Child on Child Sexual Abuse
Dr Deb wrote a great post "What Parents Need to Know About Child Sexual Abuse". It gives info that most of us hear a lot about, but also has a lot of info that you may not know. So head over there and read that, if you get a chance.
One of the things that I felt was lacking in the article, and which may need an article all to itself is Child on Child Sexual Abuse. As parents, we spend a lot of time worrying about that "stranger" our child may come in contact with, or warily eyeballing the little league coach, boy scout leader, male librarian, school security guard, odd neighbor, etc, ever since we were told that much sexual abuse is committed by someone the child knows.
By the time my daughter was 5 or 6, she had never spent the night out of my home, she was never left during the day with anyone, whether I knew them or not, I just wasn't in the habit of leaving her with people. I was asked to go out with a group of friends one weekend, and my close friend, (that I had known since we were kids) said that she would watch my daughter for the night. She had two girls about 8 and 10 at the time and a little boy about 3 or 4. Although I don't believe the fact that my friend was married to a woman had anything to do with what happened, many people have disagreed. Maybe they're right, I'm not sure. The fact is, the 10 year old molested my daughter that night, she didn't penetrate her, but she touched her, and a few days later, my daughter told me. I was horrified. Absolutely horrified.
When she explained what happened she told me that it was her fault. I talked to her, I told her it wasn't her fault, that the girl shouldn't have touched her, and all the things we tell someone after the fact.
Inside I was screaming; "how could i have let this happen?", "what was so important about going out?", "I should have known better". Years later I understand that as a single mother, it is important that you get out of the house, even if just for a sense of perspective, or to be around other adults. I also recognize the need to have someone you can trust to keep your child/children, and how difficult that can be.
We talked about it that day, and a few times after that, and after a while she didn't seem to want to talk about it anymore, so I let it go. A few months ago, I wrote an entry about her coming home one day after school and our conversation when she asked me if she might be gay, because there was a girl in school she had a crush on. Long story short, midway through the convo she referenced the girl who had touched her those many years ago. I was shocked. I didn't think she even remembered it, no less that she would place it smack dab in the middle of a convo about sexual identity, I really was floored.
When I told her I was suprised that she remembered that, she said "Oh yeah, I always remembered it, it's bothered me for a long time". (Again with the shock.) I'm like "why didn't you talk to me about it, we talk about everything" she said something to the effect of it wasn't a constant thing on her mind but she did think about it sometimes. So again, I told her it wasn't her fault, we talked about it for a while, I made sure she was clear on what happened, the situation, etc and especially, again and again I made sure she was clear that she did nothing to make this happen to her.
So.....A friend of mine has a son, good kid, he's 9....doesn't get in trouble, comes from a good home. His mom has a friend who has a son the same age, they've been friends a few years and their sons have participated in a lot of activities together. Not to go into deatial here, but that boy molested her son one night during a sleepover, and she busted him. It was a bad scene and she won't deal with that person anymore, but it makes you wonder what kind of damage has already been done?
Ask yourself how many times your child has sleepovers?
where do the childen sleep?
It's obviously not enought to seperate the sexes as these two incidences show, they were same-sex molestings.
Are we to assume that any child that molests another child, has been molested themselves?
Or do we chalk it up to child curiosity?
If we chalk it up to child curiosity, are we saying that one child cannot molest another?
should we assume that these incidences happen only at night? or could they happen at the beach, pool, park, bathrooms, clubhouses, basements, closets, playground?
I don't have all the answers. I just saying that it's something that needs to be looked at, and we need to be aware of the other children they are around. We need to be aware of their sleeping arrangements, what games they are playing, and as much of the background of the other child as is possible.
Do I sound paranoid? Maybe. But you wouldn't let a stranger sleep over in your kids room, but we let kids they know JUST from school sleep over?
Myself, I don't let Jess sleep over other peoples house (except her grandmother and her aunt...that's it) and I monitor the kids that come to my house as well as keep an eye on them when they're in her room for hours on end. I actually think being a little paranoid is better than thinking it couldn't happen to your child, because once the child is molested or raped, their's no going back, you cannot earase, undo or turn back time, and the long term affects it may have on your child are still unknown.
What do you think?
i think youve written this really well, as a parent who suspects her children may have been abused by an adult, this is another thing about subjects people wont talk about. Im sorry for you and your daughters pain and im equally sorry thats its tainted the ability for normal things like sleepovers. Its damn well not fair. Just sitting with you on this one.
Hope you dont mind me coming to see your blog i saw your post to dr.deb.
Thanks for being brave enough to write about this subject.
Posted by
jumpinginpuddles |
12:26 AM EST
jumping, my initial thing about sleepovers was I think because I was never allowed them. Not sure why my mother didnt allow them, I'd have to ask.
I do remember sleeping over a girlfriends house when i was about 14 or 15, and as I slep on the couch I woke up in the middle of the night with her fathers breath in my face, talking some nonsense to me. I started getting loud and he went back upstairs, but it stuck with me. Anytime I think of letting her sleep over some kid from schools house I flashback to that. Funny I just remembered that as I wrote this.
