A couple of others cocked their weapons and trained their guns on the car, purpose in their eyes. Instinctively, I raised my hands above the wheel and gunned the Pontiac in reverse over fallen tree limbs and debris in the street.

This was our indoctrination into a Big Easy that’ll never make a picture postcard.

Minutes earlier, as Oleniuk and I first saw downtown New Orleans looming after a long odyssey to get into the locked-down city, he shouted at me to stop when he spotted armed officers crouched behind a cruiser, training their guns on an apartment block.

His welcome to the besieged city came the second he left the vehicle when three shots rang out — a quick “pop-pop-pop.” Oleniuk stumbled behind a lamppost for protection and began shooting photos.

In seconds, as many as 40 officers sped to the scene, most in marked cars — but one in a Kinko’s van — some of whom set up behind Oleniuk, their guns aimed over his left shoulder.

Others, guns drawn, shouted at me to get out of the way.

Realizing he was in the line of fire, Oleniuk raced for cover behind a cruiser and worked alongside a group of police as they fired into the building.

After 15 minutes, the last of more than 350 images shot by Oleniuk depicted officers delivering a fierce beating to the two suspects, an assault so fearsome one of the suspects defecated.

Realizing their frontier justice had been captured for posterity, the police turned on the photographer, one ripping a camera from his neck with such force it broke its shoulder strap.

Another grabbed a second camera and, somewhere in the melee, Oleniuk’s press pass was ripped from his neck.

The officers fumbled with the cameras, finally pulling out the memory cards with the photos.

Oleniuk pleaded for the return of his cameras, was rebuffed, then, after retreating about a block, approached them again and asked for his cameras back.

One of the officers who had been hunkered down with Oleniuk during the 15-minute shootout said he could have his cameras, but when he asked again for his pictures, he was gruffly told: “If you don’t get your ass out of here, I’m going to break your motherf—ing jaw.”

In the chaos that is New Orleans, police menacingly pointed loaded weapons at me four times, and Oleniuk and I watched later when four officers armed with machineguns, after first demanding to know where we were going, turned on an approaching cab and screamed at the Hispanic driver to get his hands off the wheel or they’d open fire. When he wouldn’t do so immediately, it appeared for a split second that he would be shot on the spot.

Mercifully, his shaky hands finally appeared above the dash.

Because New Orleans is under martial law, police need no reason to stop and search anyone or pull them off the street. There’s no doubt they see journalists as an impediment to their efforts to regain control of their city. But they have also been shot by snipers and looters in the nighttime chaos, and anyone who drives through this city these days knows what it’s like to get a little twitchy.

As one navigates ravaged New Orleans from the east, through Kenner and Jefferson Parish, past the airport and toward the French Quarter, driving flooded streets till the filthy water gets too deep, then trying alternate routes, it is the human toll, not the physical toll, which worsens.

First, there is a single barefoot man walking aimlessly along Airline Highway. Then others slogging through the floodwaters of Metairie. Then families trudging dispiritedly along the roads of Kenner. Then, by the time you get to Napoleon and St. Charles in New Orleans, close to 100 sit silently in the middle of debris, watching the strange car navigate among the downed trees in their neighbourhood.

Later, down St. Charles, some try to stop you to ask for rides — “I have a baby …” — others glare sardonically, while others peer at the car blankly.

Through downtown, toward the French Quarter, the refugees congregate in groups of 10 or 20. Some have guns, some have crowbars or iron bars, and, mindful of carjackings, you dispense with the hurricane etiquette of treating darkened intersections as four-way stops.

When you park on Canal St. to get a sense of the enormity of the refugee flow as people come down the Interstate overpass, many pushing shopping carts or luggage racks, you sense the desperation. You park close to where others are parked and you regret that you can’t pack them all in your backseat and get them out of there.

And you wonder where the relief workers are.
—————————————————————

In related new Brig. Gen. Gary Jones, commander of the Louisiana National Guard’s Joint Task Force told Army Times Friday (http://www.armytimes.com/story.php?f=1-292925-1077495.php ) as hundreds of armed troops under his charge prepared to launch a massive citywide security mission from a staging area outside the Louisiana Superdome. “We’re going to go out and take this city back. This will be a combat operation to get this city under control.” “This place is going to look like Little Somalia,”

Or for video detailing the dire situatuon check the video, “We have been abandoned in our own country” http://videos.informationclearinghouse.info/JeffersonParrishMTP.wmv

KaNye on Bush

2005-09-06T13:15:00.000-04:00

11am - My business partner sent me this link:

http://gorillamask.net/kanyebush.shtml

after viewing it all I can say is wow...that was amazing....now, lets see what happens to kanye....is he too large of a figure to wind up dead like so many other people who have spoken out publicly against bush, or will he get shot in a drive by, or in some car accident or take a drug overdose?

I'm really glad to see he had the balls to say something like that, quite frankly, I thought he was a pompous little pansy boy and can't stand the sight of his face or the sound of his voice, but he's gained a new respect in my eyes because everything he said is absolutley true. They have sent troops down there with permission to shoot first and ask questions later, and are told that the people down there that have guns are to be shot on sight.

and this is america.

and faggot ass bush, flying around in his little airplane, looking down from on high at his people suffering...I'm glad people saw this and i'm glad he didnt do anything, perhaps this will show him....finally....for the coward he is.

1pm - follow up:

Kanye West Goes At President Bush For Delayed Katrina Relief
By Miles Bennett
Saturday - September 3, 2005
Kanye West
Photo Credit: Roc-A-Fella

On Friday, Kanye West surprised viewers of "A Concert for Hurricane Relief" -- a live benefit concert that aired on NBC -- when he lashed out at President George W. Bush and the government for racism against African American survivors of Hurricane Katrina.

West suggested that delays in providing relief to the people of New Orleans were deliberate, and that America was set up to help black people and the less fortunate as slow as possible.

"George Bush doesn't care about black people," West said during the live show.

West joined comedian Mike Myers on stage, where he refused to read the teleprompter, instead expressed his disgust for the way the media has portrayed some of the black people in New Orleans.

"I hate the way they portray [African Americans] in the media," said West. "If you see a black family, it says they're looting. See a white family, it says they're looking for food.

"We already realized a lot of the people that could help are at war right now, fighting another way, and they've given them permission to go down and shoot us."

The rapper was referring to the shoot-on-sight orders issued to National Guard troops to halt violence and looting in New Orleans.

NBC released a statement saying that West's comments in no way represent the views of the networks, and that he chose not to read the comments that were prepared for him.

"It would be most unfortunate," the statement read, "if the efforts of the artists who participated tonight and the generosity of millions of Americans who are helping those in need are overshadowed by one person's opinion."

The show was on a tape delay, but the person in charge of censoring was only looking for profane words and didn't know that West was not following his script, according to reports.

West's comments were edited out of the West Coast airing of the show, which was broadcast three hours later.

