ticked off
When jessica was down south with her aunts, I was told that Jessica went in the pool in her underwear and her aunt told her she "wasn't going to be happy until someone raped her ass". First off, there are NO men around at all. Second, they are in a rural area, with no houses anywhere near them. This is not to say that she should have gone outside in her underwear at ALL, please, she knows better and she was WRONG. But there is a way to talk to children without demeaning them.
Well, to make a long story short, I called her aunt and tried to address how she talks to Jessica. I was VERY polite and did not want to come off confrontational. I spoke in even tones and explained that i wanted to talk about Jessica's feelings. (thats whats really important here) and she asked me "did jessica tell you she lies?".
Now that had nothing to do with what we were talking about, but I heard her out while she told me how Jessica said that I didnt send any long pants with her, only shorts. Which wasn't true. (FYI: Jess claims she didnt lie, but that the long pants were in another bag. ) WHATever. It really had nothing to do with the topic at hand, but I let her vent.
Afterwards I told her (still politely) that what I called to address was what Jessica percieved as her attitude towards (her) jessica and how Jessica felt about it. Well she got all in a huff and told me she was fifty something years old, that she was old enough to be my mother, and Jessica's grandmother. I cut her off and told her she was NOT my mother OR Jess's grandmother. She said she was trying "Train" those kids, I told her I don't need anyone to "train my kid" that I was the only one who "trained" my kid and she didnt need to be bothered with Jess, and she said do it then (train her) and she didnt want jess around her anymore. I just said fine and hung up the phone.
I wrote the following and emailed it to half her father's side of the family. Was it too much?
####################
First of all I would like to say that I don't have Doris's (her aunt) email address so I cannot email her directly. However, what I wanted to say, I felt I needed to say to as many family members as possible so that things don't get misconstrued as they are passed along.
Jessica has mentioned to me over the past few years since her father died that she felt that certain family members (on her father's side) hated her. Now, I felt she was overreacting by using such a strong word, and I also know that sometimes children perceive things differently than it may have been intended. But Jessica told me some things that some of the adults have said to her, and I was told things by other people which I did not agree with.
However, some things are what they are, and when someone tells kids "the only reason they even bother with you is because you're family" (I wont even get into WHO said that, many other people were there when it was said.), that's very blatant and hurtful, especially towards children. Jessica has also complained repeatedly that her Aunt Doris speaks very harshly towards her and says nasty things to her. I cannot say if these things are true, because I am not there when they are said, but when I said something to other family members they agree that things were said, and they also agree that those things were messed up, however it seems no one is willing to do anything to address or stop it.
The issue that bought this whole thing up was that Jessica wore her underwear in the pool when she was down south, and she also wore them riding a bike up the road. Doris told her "she wasn't going to be happy until someone raped her ass." Jessica knows she should not have worn her underwear outside, period. However she tells me that the last time they were down there, Brianna (her 7 year old cousing and Doris's granddaughter) did it, AND brianna was in the pool with her underwear on when Willie was in the pool. I told Jessica that I could give two flying ____'s what Brianna or anyone else does, she knows better than to go outside in her underwear.
HOWEVER, because a child does something you don't like, does that mean you can say ANYTHING to them? If a child breaks the rules you punish them. You can yell, you can reprimand, but you talk to them like they are human, not like they are animals or like you are disgusted by them. Jessica is not the ONLY one who has said that Doris spoke to her overly harsh. However it seems that Jessica is the only one willing to speak about it.
I have no problem with Jessica being reprimanded by other adults in her family, if that was the case she wouldn't be around them. I do NOT think that Jessica is a perfect child that never does anything wrong, I have never said or believed that. She is a child and is subject to doing all of the things that many children do. I do not encourage her to lie, she knows the repercussions for lying and consequently, I do not have much of a problem with Jessica lying, the few times she has lied to me she has been severely punished.
