Strange Days

Time to have some fun guys and gals (although mainly at my expense, lol) I am taking a challange and will answer any questions put to me (within reason) over the next week or so. I will post the answers in my blog as they come in. So, if there's anything u want to know about the chase'ter, here's your chance. Multiple questions are fine. go for it. :::smile::: P.s. Don't forget to take the Dr. Phil Test below!

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How has your view of love changed since you were 15? (from Poorart)

hmm...when I was 15, I was dealing with an abusive step-father and an apathetic mother. My life was in such a turmoil, it's hard for me to remember what I was thinking about boys at the time because I was mostly concerned with saving myself. I ran away from home about 9 times before I finally left for good at about 15/16. Literally lived on the streets for about a year, depending on the kindness of strangers (not a good position to be in when it came to men) and then went into a home for runaway girls (after getting caught by the cops when my mother filed a missing persons report) and when given the option to go home or to the shelter, I chose the shelter.

To get to the point of your question, starting at about 15 I saw men as either a way to escape or just someone to treat me nice. That's all I wanted.....nice. Well, at least now I know better, just being nice doesn't cut it. Now I need compassion, friendship, trust...a partnership. Nice is good too, lol.

I guess I grew up huh?

Questions from Humanity

1. If you had a free shot, which actress would you want to punch in the face?

erm....I'm not a violent person (normally) and after much thought, it was a toss up between Lara Flynn Boyle, who shows women that anorexia gets rewarded. I saw her on a cover of Star or some other rag, looking like a walking skeleton on the beach, you could see every bone in her body, she looked inhuman. I literally thought she would die very soon. But NOooo....she was put on the next season of Las Vegas. Which I no longer watch in protest of her, lol.

My other (and stronger) choice would have to be Ms. Star I know my man is gay but I dont care cause I need a man so bad I'm gonna marry him anyway, and if in 5 years he decides to come out the closet, I'll just write a book about it Jones. Every time I watch the view I am disgusted at how she tries to fawn and front like she doesnt have a black bone in her body, and if she decides to act like she does, it has to turn into some clownish or stereotypical blackness. *sigh* let me stop, i want to punch her in the face right now....

2. What famous person would you proudly leave your lover for?

He already told me I could leave him for Vingh Rames, lol.

Any one of the men I listed in my Seven Things and More post. Richard T Jones from Judging Amy, Antonio Banderas, Idris Elba from The Wire, Djimon, Genufinewine. HAHAhahaha. But seriously. I'm very happy with my bf....he's a good guy. he's nice too. I wouldnt want to start ove with some famous person who probably has more issues than People magazine.

3. If you were forced to listen to one band forever, who would it be?

That's an interesting question, because when you think about it, you might pick one of your favorites, but it might make more sense to pick a really good band that has tons of albums, which would offer much more variety. (I mean, hey...forever is a long ass time)

After much thought (Meshell Ndegiociello, D'Angelo, Al Green, The Temptations.....Meshell and D'Angelo, cause I already listen to their stuff over and over without getting tired of it and Al Green and the Temps for the amounts of music.)

But it finally dawned on me, who i've loved over the years....he has rock, pop, soul, sexy, love, r&b, lyrics, sing-ability*....all on one album or another....he's got a nice size catalog for variety, and I don't think he has made a song I didn't like. Prince!

(*sing-ability - a song that makes you want to sing along with it..)

4. Boxers or briefs?

Boxers I HATE Tighty Whiteys

5. If you were a hitwoman, what would be your weapon of choice?

Rifle, no contact and I'm an excellent shot. The further away, the less chance of getting caught. :::looks around::: I sounded a little too confident didnt I?

If you were forced to live the rest of your life either "with love but without sex" or "with sex but without love", what would you choose? And why? from Joy

Thats a very difficult question. A question I would probably have answered differently about 10 years ago.It brings to mind conditions in which you couldn't have sex, like, maybe being paralyzed, or having some type of disease or sexual problem.

Sex is very important in a relationship, I'm not saying it's most important, there are plenty of things that take precedence over it, like......communication, respect, honesty, but sex is definitly part of the list of what makes a happy relationship.

To answer the question, if true love was an absolute promise for the rest of my life, I would choose love.

I think....

could I masturbate?