1:45pm - more follow up

Kanye West explodes in record sales despite Republican backlash and censorship
from playahata.com

Censorship is what took place when NBC started distancing itself from West minutes after his appearance. Telethon host Matt Lauer noted that “emotions in this country right now are running very high. … We’ve heard some [criticism] tonight, but it’s still part of the American way of life.”Then NBC promptly proceeded to cut West remarks from West Coast viewing audiences who had not yet seen the telethon. Nor was West the only performer on “A Concert for Hurricane Relief” to make such a criticism, although others were more veiled. Another African-American performer and a resident of New Orleans, Aaron Neville, performed Randy Newman’s soulful ballad “Louisiana 1927,” which includes the haunting chorus, “They’re trying to wash us away.”

Kanye West’s outspoken criticism of President Bush’s response to Hurricane Katrina has become one of the most controversial statements by a popular artist in primetime for American audiences since Sinead O’Connor tore up a picture of the pope on “Saturday Night Live” in 1992 . His appearance on the cover of Time Magazine has helped to spawn cd sales and the college rapper theme has went on to surpass almost all of the rappers who claim gangsterism as a theme. The outspoken Kanye West whose album Late Registration is doing much better than expected may be experiencing a surge in sales due to his controversial and timely diss of President Bush . The College Dropout was one of last years best selling albums in all music genres according to http://www.billboard.com/bb/charts/album_index.jsp but it looks like his new album Late Registration is going to shatter those numbers. As of press time Late Registration is scheduled to sell about 825,000 CD’s in its first week.

Ironically despite backlash by some Republican bloggers and pundits. West has received support for his comments from many on traditionally republican sites such as Redstate.org , the polls on the site support West Comments despite commentry that would seek to censure him from the redstate site editors.

Voices from the Katrina disaster on Breakdown FM with Kanye re-mix. New Orleans rappers and local analysis.
If you have speakers on your computers you want to hear this.

Little Fingers of Life

2005-09-06T11:52:00.000-04:00

A friend of mine sent me this email, and I thought it was amazing.

A picture began circulating in November. It should be "The Picture of the Year," or perhaps, "Picture of the Decade." It won't be. In fact, unless you obtained a copy of the US paper which published it, you probably would never have seen it. The picture is that of a 21-week-old unborn baby named Samuel Alexander Armas, who is being operated on by a surgeon named Joseph Bruner. The baby was diagnosed with spina bifida and would not survive if
removed from his mother's womb. Little Samuel's mother, Julie Armas, is an obstetrics nurse in Atlanta. She knew of Dr. Bruner's remarkable surgical procedure. Practicing at Vanderbilt University Medical Center in Nashville, he performs these special operations while the baby is still in the womb.

During the procedure, the doctor removes the uterus via C-section and makes a small incision to operate on the baby. As Dr. Bruner completed the surgery on Samuel, the little guy reached his tiny, but fully developed hand through the incision and firmly grasped the surgeon's finger. Dr. Bruner was reported as saying that when his finger was grasped, it was the most emotional moment of his life, and that for an instant during the procedure he was just frozen, totally immobile. The photograph captures this amazing event with perfect clarity. The editors titled the picture, "Hand of Hope." (the picture is a litle graphic, so if you have a weak stomach, you may not want to look)

The text explaining the picture begins, "The tiny hand of 21-week-old fetus Samuel Alexander Armas emerges from the mother's uterus to grasp the finger of Dr. Joseph Bruner as if thanking the doctor for the gift of life." Little Samuel's mother said they "wept for days" when they saw the picture. She said, "The photo reminds us pregnancy isn't about disability or an illness, it's about a little person." Samuel was born in perfect health, the operation 100 percent successful. Now see the actual picture, and it is awesome .. incredible ... and hey, pass it on. The world needs to see this one!

There are two ways to live your life.
One is as though nothing is a miracle.
The other is as though everything is a miracle.

Movie Screen Queen I am most like....lol

2005-09-04T02:09:00.000-04:00

Katharine Hepburn
You scored 23% grit, 14% wit, 57% flair, and 21% class!

You are the fabulously quirky and independent woman of character. You go your own way, follow your own drummer, take your own lead. You stand head and shoulders next to your partner, but you are perfectly willing and able to stand alone. Others might be more classically beautiful or conventionally woman-like, but you possess a more fundamental common sense and off-kilter charm, making interesting men fall at your feet. You can pick them up or leave them there as you see fit. You share the screen with the likes of Spencer Tracy and Cary Grant, thinking men who like strong women.

Find out what kind of classic leading man you'd make by taking the Classic Leading Man Test.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people of your age and gender:

You scored higher than 50% on grit

You scored higher than 9% on wit

You scored higher than 95% on flair

You scored higher than 40% on class

Link: The Classic Dames Test

heyyyy...I got grit, hahaha.

Long, but wonderful

2005-09-04T01:03:00.000-04:00

......thats how my day was. I got my wi-fi router in the mail and it set up with flying colors. now i can use my laptop anywhere inside or outside the house and be able to get online with no cords. You dont know how happy this makes e, not to be tied/chained to a desk all day!!! this enables me to work in any room of the house, in the yard...I even used it today at my neighbors.

Speaking of which, i'm house sitting. They went to Cape Cod for the holiday, to go on their friends boat, and asked us to house-sit. That meant a lot to me because they moved in about 3 weeks after we did, and we only know them now for about 2 mos, that shows a lot of trust. I guess she should trust me though, when she signed her son Joey, up for school, she couldnt get aftercare for him (he's 8) and so I offered to let the bus drop him here after school. She gets off about an hour after that, so it's not so bad. Her son is a little, umm how should I put this...special? He's intensly into YuGiOh (spelling?) and cartoon network, he dresses like a power ranger in his spare time (i thought power rangers were outdated?) and spider man, depending on how he feels. He's very precocious and spoiled, extremlely good looking, and has his heads in the cloud. I called him peter pan the other day and Joe almost peed on hisself laughing. Jessica and him (joey) actually look like brother and sister.

So the house sitting consists of feeding and watering, the dog, three tropical birds (one of which sways back and forth like stevie wonder, the other screams at the top of his lungs constantly and the third scream "what?" over and over again, two guinie pigs, and a hamster. Seems like a lot, but it's not really and jessica enjoys doing it. The other responsibility is the oh-so-terrible task of swimming in their beautiful inground pool. Ha...I stayed in that pool almost 6 hours...my toes and fingers looked like raisins. Dont know if i ever mentioned how much I love swimming...I used to love the ocean, until I started going to the lake, then i fell in love with the lake...I love floating and swiming, and the ocean has such fluctuating temps, and lots of sea creatures that could really screw up your day, particularly stingers, which after seeing my cousins leg, I'd rather not experience. Anyway, lakes and pools...thats my thing..celeste used to tell me i was worse than the kids, she used to have to ask me to get out the water more than them....I cant wait till I can get a pool put in. When I do, I'm going to have a once a year women's retreat for some of my female friends and some of the female associates I've worked/work with.