You are most welcome, anytime. :)
Posted by
chase |
12:56 AM EST
This is a circumstance that COULD NOT have *ever* been predicted. You you cannot blame yourself. I know you are agnry and even grieving over what has happened. However, you should be relieved that your smart, wise daughter came to you. And came to you fast! Many victims never tell. Or they tell years later or decades later. This is a testimony to WHO YOU ARE and WHAT YOU HAVE GIVEN YOUR DAUGHTER as a parent.
I have some other thoughts. This other child needs to be in therapy and the parent needs to take this transgression very seriously.
It is perfectly normal and expected that you would not want your daughter out of your sight!
In this day and age, being watchful is so important. I don't think you are being paranoid. I think you are being human and real.
Posted by
Dr. Deb |
8:07 AM EST
Thanks you Dr Deb for your input, yes, I do realize now that it wasn't my fault. No one could ever predict a child being the "stranger" you should look out for. In the case of my daughter, the mother beat the child for what she did, I tried to talk them into couseling, but I don't think they ever did it.
In the case of the child who molested my friends son, the mother is in denial and will not seek help for her son, she barely believes its true and what she does believe she brushes off as "boys will be boys"
Posted by
chase |
11:46 AM EST
I'm really sorry...sometimes its the home life that makes a child a little more sex-curious then they should be.
That's really awful, and shouldn't happen and I have NO advice for that. Honestly.
Sorry.
With love
JV
Posted by
Mr. Death |
12:16 PM EST
Wow. I'm really sorry that happened to your daughter, Chase--and to you, because I know how fundamental our sense of being able to protect our kids is to everything.
I do the same things you do: Maisie has been on precisely one sleepover, and I wasn't happy about the parental control--no abuse, just no oversight, which meant that her wellbeing was a coincidence, not a plan--and I'm not inclined to let her attend one again, unless it's right here, under my nose. My kids have never been left with a babysitter--only with their grandmother or an aunt. I struggle with balance: on the one hand, you can smother them to death with caution. On the other, we know the alarming incidence of this kind of abuse, and we know how central abuse experiences are to the development of identity, of power, of wellness.
Heavy sigh. In solidarity.
Inger
Posted by
I n g e r |
9:27 AM EST
J, you're exactly right, its the things that happen in the home that causes the child to act out/molest another child. Whether it's what they see or are exposed to, or what is done to them by other children or adults. The question I think I'm trying to answer is when does it cross the line from child curiosity into sexual abuse?
Posted by
chase |
1:07 PM EST
Inger, my thoughts exactly....if you put them in a compromising situation, it's only luck when they make it thru ok. I'm not willing to gamble on my childs well being. Balance can be a struggle, but there's nothing wrong with being knowladable about where they are going, who they are with and where they are at, at any given time. Once someone has been raped or molested, there is NO taking that back. There's no magic eraser for that, you just have to try and clean up the damage. I've started letting her go to parties, but I go there, meet the parents, get a look at the house....and if she wants an overnight stay, it has to be at our house.
Posted by
chase |
1:44 PM EST
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Posted by
starbender |
2:25 AM EST
Raz,
I'm thinking it's our cultural differences that makes you phrase things a certain way, such as "Being abused young I believe gives an ability to defend it happening again". All I can say to that is wow.
Yes, I had "experimentation" when i was younger. I remember my cousins and my sister and I kissing in the basement, among other things. I guess that was the point of this entry, to stir some conversation on what is considered "childhood curiosity" and what is considered "abuse".
Dont get me wrong, i am not keeping her under wraps...she goes out to the skating rink every friday nite. She goes to somones birthday party almost every weekend. Of course I dont want to smother her so that she rebels in her teenage years, but there has to be some protection too.
Posted by
chase |
3:37 AM EST
sy, I would agree that it's damn near impossible to know what motivates someone...you can never know whats in the heart o another person, which is why I think we are so shocked and suprised when we find out that dear Mr. Jones next door, killed 5 people, or sweet Mrs. Brown poisoned her kids and husband.
What I am sure about is that childhood molestation by an adult almost always leads to a life filled with uncertainty, which translates into so much other crap, drinking, drugs, promisquity (sp), violence, abusive relationships, low self esteem, ect.
Posted by
chase |
3:42 PM EST
Hi Chase, thanks for stopping by my blog.
Yes, this CSA is a tough one; i spent a great deal of time and energy "vetting" my childs baby-sitters, as well as places where she would spend sleepovers. I have to say that i was a bit over-protective of her, but i would do the same thing all over again, but still, no matter how hard you try things might happend anyway. When my daughter was about 6 or 7 my friend's daughter "acted out" with my daughter. I found out because my daughter wet the bed one night, and also was not behaving in her usual way, my flags and whistles started up so i gently probed and she told me that the girl had told her to go into the cupboard and then touched her. Then she told the other girl present to touch. My daughter was really angry and upset, so it was obviously not a case of voluntary "experimentation". It was really extremely difficult to approach my friend and tell her what happened, but i was glad i did, because it forced my friend to take her child for counselling, where it was confirmed that she had being molested by the 15 year old male baby sitter.
i very much enjoy your postings etc. Chase. nice to see the exchange of ideas and opinions.
later,
pj
Posted by
dragonflyfilly |
3:45 PM EST
PJ, thank you, you pretty much made me come full circle and get to the point of what I was looking for.