Can we.....

you know what, nevermind, I try to keep this somewhat of a fmaily friendly blog, lmao. No need to get all x-rated up in here. I think I would choose love, because a life without love, seems so sad. and when i'm old and ain't thinkin about sex, it would be nice to have someone to share my life with when no one is interested in having sex with me anymore, lol

---

I would like to persoanlly thank you Joy for the following conversation with Joe.....

me: which would you choose?

him: I cant go without sex

me: then that means you can do without me? cause if you say you can do without love you must be....

him: (cutting me off): no, your different

me: why am i different

him: you just are. is this going to turn into a philisophical conversation? (turns over)

me: oh nevermind

him: ::snores:::

me: :::mumbling::: jerk


lol

Name your top 3 movies of 2005 and what you liked about each. from E.

I actually haven't watched a lot of movies lately since I moved and my dvd player broke, (or is it that I dont watch that many movies so I'm not all that focused on buying a new dvd player?) At any rate, I can only watch movies on my computer or laptop till i buy a new one...and if im on my computer or laptop, Im usually online and not thinking about watching a movie.

1. Crash - the most intense movie I have seen in a long time that efectively got across a freakin POINT about rascism. (spoiler is coming up, if you havent seen the movie I strongly suggest you skip to the next question right now.) Particularly when the cop tried to help her and she almost died refusing his help. I cried so hard and Joe thought it wasn't that serious, but I told him, "had he been doing his job, instead of victimizing her, she would have no reason to be afraid of him and almost kill them both. I swear I cried my eyes out when she relized it was him and the way she reacted. There were so many moments in that movie that spoke to the truth about the effects of slavery/rascism. I though it was brilliant.

2. Rabbit Proof Fence - it's not a 2005, but its one of my top movies I saw in 2005, that counts right? This movie shows what happens when a law is passed in Australia that any child that is mixed (aboriginal and white) must be removed from the home and placed in a group home, and trained as a house servent or something similiar and then when they grew up were given jobs and were only allowed to marry someone mixed or white. basically the govt's version of Hitler's master race plan. These little girls who were taken from their mothers, ran away and tried to walk home....across HUNDREDS OF MILES. Incedible movie.

3. Shark Tail - the most hilarious movie I'd seen in a long time...great for a laugh and for teaching kids a great lesson.

extra mentions would be: Spanglish, Yesterday

If you could meet any 5 people in the world, who would they be? from MrDeath

I'm going to assume that these would be people that are in the world and alive right now.

1. I have two older brothers by my mother who I've never met and my mother hasnt seen them since they were two and three, her then husband took them and she never saw them again. Edward and Johnny Hearne.

2. Artist Odd Nerdrum

3. Ann Rice

4. Oprah

5. im gonna come back with the last one.

honorable mentions: the green lizard from the geico commercial (I heart him, lol), Tupac (he's not dead, lol), Michelle Pfiefer, Micky Rourke, Ridley Scott, Clive Barker

what if anything was the single defining moment in your life? from Diamond

Not sure I've had it yet, or if nothing else, my life has been filled with little defining moments. The day I walked out of my job and started my own business. The day I had my daughter. The day I realized that Joe wasn't going anywhere, that he would be staying by my side. Other moments, tragic moments, happy moments....all defining moments of what is is to be me. Pretty cool huh?

Below is what I was told is Dr Phil's test. (supposedly Dr. Phil scored 55; he did this test on Oprah she got a 38.) Read on, this is very interesting! Don't be overly sensitive! The following is pretty accurate and it only takes 2 minutes. Take this test and post your results in my comments section (and of course feel free to send it to your friends.)

Don't peek, but begin the test as you scroll down and answer.


Answers are about who you are now...... not who you were in the past. Have pen or pencil and paper ready. This is a real test given by the Human Relations Dept. at many of the major corporations today. It helps them get better insight concerning their employees and prospective employees.


It's only 10 Simple questions, so...grab a pencil and paper, keeping
track of your letter answers to each question.


Ready??


Begin...