I plan on sleeping late tomorrow...making a nice breakfast for me and Joe and spend the whole day in the pool. Jess is leaving with Joes cousin MeeMee to go to the lake...(yeah, this really wasn't the weekend for punishment, but MeeMee is going to do her hair for school, so if she goes with her and they decide to go to the lake, Jess has to go, and I can't ake MeeMee put her on punishment...I mean I could, but it would make everyone miserable and I wouldnt even be there.) So i think Joe's going to move her punishment to next weekend, only jess doesnt know it yet. wicked.

I did some canning yesterday and today, I made Pear-Applesauce, about 20 pears and 2 bags of apples and only got 4 quarts of it, which jessica could wipe out in a week, except i threatened her with death. (wondering if I only got 4 quarts cause she was already in it...hmmm...something to think about, she's a sneaky lil wench) Her, Pharoah, Tyquan and Eli used to eat it as fast as I could make it, there wasn't even a point to canning it, it would be gone so soon...I eventually just wound up putting it in the fridge instead of going thru the whole canning process.

Today we made about 12 containers of homemade salsa, fresh tomatoes, onions, cilantro, jalepeno's....it's going to be delish when winter gets here to taste those summer tomatoes.

Ask and it shall be given.....

2005-09-02T23:43:00.000-04:00

So...I was reading back on some of my older posts, since I hadn't written in so long. I mean it's been almost a year exactly since the last time I wrote. One post in particular, struck me. I asked for this situation last year, and it is exactly the situation I have right now.

I have always, since I was a little girl, wanted a place with land, a pool, maybe a horse or two, dogs, cats....basically a country sort of life....away from people, unless I wanted to be near them, and I always assumed this would be something I could get when I got "older". Either I'm "older" now (and at 38 I dread to think it, lol, or I managed to do something a lot of people dont get to do...realize my dream. Now dont get me wrong, Im not living high off the hog, there are many things I need right now that I cant get, a lawn mower for one would be nice. It's mostly things relating to the outdoors that I need that a family coming from the city would be so clueless about. I was so concerned that we wouldnt be able to close on the house that I wasn't even thinking about a lawn mower, lol.

But I have just what I asked for, 3 acres of land, I could throw a rock and not hit anyones house....I have more space than I know what to do with, 13 rooms.....we now have two cats, Mia and Dill....three puppies, Napoleon, Spider Man and Scout....two goldfish, Oscar and Peanut, and at some point, we hope to have a horse and a pool, but in the meantime, we have wonderful neighbors with an in ground pool, who have extended an open invitation and we go often. I even watch their 8 year old son Joey after school.

I know I said I wanted crickets, and I got them in spades...those suckers are noisy as hell! This one gets underneath my window every night and sings his little heart out, but if I could find him, boy......I'd beat him senseless.

Jessica, after being homeschooled for the past two years is back in the public school system. It's taking her a little time to get acclimated, but I'm sure she'll be ok. She's doing great in every class except for gym....and she's having a little trouble staying orginized, but her teachers are strict, she's on punishement this whole weekend for not finishing an assignement. Like I said, Im sure she'll be ok. lol

It really sucks that she's on punishement this weekend because im house sitting the neighbors pool...er, i mean house, and I planned to spend every waking oment in that sucker, but she screwed that up, how am i supposed to sit in the pool all day now knowing she's miserable....mothers guilt...sucks.

The Calm and the Storm

2005-09-01T20:54:00.000-04:00

This Katrina has wreaked unbelivable havoc. Utterly the worst I know of in the US besides the thousands of Native American and Africans killed, but that wasn't a natural disaster was it? I haven't written in I don't know how long and so much has happened that during this crisis I'd feel like an idiot blathering about my own problems or events....

Looking at the news has bought me to tears on more than one occasion, this one young couple was so worried about her father who refused to leave with them, and talked the newspeople into bringing them to see if he was ok....when they pulled up to the house, he was out on the deck, and the girl just screamed "DADDY"....he waved his arms and she yelled "I got you daddy!". It was so sweet.

I keep trying to think of a way that I can help....sending money seems to be the quickest fix, but to who? so many reports are saying that there are so many people who STILL have had no help, many people stranded, hungry thirsty and i tlooks like no help forthcoming. Where is the red cross, where is Bush (dummy flies over and looks down on his people), where is the help....and if I give money how do I know its going to help?

I've heard that there are many people going on craigslist.org and offering rooms in their house...I menntioned it to Joe and he was like "I don't think so", lol. Then my daughter was like why not....I think its something that I would do, my heart is like that, but growing up in the "hood" Joe always thinks the worst. "what if they rob you?", "What if they rob you and leave in the middle of the night", "what if they call other people and open the door in the middle of the night for them to rob you", "what if they call other people and open the door in the middle of the night so they can rob you and kill you in your sleep"? Something to think about I guess, sure knocks the wind out of helping in that way though. I'd like to think if you did something like that you would be protected just by the positive energy that something like that would incur....Joe would tell me I'm "living with the fairies" again. Thats what he tells me when he thinks I'm dreaming or not being realistic, lol.

But it still brings me back to my original thought...what to do? I saw many babies with just diapers on, lots of people with no shoes....collect these things? Then how to get them to the people. I think everyone is probably thinking like I a, with no thought of how to go about doing these things. Lemme sleep on it, I know I'll come up with something.

2 exe's in 2 days

2004-09-07T00:27:00.000-04:00

(in case you dont notice, there is a diffrence of alost a whole year between this entry and the last, just letting you know so u dont get confused...i took a year break, dont ask why)

One of my exes D. sends me an IM...he says "You don't love me anymore". First of all, when did I ever say i loved him to begin with? Second...I don't even know if he could even be considered an "ex" as in "Ex boyfriend" because we only dated a few times. I liked him a lot..He was my type...Daring, funny, outrageous, fun, good looking with a great sense of humor. However...He gave no indication of wanting a serious relationship (those types never do, do they?) We dated a few times, and I was very clear with him that I wanted to be in a committed relationship and that only seemed to alienate him further.

So. I let it go and moved on. About a year later is when I met Joe, and since I met Joe I never looked back. Joe is everything D. is, only I think D. is a few years younger. D. has a slender muscular build, while Joe is heavier, muscular with a boxers build.

At any rate, once he found out I was dating Joe, he took that time to tell me how much he liked me (hinting at the "L" word) and what we had was good and he wished we could have explored it more, I was the only person who really understood him, he was a fool and he fucked up.

I took much of it with a grain of salt. I really think it's mostly a case of sour grapes, or a simple wish to "think" he felt that way, when it really isn't true, and now an excuse to guilt-trip me and make me feel guilty about my relationship, which is wonderful. All of my girlfriends were swooning over D. and thought he was the cutest thing with his motorcycle, but I wouldn't trade what I have for anything. Especially someone who hasn't a clue about what he really wants.

.....................

On another note. Another ex, B, called here last night. Now this one really is an "Ex boyfriend". We dated on and off for years, with him causing me large amounts of pain and suffering. It wasn't the first time someone hurt me, but I think it may have been one of the worst.