I tried today, very politely, to have a civilized conversation with Doris about the way she speaks to Jessica, and her initial response was to ask me if Jessica told me she(jessica) lies, and them proceeded to tell me that Jessica lied about not having pants when she did.
I explained to her that one thing didn't have anything to do with the other, and she told me she was fifty something years old, old enough to be my mother and no one was going to tell her how to train kids. As if I have no right to ask her anything or she's in the business of training my child.
1. I don't need anyone to train my child. If anyone thinks I'm not doing such a hot job, this is the first time I am hearing about it, and anyone who thinks that Jessica isn't trained enough to be around them...can speak to me about it or NOT have her around them. It's very simple. In the past if Mary (Jessicas stepmother) or anyone else told me something that Jess did, I punished her.
2. My own mother doesn't tell me what to do anymore. I am just as grown as another adult. Being old(er) is not an excuse to be able to talk to people any old kind of way. And if everyone else is too scared to say something....I'm not. If Jessica's father was alive half this bullshit wouldn't even be happening.
3. When Jessica goes to her grandmothers house, she goes because her and her grandmother agreed for her to come, NOT because I ask for her to go there. I don't need a baby-sitter for Jessica, as far as I'm concerned she never has to go over anyone's house.
4. I was told that now Doris wont have anything to do with Jessica. Jessica is a CHILD. If a CHILD does something wrong, we act appropriately as you would towards a child. There is NEVER an excuse to treat a child like shit. NEVER. no matter if they lie, don't listen or anything else. Punish them, yes. Verbally abuse them or treat them like crap, no. There's a way to teach (or train) children, and it should always be done out of love.
Last but not least, If ANYONE does not want Jessica around them, speak now. I didn't realize my child was such a terror that "no one wants her around" as I've been told. I was never under the impression that anyone was taking care of Jessica besides her grandmother anyway, because I never asked anyone else to take care of her.
If as an adult, Doris wants to block her niece out of her life, that's her call. Jessica will be hurt, but she won't be any more hurt than she already has been. Has anyone bothered to think that maybe kids act out because of the DEATH OF THEIR FATHER? Is it possible to try and talk TO kids instead of AT them and ABOUT them? Do you think Jess and Keke don't hear the nasty things that have been said about them and their MOTHERS?
No matter how many problems my sister and I go thru, there is never an excuse for her to treat my daughter like crap, or for me to treat my nephews bad. I won't accept that from my own flesh and blood, I definitely wont accept it from anyone else.
I came across very politely when I called Doris. I felt that as two adults we could have a decent conversation about how jessica was feeling. If Doris (or anyone else for that matter) feels like I should not have said anything, that's too bad. If I think there is a problem with my child I'm going to speak on it. I tried to talk to Doris and instead of talking about it she wanted to get indignant that I should question HER, like she is beyond questioning, which is a load of crap. There is a problem here, and I am not the only person to think so. If everyone else is too chicken to say anything, that is not my problem either.
As far as I'm concerned Jessica never has to step foot in Maplewood again, but then I would be acting childish. I wouldn't want to seperate her from her father's family, as it was his wish that she stay close to them....particularly her sister. However, I do not feel that he would agree with anyone mistreating his children or subjecting them to verbal abuse, which is exactly what this amounts to....what is being said TO them and what is being said ABOUT them in their presence. If you think they are sub standard, "terrors", "bad-ass kids", with "no home training", dont have "the sense god gave them", or any one of the colorful things that have been said about them, you need to speak to their PARENT, because they are CHILDREN. And if you think the parent isnt doing a good job, you STILL need to speak to the PARENT.
Again I say, i would like for jessica to be close to her father's side of the family, but if that's not going to happen so be it. Life goes on.
###################
I wondered if I went to far, or said something I shouldn't have out of anger, but on the other hand I feel like if I dont speak up for my own child then who will? I also felt it was necessary to email not just the aunt, but other people who I knew had been present at the time when these nasty things were said, and one of the adults I emails (an aunt) was the one who said the nasty thing I quoted near the beginning of the letter. Joe said maybe I shouldnt have sent to everyone, but when I explained to him that I needed to make sure everyone knew how I felt about it, he agreed.