1. When do you feel your best?
a) in the morning
b) during the afternoon &and early evening
c) late at night

2. You usually walk...
a) fairly fast, with long steps
b) fairly fast, with little steps
c) less fast head up, looking the world in the face
d) less fast, head down
e) very slowly

3. When talking to people you.
a) stand with your arms folded
b) have your hands clasped
c) have one or both your hands on your hips
d) touch or push the person to whom you are talking
e) play with your ear, touch your chin, or smooth your hair

4. When relaxing, you sit with.
a) your knees bent with your legs neatly side by side
b) your legs crossed
c) your legs stretched out or straight
d) one leg curled under you

5. When something really amuses you, you react with...
a) big appreciated laugh
b) a laugh, but not a loud one
c) a quiet chuckle
d) a sheepish smile
6. When you go to a party or social gathering you...
a) make a loud entrance so everyone notices you
b) make a quiet entrance, looking around for someone you know
c) make the quietest entrance , trying to stay unnoticed

7. You're working very hard, concentrating hard, and you're
interrupted...
a) welcome the break
b) feel extremely irritated
c) vary between these two extremes

8. Which of the following colors do you like most?
a) Red or orange
b) black
c) yellow or light blue
d) green
e) dark blue or purple
f) white
g) brown or gray

9. When you are in bed at night, in those last few moments before going to sleep you are..
a) stretched out on your back
b) stretched out face down on your stomach
c) on your side, slightly curled
d) with your head on one arm
e) with your head under the covers

10. You often dream that you are...
a) falling
b) fighting or struggling
c) searching for something or somebody
d) flying or floating
e) you usually have dreamless sleep
f) your dreams are always pleasant

POINTS:
1. (a) 2 (b) 4 (c) 6
2. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 7 (d) 2 (e) 1
3. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 5 (d) 7 (e) 6
4. (a) 4 (b) 6 (c) 2 (d) 1
5. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 2
6. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 2
7. (a) 6 (b) 2 (c) 4
8. (a) 6 (b) 7 (c) 5 (d) 4 (e) 3 (f) 2 (g) 1
9. (a) 7 (b) 6 (c) 4 (d) 2 (e) 1
10. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 6 (f) 1

Now add up the total number of points.

OVER 60 POINTS: Others see you as someone they should handle with care." You' re seen as vain, self-centered, and who is extremely dominant. Others may admire you, wishing they could be more like you, but don't always trust you, hesitating to become too deeply involved with you.

51 TO 60 POINTS: Others see you as an exciting, highly volatile,
rather impulsive personality; a natural leader, who's quick to make decisions, though not always the right ones. They see you as bold and adventuresome, someone who will try anything once; someone who takes chances and enjoys an adventure. They enjoy being in your company because of the excitement you radiate.

41 TO 50 POINTS: Others see you as fresh, lively, charming,
amusing, practical, and always interesting; someone who's constantly in the center of attention, but sufficiently well-balanced not to let it go to their head. They also see you as kind, considerate, and understanding; someone who'll always cheer them up and help them out.


31 TO 40 POINTS: Others see you as sensible, cautious, careful &
practical. They see you as clever, gifted, or talented, but modest. Not a person who makes friends too quickly or easily, but someone who's extremely loyal to friends you do make and who expect the same loyalty in return. Those who really get to know you realize it takes a lot to shake your trust in your friends, but equally that it takes you a long time to get over if that trust is ever broken.


21 TO 30 POINTS: Your friends see you as painstaking and fussy.
They see you as very cautious, extremely careful, a slow and steady plodder. It would really surprise them if you ever did something impulsively or on the spur of the moment, expecting you to examine everything carefully from every angle and then, usually decide against it. They think this reaction is caused partly by your careful nature.


UNDER 21 POINTS: People think you are shy, nervous, and indecisive, someone who needs looking after, who always wants someone else to make the decisions & who doesn't want to get involved with anyone or anything! They see you as a worrier who always sees problems that don't exist. Some people think you're boring. Only those who know you well know that you aren't.





Now forward this to others, and put your score in the subject box
of your e-mail, like this:
> "Dr. Phil's Test, I'm a ___"




referer

I will list any items I have for trade here. (I will add new items weekly) If you have something to trade, either leave it in the comments or email me at virtualchase at aol dot come with your offer.

Here are the rules and answers to any potential questions

1. please dont insult me by offering me something crappy, that you know is worth way less than what you want.

2. on the other hand, you can offer me almost anything, two crappy items may be worth a cool item, lol. I like books, music (mostly soul, Rnb, blues, jazz, some hip hop, some country, some classical), dolls, toys, books, art supplies (paintbrushes, papers, fabric, photos, paint, pens, pencils, ect), art done by you, knick knacks, odd items, books, computer games, jewelry, anything antique, old, strange, odd or different. If you're not sure, try sending me a list with what you have and what you want off my list.