So, he calls and leaves this cavalier message along the lines of "Hey baby, long time no see...Your girlfriend (?) gave me your number, and I wanted to see you and see how you were doing." unfortunately, Joe was sitting two feet from the phone and I was in the kitchen oblivious at the time. To Joe's credit...He didn't pick up the phone, I can't say that I would have had as much self-control. I think the main reason he didn't (pick it up) was because he could tell that Brett hadn't spoke to me in a long time and he's giving me the respect of letting him know I'm involved? Or maybe he's still respects the fact that even though we live together, it really is my phone? Since tomorrow is our 3rd year anniversary, I probably shouldn't think like that...I dunno.

So I have all of these memories flooding back regarding B. Tall, Dark and handsome is an understatement when it came to him. Muscular, athletic, perfect body. Smart, funny, outrageous, daring...but ultimately...an asshole.

He lied to me, he used me, did all the dirty tricks and played all the dirty games imaginable. I had a miscarriage with him, I believe due to stress. It was the first time (and last) that I sat in my car in front of someone's house to spy on them. I took him back and broke up with him too many times to imagine. I crossed state lines to see him, I fought, laughed, cried and would've died with him.

I don't want to call him back. Am I obligated to? Then again, another part of me wants to call him and let him know that I found someone...someone who is good and kind and sweet. Maybe give him a piece of my mind for the crap he put me thru.

update:
I never did call B back...it's been a year and I didn't regret it, since then, at least two other exe's have contacted, and I didn't call them back either. I'm happy where I'm at with everything, and not planning on being the one who screws it up.

2004-08-31T20:52:00.000-04:00

Am I the only one saddened by watching Trading Spouses? If you haven't been watching, they take two dads from two different families and switch them. They did this before, only they switched the mothers.

This time, they switch a guy from the country (who we'll call country guy), who comes from a broke down trailer house complete with food-stealing cats, flies, 2 bad ass kids, flies, an air mattress bed, flies, chickens, dogs, flies, horses, cows, turkeys and did I mention....flies?

The other dad, we'll call him "city guy", is a jewish lawyer who lives in NYC. They could not have pigeon-holed two personality types better if they tried. The city guy as you can see is plainly disgusted. However, he's so big and red that you can almost imagine him fitting into this life. You can almost see it going across his face as he thinks about it. "In another life...this could have been my life."

Country guy is almost like an atypical country guy. Easy going, country manners, he doesn't seem too bright, but he makes up for it in genuine concern. Country guy is a simple guy.

I think the saddest part was when city mom took county dad to their beach house...he looks into the camera and says "I wish I had a beach house...I'd settle for a boat house."

He's living with these people who live an a gorgeous (expensive) apartment building in NYC, with a doorman, and gym in the building, a beach house.....what's he going back to at the end of the week? Bad ass kids and flies. I feel really bad for this guy. It seems his life was ok for him before this show came along.

the Country kids...are bad mannered and well...just downright fuckin bratty. They whine like 2 year olds, they whine, pout, scream, whine, demand, pick, whine and whine. City guy came so close to smacking the shit out of them...and I was praying he would just let loose and do it.

city mom...what can i say? She's a total controlling, aggresive NYC bitchy jewish mother. Everything has to be exactly how she says it should be, all the time. I think city mom, needs to live with country kids for a couple of months...now THAT would be a reality show for your ass! Cause country mom? has no social skills, no child rearing skills, no house cleaning skills.....she's everything that people make fun of about the country.

City mom's worst line - "you don't have a dishwasher? You can get a dishwasher for about 200 dollars." Country guy says...maybe she doesnt understand poor people very well.

country girl is totally repelled by the fancy restaraunt. Disgusted by mozzerell, lamb chops....

and city guy kinda looks down on her, cause he feels she doesnt want to make her life better cause she doesnt want to eat at fancy places...

Both of the families get 50k. It's decided that the dads will have to decide how the other families money is spent. city guy thinks maybe real estate is the way to go (I agree). country guy is clueless....he should just make the city family give the country family their 50k. :D

ok...enough of my babbling. If the show is so terrible....why can't I stop watching? Ha

Dead Man goes unnoticed for 2 years.....

2004-08-31T01:02:00.000-04:00

This guy dies and no one notices for two years. What the hell? Seems they thought he had gone on vacation or traveling. All of his bill were paid automatically. That's where this damn computer age gets us....Your DEAD and everyone thinks your alive cause your bills get paid automatically.

I wonder sometimes, I mean..I have Joe and my sister. But I don't really have any friends. I have a very small handful of people who I like and I keep in contact with. I guess they would be considered friends, but we don't "hang out", talk every day (or even every week), we don't do things together...Just email here and there or and occasional IM. I'm a bit of a hermit..I like solitary things...Reading, writing, computers, painting, photography. People talk too much. Or they talk about bullshit...Yeah that's really what it is. Gossip, backstabbing, trivial shit. It irritates me, and I turn inwards.

I don't want to grow old and be "that" lady...The one who wears her housecoat out to the sidewalk to get the paper, who wears stocking with her sandals, has 4 or 5 cats (that she feeds, and three more that live with her)....Or GOD FORBID one of the old ladies you see on cam in the paltalk or yahoo chatrooms in their saggy bra trying to entice a male (ANY male...Please God).

Ok, I need more friends.

2004-08-29T02:05:00.000-04:00

I'm too lazy and tired right now to think of anything to talk about today so, I got this questionaire from Owlish's Blog Thanks Owlish :)

I don't know what will actually apply to me, I changed a few from the original to suit me (what the hell, its my blog) :)

1.Name spelled backwards: esahc

2.Where nationality are your parents: Father: Sicilian & Zulu (yes, from Africa, it's a long story)), Mother: Cherokee & Puerto Rican (don't ask)

3. Last thing downloaded: a cool ass trailer for a cool ass looking movie called Grayson. You can download the trailer here. It's awesome.

4. Fave restaurant: There's this authentic Italian joint near me called Rita and Joe's, which I truly love, but they can be expensive. I like Olive Garden as well.

5. Last time you swam in a pool: couple weeks ago, a friend has a pool in their complex.

6. Have you ever been in a school play? Oh my God. I forgot that, I DID play in one...I played a courtesan (whore) in a play called "A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum"? I think..that's what it was called. It was hella long ago. I remember I was in the 7th grade..and I had a huge major crush on this older guy named (don't laugh) Buddy. Buddy Benson. He looked like Chico DeBarge. I followed him around like a lovesick puppy. One day he said his shoulder was killing him, and I offered to rub it for him. (didnt I say no laughing?) We sat in the back and I rubbed his shoulder and neck, and when I was done, since my hands and his neck were so warm, I blew on his neck. He got mad and said something like you dont blow on someone after you massage them, cause you can cause the muscle to tighten up even worse, blah blah blah. Jerk.