I think it may be safe to say that if there is mutual childhood curiosity, it can happen without emotional damage.
However if another child does it without the other childs interest or consent (basically forcing or coercing) then there's an issue that needs to be addressed, and it may also be safe to say that the child doing the coercing or forcing, may have unresolved abuse issues.
I'm glad you noticed your daughters changes, and talked to her about it. That is what I would encourage the most, just being aware of the normal and not normal things your child would or wouldn't do.
I'm also glad to see that your friend decided to seek help for her daughter, because that may be the only way she can have a normal life.
Posted by
chase |
3:47 PM EST
Thanks for stopping by and commenting... I'm really sorry to hear about what happened to your daughter - and I have to say, you are not paranoid at all. I think about it all the time. I just started leaving my daughter at the gym nursery (about 5 steps from my treadmill) and I worry about stuff like that - even from 4 and 5 year olds...
I truly believe that we are in the midst of a parenting epidemic - kids are not being parented - and therefore WE have to be extra careful!!!
Posted by
Anonymous |
5:59 PM EST
It's hard to say when it crosses the line...whether the childs innocent in their curiousity or is it dilerbate?
Always know the kid who comes over...and I'm sure you've raised Jess well enough that she will be able to completely come to terms with it. You did as best as you could, which is all anyone can ask. It's honestly the hardest thing a parent can go through, and you did very well.
Love
JV
Posted by
Mr. Death |
7:59 PM EST
I'm finding it very hard to grasp the words to explain this, so please forgive me if this doesn't make sense, I'm not the best at expressing myself .. especially when I'm upset.
It's my understanding that you've seen my blog. But did you read what I posted about my Mum? I've been through a lot in my life, and while I was never molested as a child, I was abused, and at 19 I was raped. You say that you don't have all the answers, but I believe you have the most important one. Love. It is the unconditional love and support my Mum showed me that has given me the strength to let the fear pass over me. Yes, I have nightmares, flashbacks, and unrationable fears. But I can tell you without a doubt in my mind that if it wasn't for my Mum I wouldn't be who I am today, and I greatly doubt I'd be above ground either. Yes, my father was abused as a child, and he went on to abuse me. But you need to know that the cycle doesn't continue, and the reason it doesn't is because of my Mum. Simply by loving your daughter and showing her that compassion and support that you are doing is EXACTALLY what heals. Don't ever underestimate your ability to heal through that love. I know the statistics on rape and abuse, and while I don't like it or want to accept it, I realise my daughter will most probably be abused. I live with the hope that by loving my daughter and showing her the same support my Mum showed me that I can pass on the same inner strength that my Mum passed to me. The same strength I'm sure you've passed to your daughter.
I hope I'm not too off with this, I just thought you should know that what you're doing, that compassion and support, is what my Mum gave me that helped me through many a hard time and healed many a wound.
Posted by
Anonymous |
10:21 PM EST
k, we are def in a parenting epidemic, people are having children at much younger ages, at periods where they are barely out of childhood themselves, which is why I say watch your child and what they do.
JV and Syz, I think I may have given the impression that I'm crazy with worry about jessica right now, but I'm not. I think that she's dealing with what she went thru very well (aside from the point where she thought she was lesbian, which I atrribute to what happened) but after I explained to her she could be whatever she wanted to be I would still love her, she seemed ok. So I'm not overcome with worry, I'm just watchful.
Krome, Im sorry what you went thru happened....and I so want to believe that love conquers all, but sometimes it doesn't. Many loving mothers have seen their kids crash and burn, so you have to do more than love your kid, you have to protect them, talk to them, teach them, test them....and like you said, have compassion for them, empathize with them, support them.
hank you all for such great comments and conversation. :)
Posted by
chase |
12:32 AM EST
Shocking bit of information isn't it! Wee always hear about child abuse, the form when adults molest children. But not much is said about this other kind, which is also very common in our society today.
Thanks for droppin by my blog. My apologies, I totally lost contact with your's. I have added a link to your site.
Posted by
Unknown |
1:18 PM EST
I understand, I was just making sure you were alright, fairly...As an abused child, I know that the torture a parent goes through is of a different, painful fear etc....Though children molesting children is different then adult molesting children, its still a concern of mine.
Cheers and Love
JV
Posted by
Mr. Death |
6:08 PM EST
I was not surprised to read that your daughter had not forgotten the incident with the girl in her earlier years. One never forgets the abuse. I think that your attitude towards your daughter and the way you communicate with her has been a positive influence. You are a good Mom Chase.
Coquito
Posted by
Anonymous |
11:33 PM EST
You are very on target--during my stint working pediatric psych, nearly 40% of our kids had perpetrated some form of abuse on their peers. Once a child's bounderies are violated, it raises the possibilty that they will act out and try to claim the same "power" their abuser had over them.
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