3. After I get your trade items, I will send yours. No exceptions. I've been burned before and it's not a nice feeling. If you don't trust me. Dont trade with me. Very simple.

4. ALL items are in MINT UNUSED condition unless otherwise stated.

5. ALL cd's are advance cd's and may have some type or marking on the barcode (holepunch, sticker, scratch, ect).

6. Some advances may have additional tracks and features not found on store copies.


7. ALL DVD's are shrink wrapped unless otherwise noted

If you have questions or need a photo or more details about an item, just ask.

My Trade Items

• Wallflowers CD, Rebel Sweetheart
  
  
• Nine Inch Nails (NIN) Cd, With Teeth
  
  
• The LJ's - Likwit Junkies CD
  
  
• Book. The Mushroom Man, by Sophia Powell. "A very sophisticated, and magical debut about sisters, daughters, husbands and the shimmering border between reality and myth"
  
  
• Jack Johnson Kayo card. Boxing collectable card. Jack Johnson was the first black heavyweight champion. This is a collectors card in mint condition.
  
  
• The Jamie Foxx Show - Complete first season (shrink wrapped)
  
  
• Tony Touch CD - Last of the pro ricans
  
  
• Fabolous CD Street Dreams
  
  
• Authority Zero - A Passage in Time (slight cover wear from storage, but never played)
  
  
• Duke Ellington DVD (feat Billie Holiday, Ivie Anderson, Mae West)
  
  
• Audioslave, Out of Exile CD
  
  
• Al Di Meola DVD
  
  
  
• The Wayans Brothers 1st Season DVD
  
  
  
• Catwoman DVD
  
  
• Something The Lord Made DVD (feat Alan Rickman and Mos Def) (excellent movie!)
  
  
• The Frank Sinatra Show DVD (feat Peter Lawford, Juliet Prowse, The Hi-Lo's, Hermione Gingold, and more!)
  
  
• Feist CD - Let it Die
  
  
  
• 80's Playboy Magazines (email me for covers)
  
  
• New Pitbull CD
  
  
• SouthFM CD, Drama Kids
  
  
• MC Lyte is Lytro CD
  
  
• White Light Motorcade CD, Thank You Goodnight
  
  
• House of 1000 Corpses Movie Soundtrack
  
  
• Blood Brothers ehanced CD, Burn Piano Island Burn (?)
  
  
• Flashlight Brown CD, My Degeneration
  
  
• Birds of Prey CD, LIve
  
  
• Cheap Trick Advance cd, Special One
  
  
• Fiction Plane CD, Everything Will never.....
  
  
  

---

Codes:

[PA] Parental Advisory

Lost in the forest, I broke off a dark twig
and lifted its whisper to my thirsty lips:
maybe it was the voice of the rain crying,
a cracked bell, or a torn heart.

Something from far off it seemed
deep and secret to me, hidden by the earth,
a shout muffled by huge autumns,
by the moist half-open darkness of the leaves.

Wakening from the dreaming forest there, the hazel-sprig
sang under my tongue, its drifting fragrance
climbed up through my conscious mind

as if suddenly the roots I had left behind
cried out to me, the land I had lost with my childhood---
and I stopped, wounded by the wandering scent.


Pablo Naruda

I've done a lot of thinking in the past couple of days....hell, who am I kidding, weeks. I haven't blogged as much as I would like to. I hope to rectify that. This whole nanowrimo.com thing (where you attempt to wite a novel, 50,000 words, in one month), is a blessing and a curse. I've written more in the past two weeks, than I've ever written (except for maybe something for school or work) but still nowhere near my goal, and it's definitely kept me from blogging.

I am happy with my bf, I couldn't ask for a more understanding or loving person, but it has made me examine other parts of my life and things that are making me so unhappy.

I want something....I don't know what it is....

no, that's not right...I want me

....the real me, and I don't feel like I am being the real me.

I paint, but I'm never happy with what I paint, although others love it....

I write but I hate what I write, although others love it....

I love to write and I love to paint...They are my passions, but I feel like I am not giving either the passion they deserve, that I cannot pull that passion out of my insides and/or properly represent it on paper, whether in paint or type.