7. How many kids do you want? I have one..12 yrs old. I wish I would of had about 4 more.

8. Type of music you dislike the most: chamber/elevator music?

9. Registered to vote: no

10. Do you have cable? God, yes, you don't?

11. Have you ever ridden on a moped? yes

12. Ever prank call anyone? yes...haha

13. Ever get a parking ticket? God, yes

14. Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving? Bungee jumping, no way. But I always wanted to do the running and jumping off a cliff with a parachute, and jumping out of a plane. Then I heard that you land really hard and if you're not careful you could break your leg/s, ankle/s....so I'm kinda thinking twice about it.

15. Farthest place traveled: I never measured it in miles. Sotland, Italy, London, Amsterdam, Canada, Germany, Switzerland....

16. Do you have a garden? I did last year. But we were SO inundated with mosquitos i hate even going into our backyard.

17. What's your favorite comic strip: Calvin & Hobbs

18. Do you really know all the words to your national anthem? yup

19. Bath or shower, morning or night? shower every night.

20. Best movie you've seen in the past month? N/A

21. Favorite pizza topping? I'm not a big Pizza lover, but if I do get it, it has to have ground beef or sausage.

22. Chips or popcorn? Chips! Pringles!

23. What color lipstick do you usually wear? a tannish shiny one

24. Have you ever smoked peanut shells? huh?

25. Have you ever been in a beauty pageant? no, never in a pageant...I've been in fashion show competitions, not sure how different they are.

26. Orange juice or apple? Orange, actually I like Ruby Red Grapefruit the best.

27. Who was the last person you went out to dinner with and where did you dine? "Dinner" sounds so formal, I went out with Joe, Jess and a friend of ours Jose and his son JC. We went to a little greasy spoon joint and had burgers and fries.

28. Favorite type chocolate bar: Bar? Be serious. Lindt truffles, and anything Godiva.

30. Last time you ate a homegrown tomato? Last summer.

31. Have you ever won a trophy? When I was little...for bowling and spelling.

32. Are you a good cook? try great! It's one of my passions.

33. Do you know how to pump your own gas? yes, try driving thru GA at 3am, they will NOT come out and pump you, you can sit there forever.

34. Ever order an article from an infomercial? no, but I really have my eye on this cool, cutting, chopping, blending, twirling thingie that I can pay for in 5 easy payments of 19.99 each. (If I order today I'll get 2 mini versions of it free!)

35. Sprite or 7-up? sprite

36. Have you ever had to wear a uniform to work? no

37. Last thing you bought at a pharmacy? Ice cream i think? I hate going in the pharmacy....mainly becuase pharmacies aren't really "pharmacies" anymore, they're more like a huge toy store for adults. I mean, sure they have a pharmacist and you can pick up your prescription there, but its the candy, cards, makeup, do dads, hair care, lotions, sex aides, perfumes, they even have a FOOD aisle now for crissakes. I can blow 100 bucks in walgreens and not even know on what.

38. Ever throw up in public? If the bathroom at the club counts, or the side of the highway out the open door while my sisters going 55 mph counts then I guess so. The club one happened once, and I MADE myself throw up. The car thing happened once too...but the shots of JD made me throw up that time. :D

39. Would you prefer being a millionaire or finding true love? I think I may have already found him...so...if i could keep him then you know what the answer is. If not, then I guess I'd never talk to Robin Leach

40. Do you believe in love at first sight? Lust at first site, YES! Love is a little more complicated than that.

41. Ever call a 900 number? no

42. Can ex's be friends? rarely. Guy's being friends with their exe's, sometimes...woman's exe's I think will always have a thought that they will get her back in the sack one day. At least all of my exe's did, and why I'm not friends with any of them.

43. Who was the last person you visited in a hospital? yesterday, Joe's Mom is in the hospital.

44. Did you have a lot of hair when you were a baby? yes

45. What message is on your answering machine? my companies message ( I work from home...my personal line is simple "leave a message, blah, blah, blah"

46. What's your all-time favorite SNL character? The Church Lady

47. Name of first pet? Nikita (black cat)

48. What is in your purse? I doubt I have enough space for this answer. Always a book, lip gloss, pens, wallet, hard candy, make-up wallet, loose change, reciepts.

49. Favorite thing to do before bedtime? Before or during bedtime? :D I either read to Joe or we watch a movie.

50. What is one thing you are grateful for today? That my daughter is well spoken and mannerable.

Lindt

2004-08-26T20:29:00.000-04:00

Have you ever tried Lindt chocolate truffles? They come in milk chocolate, dark chocolate and (gasp) white chocolate. I looooove white chocolate, every since I was a little girl. All the kids in my family would get brown chocolate bunnies and I would be the oddball with the beautiful white chocolate bunny. The best thing was all the other kids hated how it tasted, so it was mine...mine, mine, mine....all mine. (sorry for the Daffy Duck moment)

From the Lindt website:

Before you take a bite - smell the chocolate, breath in its aroma and take a good look at it. Is it shiny or dull? What is its color and texture? Much like a wine connoisseur, chocolate lovers consider appearance, smell and taste. True chocolate aficionados let the chocolate melt on their tongue and enjoy the various degrees of intensity and sensual feelings while it liquefies.

Professional chocolate connoisseurs have many terms to describe the texture, quality and feel of chocolate. Let's look at the texture of a chocolate bar first, how does it break? Does it crumble and splinter or is it a clean break coming off with a hard and clear "crack"? If it does, it's an almost sure sign of an excellent quality. Is the praline shiny and does it have a thin shell of chocolate surround it? Is it beginning to melt if you hold it between your fingers a few seconds? If it doesn't, it may contain a lot of vegetable fat.

Let's taste it now -- slowly let a square melt in your mouth or take a small bite from a praline. Does it melt nicely and smoothly, or does it leave a granular or "floury" feeling in your mouth? Granular residues may be the sign of too much sugar, which in turn may make you thirsty. Does it stick to your palate and require considerable pains to dislodge it from the roof of your mouth?..It shouldn't. Does it melt easily and change without much effort from solid to liquid without chewing it? If it doesn't, its too "dry." but the opposite, "fatty" will just leave that kind of taste in your mouth. It goes without mention . . . the less granular the texture, the smoother, the less fatty and softer melting, the better the chocolate!

A few words about the cocoa contents are in order here. A high cocoa content is no guarantee for flavor; it's the quality of the beans and the way they are processed and used in production that have the biggest impact on its final taste.

Lindt chocolate truly has all of the admirable qualities they mentioned here. FYI, I've managed to find Lindt (rarely) at Walgreens, Rite Aide and hardly anywhere else except online. :(

Did I mention I love chocolate?....but nothing more than Lindt.

Fortune cookie madness

2004-08-26T20:16:00.000-04:00

1. You are complex and analytical by nature.

complex = hard to deal with/pain in the ass
analytical = thinks too damn much

2. You principles mean more to you than any money or success

depends....how much money or success?

3. You are talented in many ways

well DUR.....Stevie Wonder could see that! Ha

I said it once...I'll say it again. Fortune cookies blow.

