Strange Days

finished a new painting this past weekend. Now i want to start working on a faux stained glass window. I found an old window its about 3 feet tall and 2 feet wide, may have been an old basement window, and I want to make it look like a stained glass window using acrylics, I've seen some really remarkable ones...not saying mine will be, but I can try :::smile:::

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I spoke to an ex of mine last week, just chit chat, two or three inconsequential emails about idle news shit, but it made me think abot him, and how things ended between us. I regret few decisions I've made about relationships, but that relationship was one of them. I can't really say regret, I just wish I hadn't of been so hasty, and that I had let things go further before I made any decisions. We had only been together for a short period of time, when due to his clingy-ness and possessiveness I told him I needed a time out, and he made it permanant. I ask myself now

why do I feel I regret this decision?

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Now that i think of it, the only other relationship decision I regret, was breaking up with a bf W I'd been with for over 5 yrs, for the exact same reasons. I mean it was much more intricate and involved with W, but it still boiled down to the same reasoning....he became very clingy, and very very possessive. He read my diary yep, he waited till I wasn't home and searched for it, and I walked in and he was sitting on the couch with my diary and a bottle of tequila. I was pissed off to the utmost of pisstivity. He didn't even care, he went on about something I wrote about another guy (it wasn't major, I think I was saying I thought he was attractive, sweet...) but the point of a diary is you can say what you want or what you think regardless if you act on it or not. I did not plan on cheating on him, but that was the straw that broke the camels back. When i told him it was over he lost it, he followed me around for weeks, I would be in a club and turn around and he would be in a corner watching me, i would come home and he'd be parked across the street from my building looking up at my window, he would call, my room-mate would tell him to hold on, I'd pick up the phone an hour or two later wondering why it was off the hook and he'd still be on the phone, holding. I came out my apartment one morning to find him sleeping in the stairwell, I cursed him out good for that one. Finally he told me he wanted to be with me no matter what, even if I wanted to be with other people he didn't care, even if I slept with other people, it didn't matter. This only served to make me feel sorry for him...and not in that "oh my god i feel so sorry i want to get back with you" way, but in the "oh my god i cant believe you're acting like such a loser" kind of way.

I always though afterwards that I may have made a mistake on that one, that I really "did him wrong", that he really loved me and maybe I would never find somone who loved me as much as he did. But now....i mean just now as I'm writing this, I think I'm realising that maybe, just maybe it was something a little different than love...something that could have really hurt me in the long run. just maybe.

he doesnt speak to me anymore. about 3 mos later he got married, and about a year after that he seperated and we fooled around for a few mos, but even then I couldnt put my heart into it and he knew it, we stopped seeing each other, he got back with his wife and now he wont speak to me. I ran into him at the park once where we were giving a concert, he was with his wife and they'd had a child. If looks could kill, when he introduced me to his wife, her face went from genial to stone so fast I almost flinched. She said "oh, you're Chase" like she was spitting out the words and they left a bad taste. I just said, "yep", smiled, and kept it moving. coincidently, I saw him on the train about a week later and when i said hello he told me that he couldnt speak to me becuase his wife wouldn't allow it. I said "allow?" and he just looked away. I sucked my teeth, pulled a book out of my bag and ignored him for the rest of the trip. we never spoke again. 5 yrs was a long time to be in a relationship, and I do regret dearly, losing him as a friend.

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back to my other ex and the emails....why do I feel I regret it...I guess I really don't. Not anymore. he was a good, guy...so was W, but it wasn't meant to be. Even if we had of stayed together, it probably wouldn't have worked out. Possessiveness and clingy-ness are two things that will run me off in a NY minute. I need someone who knows who they are and what they stand for. Someone who trusts me...yeah, a streak of jealousy can be exciting once in a while, but if it comes off as sincere worry about my faithfulness, then there's a problem. I know they both loved me in their own ways...but a big part of love is trust and the ability to allow a certain amount of freedom. Trust.....that's the key.