Well, to make a long story short, I called her aunt and tried to address how she talks to Jessica. I was VERY polite and did not want to come off confrontational. I spoke in even tones and explained that i wanted to talk about Jessica's feelings. (thats whats really important here) and she asked me "did jessica tell you she lies?".
Now that had nothing to do with what we were talking about, but I heard her out while she told me how Jessica said that I didnt send any long pants with her, only shorts. Which wasn't true. (FYI: Jess claims she didnt lie, but that the long pants were in another bag. ) WHATever. It really had nothing to do with the topic at hand, but I let her vent.
Afterwards I told her (still politely) that what I called to address was what Jessica percieved as her attitude towards (her) jessica and how Jessica felt about it. Well she got all in a huff and told me she was fifty something years old, that she was old enough to be my mother, and Jessica's grandmother. I cut her off and told her she was NOT my mother OR Jess's grandmother. She said she was trying "Train" those kids, I told her I don't need anyone to "train my kid" that I was the only one who "trained" my kid and she didnt need to be bothered with Jess, and she said do it then (train her) and she didnt want jess around her anymore. I just said fine and hung up the phone.
I wrote the following and emailed it to half her father's side of the family. Was it too much?
####################
First of all I would like to say that I don't have Doris's (her aunt) email address so I cannot email her directly. However, what I wanted to say, I felt I needed to say to as many family members as possible so that things don't get misconstrued as they are passed along.
Jessica has mentioned to me over the past few years since her father died that she felt that certain family members (on her father's side) hated her. Now, I felt she was overreacting by using such a strong word, and I also know that sometimes children perceive things differently than it may have been intended. But Jessica told me some things that some of the adults have said to her, and I was told things by other people which I did not agree with.
However, some things are what they are, and when someone tells kids "the only reason they even bother with you is because you're family" (I wont even get into WHO said that, many other people were there when it was said.), that's very blatant and hurtful, especially towards children. Jessica has also complained repeatedly that her Aunt Doris speaks very harshly towards her and says nasty things to her. I cannot say if these things are true, because I am not there when they are said, but when I said something to other family members they agree that things were said, and they also agree that those things were messed up, however it seems no one is willing to do anything to address or stop it.
The issue that bought this whole thing up was that Jessica wore her underwear in the pool when she was down south, and she also wore them riding a bike up the road. Doris told her "she wasn't going to be happy until someone raped her ass." Jessica knows she should not have worn her underwear outside, period. However she tells me that the last time they were down there, Brianna (her 7 year old cousing and Doris's granddaughter) did it, AND brianna was in the pool with her underwear on when Willie was in the pool. I told Jessica that I could give two flying ____'s what Brianna or anyone else does, she knows better than to go outside in her underwear.
HOWEVER, because a child does something you don't like, does that mean you can say ANYTHING to them? If a child breaks the rules you punish them. You can yell, you can reprimand, but you talk to them like they are human, not like they are animals or like you are disgusted by them. Jessica is not the ONLY one who has said that Doris spoke to her overly harsh. However it seems that Jessica is the only one willing to speak about it.
I have no problem with Jessica being reprimanded by other adults in her family, if that was the case she wouldn't be around them. I do NOT think that Jessica is a perfect child that never does anything wrong, I have never said or believed that. She is a child and is subject to doing all of the things that many children do. I do not encourage her to lie, she knows the repercussions for lying and consequently, I do not have much of a problem with Jessica lying, the few times she has lied to me she has been severely punished.
I tried today, very politely, to have a civilized conversation with Doris about the way she speaks to Jessica, and her initial response was to ask me if Jessica told me she(jessica) lies, and them proceeded to tell me that Jessica lied about not having pants when she did.