Free Chinese food

2004-08-26T15:43:00.000-04:00

So last night I was outside practicing sparring in the driveway with Jessica and the chinese food delivery guy pulls up in his little Nisson, he parks in front of my driveway and goes up the steps of the house next door to ours.

Meanwhile a gaggle of kids comes down the street on foot and bikes, and one of the kids walks almost past the car and then calmly proceeds to open the door, get in and drive off. It really creeped me out, because he did it so calm and cool. He looked about ten, but he was probably about 13. He had to lean up to see over the steering wheel fer chrissakes. I dont live in a bad neighborhood (so I thought) but I am so ready to move to a more rural area.

I'd like to live somewhere where I can throw a rock and not hit another house. Someplace where the only thing I hear at night are crickets and the only thing I hear in the morning is birds. I want a yard, not a boxed in patch of grass. Someday. *sigh*

EDZ SEZ

2004-08-25T17:29:00.000-04:00

I found a really cool "REAL" blog today (see below posts for reference. EDZ SEZ has an awesome blog. In fact, between him and red (see last post) they made me forget two things I needed to do...damn them!

I left so many comments on Edz blog, I hope he doesnt think I'm stalking him, lol. But, everytime I read a new entry, i had to comment (smile). AND I added him to my sidebar links (lol) no i'm not a stalker. I just like it when I find cool people.

If you get a chance check him out...cool insight, hysterical outlook.

Julius and Friends

2004-08-25T15:50:00.000-04:00

Thanks to Raging Red for steering me towards this awesome website called Julius and Friends . I haven't had a chance to go thru the whole site yet, but what I saw was hella cool. Thanks!

2004-08-25T13:19:00.000-04:00

So I was minding my own business...doing some work, going thru emails. When my stomach growled. Since I'm in the middle of something I grabbed the closest thing. A fortune cookie from last nights dinner.

Fortune: "If your desires are not extravagant they will be granted"

What the hell does that mean? Wish for a house, just don't wish for a mansion? Wish for a car, just don't let it be a Benz or a Jag?

Personally I dont think I've had a lot of extravagant desires....I'd like to get a house....at least 3 or 4 bedrooms..is that too extravagant? I'd love to have a jeep..mainly for the space....too extravagant? I love my Millenia, but its got NO space for much of anything, the spare takes up most of the trunk.

Like I said before. fortune cookies blow. It didnt even taste all that good.

My fortune

2004-08-25T00:41:00.000-04:00

Here's what my fortune cookie said (you knew this was coming)...

Ok wait...First of all my fortune cookie had TWO fortunes in it. Does that mean I'm twice as lucky or each fortune is only half as lucky? hmmmm.

1. Your home is a pleasant place from which you draw happiness.

ok. I guess.

I mean, I do draw in my home...But I would be much happier if I had a room I could paint in. (lol) But seriously, I do draw happiness from my home...Who doesn't? It's where all of your shit is...The shit that makes you happy. Right? I mean, I'm not happy about the rent I have to pay. I'm not happy with the space....nevermind, just forget it. Next.

2. From now on your kindness will lead you to success.

ok. They actually had the nerve to put a friggin smiley face after that.

Lets ponder that one...I like the use of the phrase "from now on" aptly indicating that in the past, my kindness has been taken for weakness, and I've gotten TOTALLY FUCKED OVER a gazillion times for being nice.

So just when I've somewhat decided that I need to be more of a bitch and less "kind" to mf's, fate decides to tell me that "from now on" my kindness will lead me to success.

*sigh* Fortune cookies really blow.

good night.

2004-08-24T22:06:00.000-04:00

Ok so, since I was reading Pushing in the Pin's blog, whilst I ate my dinner (still not quite sure if this was a good idea) (smile) and came across this little piece of work and now my food doesnt taste as good damnit! Mackerel Pudding? Wtf? Fish balls and chicken liver bake. Good lord. Caucasian Shashlik.

I just had to stop looking until I finished my meal. Which by the way was greeeaaat. In fact it was so good, I slipped easily into the lo carb mode, ate my shrimp and broccoli and gave Joe my rice, which is my weakness. cool.

so there IS life on blogger!

2004-08-24T21:22:00.000-04:00

Just when I was thinking of handing in my blogger pass, cause I'm SO tired of finding blogs that are all about the olympics or the fuckin election. GET a LIFE people. Jeez.

Anyway, by some fab stroke of luck I came across The Mangey Cur Diaries and Pushing In The Pin. I didnt do jack shit of any of the work I was supposed to get done cause I was reading about butt plugs, peeing problems, Kylie Minogue's (sp) ass, and the evil-ness (is that a word?) of Target, on their blogs. Fun Fun Fun.

......................

My chinese food just came, and I'm famished (the guy actually comes on a bike with the little basket in front holding the food). This is from my new most favorite chinese place I discovered last week. Did I mention I love them? Lovely fresh shrimp and broccoli with little bits of garlic and tasty spring rolls with fresh bits of mushroom, cabbage and shrimp....and the mustard....to DIE for, they make it fresh, the kind that opens up your WHOLE sinus passage, even areas you didnt know you had, and if you take too much, will bring tears to your eyes. Yum!

I'm off..I may post again about some issues after I eat. Or not.

work

2004-08-23T18:44:00.000-04:00

I think today is just one of those days where everything or everyone wants to piss you off. I don't think I ever mentioned what i do, but I'm a publicist. Meaning; I get people (singers, emcess, actors, poets, writers, artists, movies, and other types of businesses) into magazines, newspapers, television, ect.

It's a great job in that i work for myself, and don't have to answer to a boss. I do however, have clients to answer to. I don't have a boss to tell me what, and when to do something, but I do have deadlines that have to be met, and I have to schedule myself accordingly.

So, on to what pissed me off. Theres this guy, he used to produce a group we worked with a few years ago. He now works with a major group...world known. He calls us (cause he knows we're the bomb) and asks us if we'd be interested in working with them. Well, hell yeah. So he asks us some questions, and asks us how much we want and we give him a great price, much lower than a lot of other independent firms out there and he says he'll call us back.

He calls us back and offers us a price about 1/4 of what we asked for, and said that if we couldn't do it for that price they had another publicist who would.

We could use the extra money, but damn...why are people so unwilling to pay for quality work? We have worked with a variety of musical icons, we've had our clients in just about every major magazine in existance, yet they stll feel the need to pay us pennies.

Its hard to say, "stick it up your ass" when your rent and car note are due.

ticked off

2004-08-23T16:27:00.000-04:00

When jessica was down south with her aunts, I was told that Jessica went in the pool in her underwear and her aunt told her she "wasn't going to be happy until someone raped her ass". First off, there are NO men around at all. Second, they are in a rural area, with no houses anywhere near them. This is not to say that she should have gone outside in her underwear at ALL, please, she knows better and she was WRONG. But there is a way to talk to children without demeaning them.

Well, to make a long story short, I called her aunt and tried to address how she talks to Jessica. I was VERY polite and did not want to come off confrontational. I spoke in even tones and explained that i wanted to talk about Jessica's feelings. (thats whats really important here) and she asked me "did jessica tell you she lies?".