I suck. That's how I feel. I suck. I have no self control, no passion, nothing.....

Ok, I don't really feel like I suck, only sometimes....When I'm being an ass and coming down on myself...Instead of just trying harder....and I know this. I don't know why I beat myself up.

skip it.


Anyway, QB sent me a copy of a case re my previous post about my sister Carol's death at the hands of her husband. The case she sent me wasn't about that trial, (but it DID mention he was acquitted of that trial 10/2), but about a case afterwards where he tried to make the insurance co pay him the 250k that he had killed her for. QB was able to get a copy of that case because there was a precedence set in it, so it is used as a teaching tool. Obviously there was no precedence set in the other case, because she was unable to get a copy of it.

However,

I spoke to someone in the courthouse and she said they could give me a copy of the file for 2.50 for the 1st page and 50 cents each page up to 100 pages, then they go to 25 cents a page. (the stenographers office said they would charge me 3.50 a page) It can still end up being a lot, considering trials can be thousands of pages, but it's better than 3.50 a page. I spoke to a girl there and we talked for about an hour, she said if I send her the initial 9.00, she'll send me the whole file. Not sure if she'll actually do it, but we'll see.

Overall its been a blessing to even find out what I do know...it's more than I knew last week. I don't care what anyone says, it might hurt, but I'll take knowing, over not knowing, any day.


So.....

An old friend called me. I met him a long time ago at a pow-wow. (a pow-wow is an American Indian party/festival/gathering/celebration) When he saw me, our eyes locked and he wouldn't stop staring, he was quite a beautiful man, and I admit I was intrigued. He walked up to me and put something in my hand, and walked away. When I looked at it, it was a sterling ear cuff with a feather hanging from it.

We never became involved, but we did remain friends. That's not to say he didn't try. He was a spiritual man, what they call a shaman, and knew healing arts. Had he not tried to sleep with me, I might have ended up his wife, but his baseness made me lose respect for him, and realizing that he had real power, only made it worse. I may be wrong, but I felt that a shaman, a medicine man, should be able to control his urges, and be "above" trying to just sleep with someone, especially since we didn't know each other. Still are actually, I felt like he should hold himself to a higher standing.

Anyway....


He consulted with a few people that I knew, it seems he told them things that he could not possibly have known, many walked away from him crying, and many things he told them came true. I did not doubt that he had real power. But I also believe many people have real power, though I know for a fact most who do, have no idea what to do with it....they block it.

Everyone is in control of their own minds, and if someone would try to enter your mind and try to influence or control you, you also have the power to prevent these things.

Sometimes he would come to mind out of the blue, and I would feel a sort of probing. I would do things to block him out (sing, chant, recite, vision) and he would call me later that night or the next day and ask why I continued to block him. After a while I shut my mind to him completely. He did some other consultations from some of my other friends, and there was a back and forth with this one female and she accused him of harassment. Our friendship had reached an impasse and we haven't spoken in almost 9 years.


He called the office number last week, looking for my partner and I returned his call. We spoke for a while and out of the blue (go figure) he asked me why I was "so sad" and why I "continued to live in my tragedy".

At the time I denied it, but in retrospect, I suppose that is what I do sometimes. I wear my sadness almost like jewelry sometimes, although I admit, sometimes it feels more like shackles.

it's unfortunate that tragedies define points in my life, but they do. I can't help that. Sure, they're points I'd like to forget if I could, but I can't. I can only seek to understand what may be totally not understandable and totally indecipherable. Even if I get a case file, will it tell me why he killed her? Will I ever know why my father acted the way he did? or my stepfather? or my mother? or my brother? Can we ever know what is in someone else's heart....The answer is no, we cannot. Perhaps that disturbs me most of all.

and perhaps, in defiance of my knowledge, I am hurting only myself. Perhaps I am killing a small part of my passion....My life..... Because I cannot let go.

I cannot leave these things alone. I fuck with them over and over like picking a sore, or twisting my hair, or eating, or pacing, not sleeping, drinking, or any of the mindless destructive things that people do to torture themselves.

I hope to purge myself by writing, then I tell myself, am I doing it to find sympathy? Then I feel guilt when I do get sympathy, because it is then that I realize I'm not looking for sympathy. Although I do realize that circumstances evoke it.