I explained to her that one thing didn't have anything to do with the other, and she told me she was fifty something years old, old enough to be my mother and no one was going to tell her how to train kids. As if I have no right to ask her anything or she's in the business of training my child.
1. I don't need anyone to train my child. If anyone thinks I'm not doing such a hot job, this is the first time I am hearing about it, and anyone who thinks that Jessica isn't trained enough to be around them...can speak to me about it or NOT have her around them. It's very simple. In the past if Mary (Jessicas stepmother) or anyone else told me something that Jess did, I punished her.
2. My own mother doesn't tell me what to do anymore. I am just as grown as another adult. Being old(er) is not an excuse to be able to talk to people any old kind of way. And if everyone else is too scared to say something....I'm not. If Jessica's father was alive half this bullshit wouldn't even be happening.
3. When Jessica goes to her grandmothers house, she goes because her and her grandmother agreed for her to come, NOT because I ask for her to go there. I don't need a baby-sitter for Jessica, as far as I'm concerned she never has to go over anyone's house.
4. I was told that now Doris wont have anything to do with Jessica. Jessica is a CHILD. If a CHILD does something wrong, we act appropriately as you would towards a child. There is NEVER an excuse to treat a child like shit. NEVER. no matter if they lie, don't listen or anything else. Punish them, yes. Verbally abuse them or treat them like crap, no. There's a way to teach (or train) children, and it should always be done out of love.
Last but not least, If ANYONE does not want Jessica around them, speak now. I didn't realize my child was such a terror that "no one wants her around" as I've been told. I was never under the impression that anyone was taking care of Jessica besides her grandmother anyway, because I never asked anyone else to take care of her.
If as an adult, Doris wants to block her niece out of her life, that's her call. Jessica will be hurt, but she won't be any more hurt than she already has been. Has anyone bothered to think that maybe kids act out because of the DEATH OF THEIR FATHER? Is it possible to try and talk TO kids instead of AT them and ABOUT them? Do you think Jess and Keke don't hear the nasty things that have been said about them and their MOTHERS?
No matter how many problems my sister and I go thru, there is never an excuse for her to treat my daughter like crap, or for me to treat my nephews bad. I won't accept that from my own flesh and blood, I definitely wont accept it from anyone else.
I came across very politely when I called Doris. I felt that as two adults we could have a decent conversation about how jessica was feeling. If Doris (or anyone else for that matter) feels like I should not have said anything, that's too bad. If I think there is a problem with my child I'm going to speak on it. I tried to talk to Doris and instead of talking about it she wanted to get indignant that I should question HER, like she is beyond questioning, which is a load of crap. There is a problem here, and I am not the only person to think so. If everyone else is too chicken to say anything, that is not my problem either.
As far as I'm concerned Jessica never has to step foot in Maplewood again, but then I would be acting childish. I wouldn't want to seperate her from her father's family, as it was his wish that she stay close to them....particularly her sister. However, I do not feel that he would agree with anyone mistreating his children or subjecting them to verbal abuse, which is exactly what this amounts to....what is being said TO them and what is being said ABOUT them in their presence. If you think they are sub standard, "terrors", "bad-ass kids", with "no home training", dont have "the sense god gave them", or any one of the colorful things that have been said about them, you need to speak to their PARENT, because they are CHILDREN. And if you think the parent isnt doing a good job, you STILL need to speak to the PARENT.
Again I say, i would like for jessica to be close to her father's side of the family, but if that's not going to happen so be it. Life goes on.
###################
I wondered if I went to far, or said something I shouldn't have out of anger, but on the other hand I feel like if I dont speak up for my own child then who will? I also felt it was necessary to email not just the aunt, but other people who I knew had been present at the time when these nasty things were said, and one of the adults I emails (an aunt) was the one who said the nasty thing I quoted near the beginning of the letter. Joe said maybe I shouldnt have sent to everyone, but when I explained to him that I needed to make sure everyone knew how I felt about it, he agreed.
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