Now that had nothing to do with what we were talking about, but I heard her out while she told me how Jessica said that I didnt send any long pants with her, only shorts. Which wasn't true. (FYI: Jess claims she didnt lie, but that the long pants were in another bag. ) WHATever. It really had nothing to do with the topic at hand, but I let her vent.

Afterwards I told her (still politely) that what I called to address was what Jessica percieved as her attitude towards (her) jessica and how Jessica felt about it. Well she got all in a huff and told me she was fifty something years old, that she was old enough to be my mother, and Jessica's grandmother. I cut her off and told her she was NOT my mother OR Jess's grandmother. She said she was trying "Train" those kids, I told her I don't need anyone to "train my kid" that I was the only one who "trained" my kid and she didnt need to be bothered with Jess, and she said do it then (train her) and she didnt want jess around her anymore. I just said fine and hung up the phone.

I wrote the following and emailed it to half her father's side of the family. Was it too much?

####################

First of all I would like to say that I don't have Doris's (her aunt) email address so I cannot email her directly. However, what I wanted to say, I felt I needed to say to as many family members as possible so that things don't get misconstrued as they are passed along.

Jessica has mentioned to me over the past few years since her father died that she felt that certain family members (on her father's side) hated her. Now, I felt she was overreacting by using such a strong word, and I also know that sometimes children perceive things differently than it may have been intended. But Jessica told me some things that some of the adults have said to her, and I was told things by other people which I did not agree with.

However, some things are what they are, and when someone tells kids "the only reason they even bother with you is because you're family" (I wont even get into WHO said that, many other people were there when it was said.), that's very blatant and hurtful, especially towards children. Jessica has also complained repeatedly that her Aunt Doris speaks very harshly towards her and says nasty things to her. I cannot say if these things are true, because I am not there when they are said, but when I said something to other family members they agree that things were said, and they also agree that those things were messed up, however it seems no one is willing to do anything to address or stop it.

The issue that bought this whole thing up was that Jessica wore her underwear in the pool when she was down south, and she also wore them riding a bike up the road. Doris told her "she wasn't going to be happy until someone raped her ass." Jessica knows she should not have worn her underwear outside, period. However she tells me that the last time they were down there, Brianna (her 7 year old cousing and Doris's granddaughter) did it, AND brianna was in the pool with her underwear on when Willie was in the pool. I told Jessica that I could give two flying ____'s what Brianna or anyone else does, she knows better than to go outside in her underwear.

HOWEVER, because a child does something you don't like, does that mean you can say ANYTHING to them? If a child breaks the rules you punish them. You can yell, you can reprimand, but you talk to them like they are human, not like they are animals or like you are disgusted by them. Jessica is not the ONLY one who has said that Doris spoke to her overly harsh. However it seems that Jessica is the only one willing to speak about it.

I have no problem with Jessica being reprimanded by other adults in her family, if that was the case she wouldn't be around them. I do NOT think that Jessica is a perfect child that never does anything wrong, I have never said or believed that. She is a child and is subject to doing all of the things that many children do. I do not encourage her to lie, she knows the repercussions for lying and consequently, I do not have much of a problem with Jessica lying, the few times she has lied to me she has been severely punished.

I tried today, very politely, to have a civilized conversation with Doris about the way she speaks to Jessica, and her initial response was to ask me if Jessica told me she(jessica) lies, and them proceeded to tell me that Jessica lied about not having pants when she did.

I explained to her that one thing didn't have anything to do with the other, and she told me she was fifty something years old, old enough to be my mother and no one was going to tell her how to train kids. As if I have no right to ask her anything or she's in the business of training my child.

1. I don't need anyone to train my child. If anyone thinks I'm not doing such a hot job, this is the first time I am hearing about it, and anyone who thinks that Jessica isn't trained enough to be around them...can speak to me about it or NOT have her around them. It's very simple. In the past if Mary (Jessicas stepmother) or anyone else told me something that Jess did, I punished her.

2. My own mother doesn't tell me what to do anymore. I am just as grown as another adult. Being old(er) is not an excuse to be able to talk to people any old kind of way. And if everyone else is too scared to say something....I'm not. If Jessica's father was alive half this bullshit wouldn't even be happening.

3. When Jessica goes to her grandmothers house, she goes because her and her grandmother agreed for her to come, NOT because I ask for her to go there. I don't need a baby-sitter for Jessica, as far as I'm concerned she never has to go over anyone's house.

4. I was told that now Doris wont have anything to do with Jessica. Jessica is a CHILD. If a CHILD does something wrong, we act appropriately as you would towards a child. There is NEVER an excuse to treat a child like shit. NEVER. no matter if they lie, don't listen or anything else. Punish them, yes. Verbally abuse them or treat them like crap, no. There's a way to teach (or train) children, and it should always be done out of love.

Last but not least, If ANYONE does not want Jessica around them, speak now. I didn't realize my child was such a terror that "no one wants her around" as I've been told. I was never under the impression that anyone was taking care of Jessica besides her grandmother anyway, because I never asked anyone else to take care of her.

If as an adult, Doris wants to block her niece out of her life, that's her call. Jessica will be hurt, but she won't be any more hurt than she already has been. Has anyone bothered to think that maybe kids act out because of the DEATH OF THEIR FATHER? Is it possible to try and talk TO kids instead of AT them and ABOUT them? Do you think Jess and Keke don't hear the nasty things that have been said about them and their MOTHERS?

No matter how many problems my sister and I go thru, there is never an excuse for her to treat my daughter like crap, or for me to treat my nephews bad. I won't accept that from my own flesh and blood, I definitely wont accept it from anyone else.

I came across very politely when I called Doris. I felt that as two adults we could have a decent conversation about how jessica was feeling. If Doris (or anyone else for that matter) feels like I should not have said anything, that's too bad. If I think there is a problem with my child I'm going to speak on it. I tried to talk to Doris and instead of talking about it she wanted to get indignant that I should question HER, like she is beyond questioning, which is a load of crap. There is a problem here, and I am not the only person to think so. If everyone else is too chicken to say anything, that is not my problem either.

As far as I'm concerned Jessica never has to step foot in Maplewood again, but then I would be acting childish. I wouldn't want to seperate her from her father's family, as it was his wish that she stay close to them....particularly her sister. However, I do not feel that he would agree with anyone mistreating his children or subjecting them to verbal abuse, which is exactly what this amounts to....what is being said TO them and what is being said ABOUT them in their presence. If you think they are sub standard, "terrors", "bad-ass kids", with "no home training", dont have "the sense god gave them", or any one of the colorful things that have been said about them, you need to speak to their PARENT, because they are CHILDREN. And if you think the parent isnt doing a good job, you STILL need to speak to the PARENT.

Again I say, i would like for jessica to be close to her father's side of the family, but if that's not going to happen so be it. Life goes on.
###################

I wondered if I went to far, or said something I shouldn't have out of anger, but on the other hand I feel like if I dont speak up for my own child then who will? I also felt it was necessary to email not just the aunt, but other people who I knew had been present at the time when these nasty things were said, and one of the adults I emails (an aunt) was the one who said the nasty thing I quoted near the beginning of the letter. Joe said maybe I shouldnt have sent to everyone, but when I explained to him that I needed to make sure everyone knew how I felt about it, he agreed.

| Black Listed | 2004-08-19

2004-08-21T23:13:00.000-04:00

[rant] Wow, this story I came across is a real crock and sheds a not too favorable light on Hallmark's attitude towards people of color. How can you create a line of African American greeting cards and not have a single African American writer, writing any of the cards? Is that crazy or what?

I'm not a big card buyer. I used to be (a little bit) when I was younger, a random love declaration here, a best friend in the whole world note there....but now I can't remember the last time I gave anyone a card. Probably besides Jess for Xmas or Bday, though I may not have even done that...mainly because I am the "major gift buyer". When you buy over 10 gifts for one person, I think that gives you the privledge of not having to read a hundred cards and then try to decide which one is best suited to your situation. Not to mention in the flurry of gift opening and enjoyment, Jess's card go the way of gift wrap.

Lets not even get into the fact that I can never-ever choose any-thing. Give me a choice of two things and we may decide on something, give me more than 5, it becomes a real problem. Throw a trillion Hallmark cards in the mix. forgetaboutit. [/rant]

2004-08-21T21:25:00.000-04:00

Randomly selecting blogs from the front page seemed like a good idea at the time. The thing is, I didnt come across a single blog that seemed "real". Meaning, that it was written by a real person instead of a "character". For example, I was reading this blog, and I must admit, my mouth was hanging open and I really laughed, but when i realized it was affiliated with a cartoon site called Achewood which is a bunch of cartoon cats....it was still funny, but I was a little ticked off. I guess the guy was a little too weird to be real?

This guy's site is about cars. Ok, I'll be a little more precise, his site is about "What the experience of the intelligent cars of tomorrow will be like going by the technology of today". Oooooo kaaaayy. wow.

Where are the real people blogs? Are there other sites that real people blog on and I'm on the character blogger site by mistake. what the hell?

2004-08-21T19:23:00.000-04:00

Jessica's been gone or about 9 days now. She went to stay with her aunt Ella in N. Caroline. I guess its cool, of course I miss her, but on the other hand it's hella relaxing not to have to constantly keep behind her and on her for a week or so. She seems to be having a good time, I think that as long as her and her stepsister are together, getting into some trouble (smile) then she is in heaven. Forget about boring mom.

Her Aunt Doris went with them along with her 3 grandkids. Jessica has been telling me for a while that Doris speaks to her very meanly, and she told me that yesterday when they went out back to play in the pool, she couldn't find her bathing suit bottom...So since there were no men around, and no one around the house for miles, that she put on underwear and went swimming. When she came in the house Doris tells her "you're not going to be happy till someone rapes your ass", now you tell me...Is that an appropriate comment to make to a 12 year old?

What pissed me off more, was when I asked to speak to Ella, I could clearly hear Ella tell Jess, "I don't want to get involved" and she wouldn't take the phone. How do you not get involved in something that you clearly see as wrong (Jess claims Ella said she thought Doris was wrong for saying it)? This pissed me off to no end, and because I'm about 500 miles away there wasn't much I can do.

Until they get back.

I've decided since Jess's grandmother, and her Aunt Ella act like they are too chickenshit to say anything to Doris...Like they are scared of her. I'm going to have to take the initiative and say something to her. I personally think she's been treating Jess and her stepsister like crap since their father passed away. *sigh

alzheimers, here I come

2004-08-20T14:10:00.000-04:00

I find I can't remember words...that makes me sooooo mad. Names, I could care less, I can always fake my way through not remembering your name, thats a talent I developed after being in the music business for so many years and perfecting remembering you when I really don't. It's pretty harmless, cause about 5 min into the conversations, I'm in my head going, "ohhh, thaaaat's where I met you!"

However, knee deep in a conversation and you want to make a valid point, only you can't remember the specific name of the thing having to do with your point....you're screwed. Well, at least your credibility is, people (ok, my boyfriend, Joe) are looking at you like "I KNEW you didnt know what the hell you were talking about". And since he always has to be right, this gives him ammunition...which only succeeds in pissing me off further. lol.

When you think you're really losing it just keep in mind that there are many more people in much much worse situations than you are. Some of them very close to you. If you can't think of anyone in a more screwed up situation than you, drop me a note and I'll give you a couple of examples. :)

2004-08-18T22:55:00.000-04:00

So, im updating my profile, im adding blog entries, and it still says i only have 4 posts and its not showing my updated profile. Slow web response or are they doing this to personally annoy me? Something to think about.

Then again...i AM a conspiracy theorist. The aliens that run this site are probably in cahoots with Bush and Britney Spears to read my thoughts before I write them. I'll be back..going to get my aluminum foil cap, the only way to prevent them from harvesting my brain cells.

grey hair

2004-08-18T22:10:00.000-04:00

I personally like my grey hair...it looks interesting and it always amazes me that i have SO much of it at my age (30's). However, I've asked Joe if he minds my grey hair and he says no, but a friend of mine's mother once said "he'll tell you he dont mind the grey hair, and then he'll be looking at the girls with no grey hair." That kind of stuck in my head, so no matter how much he says he doesnt mind it, it makes me feel self conscious.

So anyway...i'm sitting here with a head full of brown dye, itching and burning. :) yippee.

and how is it that I stopped smoking over 3 years ago and all i could think about today was smoking a cig? whats up with that?

writing

2004-08-18T14:44:00.000-04:00

so, i finally took the first chapter, (which I had written in a notebook) and typed it into the computer. Now i'm under pressure to write more. I always wondered, do writers know the whole story in their head before they start writng, or do they make it up as they go along? Maybe its different for different people or a mixture of both? I know what I want the story to be about, but I just could not start writing until I figured out how the story would end. Now that I've (finally) figured it out, I have to figure out all the stuff that's going in between.

The funny thing is once I start writing I go into this little world, and I dont hear or think of anything else. The problem is, as i'm writing, joe(my bf) keeps talking to me and asking me shit and its driving me nuts.

2004-08-17T22:45:00.000-04:00

You are most like Carrie!

You're quirky, flirty, and every guy's perfect first date.
But can the guy in question live up to your romantic ideal?
It's tough for you to find the right match - you're more than a little picky.
Never fear... You've got a great group of friends and a great closet of clothes, no matter what!

Romantic prediction: You'll fall for someone this year...
Totally different from any guy you've dated.

Which Sex and the City Vixen Are You Most Like? Take This Quiz Right Now!

Find the Love of Your Life (and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

............................................

I always felt a kinship with Carrie. Maybe because she was really all three of the other girls rolled into one. She had the sex-iness, the somewhat cynical side, the brainy side, the mushy marriage-eager side....but they were all wrapped up in the convoluted space that was Carrie. Thats me. :)