I'm really writing for self understanding, purging, an outlet....

I could turn off my comments, but I like you all to much for that, hearing what you have to say does help in its way.


so fuck it....I have to finish what I started. I never meant for my blog to turn into a purge, but I don't have the energy to start another blog, or change my name or any of that bullshit....

I'm tired. I just want to put it all down and then leave it there. Walk away if I can....

let the posts become older....go into the archives and slide their way down the page until they disappear in a dark archive a year from now.

Maybe you'll stay, maybe it will be a bit much and you'll go to sunnier, funnier, sexier blogs...and to be honest, I wouldn't blame you. I'll still come visit you, and if I do, its cause I really do like you, at least the part you choose to show me.

Overall, I want to wish you a happy thanksgiving. May you be surrounded by love, happiness and people you want to be around. Family is cool, friends are great. Don't be sad if you don't have all of your family with you as long as you have people around who love you, remember "Blood is thicker than water, but love is thicker than blood." Best wishes to you and yours. I'll probably be back on Friday.

If you get a chance, check out my new client www.amirsulaiman.com

Thanks for listening.

Chase

---

Update (next day)

I just finished reading a post by lightfeather on forgiveness, and it made me realize that not being able to forgive is a large part of my problem and angst. I could probably write a laundry list of the people who I need to forgive, but more than half of them I still hate so much and dont feel they deserve forgiveness....not neccesarily from me, but from anyone.

I gotta meditate on this, but I thank lightfeather....without even meaning to, she turned on a light in one of the rooms of my mind, and I'm always thankful for a little light. :::smile::::

Sometimes I forget completely
what companionship is.
Unconcious and insane, I spill sad
energy everywhere. My story
gets told in various ways: a romance,
a dirty joke, a war, a vacancy.

Divide up my forgetfulness to any number,
it will go around.
These dark suggestions that I follow,
are they part of some plan?
Friends, be careful. Don't come near me
out of curiosity, or sympathy.

Rumi

This is my sister Carol (if you click on the picture I think you can view it more closely). She appeared on the cover of this issue of Jet Magazine the same year I was born. Carol was my oldest sister, by my father, but I never got to meet her. I can only tell the story the way i remember it, and unless I meet someone from Chicago, who is willing to look up the court transcripts, I'm sure there may be a hole or two in my story, but the body of it I have been told goes like this....

Carol was born in 1944 to my father and his first wife. I dont know much about her childhood, but she loved to sing and from what I understand she became the first black flight attendent for Eastern Airlines. She had a few different bands, I actually met a guy, through the music biz some years ago, who played in a band with her and gave me about 5 pictures he had of her performing. From what I've heard, she was on the cover of Jet 3 times (65, 66, 67)

She met a man who was to become her second husband, and he courted her. They fell in love, got married and bought a beautiful house. She thought the fact that they never had sex before marriage was romantic, but then after marriage they didn't have sex either. He hired a decorator to decorate their house, she was still singing in a band, and everything was fine, except they werent sleeping together. She had made plans to go back to Jersey (from Chicago) because she felt something wasnt right, and not too long after she had made this decision, one night someone broke into the house and murdered her. They stabbed her mutiple times and carved her face till she was unrecognizable.

Turns out that the decorator....male, decorator, was her husbands lover, and they had planned, even before they were married to kill her for the life insurance. This was the plan all along.

The whole story is convoluted...it's said that there was a trial, that ended with a hung jury, then another trial, but before they could bring him up for the second trial, he died. Of AIDS.

I know i should feel some sense of justice but I don't. Justice won't bring her back and thats a fact. I just wonder sometimes, why do some men see a thing of beauty and can only think to destroy it?

I know it's my sister, so of course I'm going to think she's beautiful, but I've seen it time and time again. Beautiful women sometimes are the most tragic. Many women want to be like them, but sometimes that very same beauty can be a curse. It gets you noticed far too often, even when you don't want to be. It can scare some men, but seems to make most men bold, so you are subjected to a constant stream of attention, whether you like it or not.

Sometimes I forget completely that I even had this sister, because I never was allowed the pleasure of meeting her. It was stolen from me. Then other times I come across a picture and I see her eyes, like mine and I think how much I wish I could have met her.

It was said that a part of my father died when his first born was killed. I can imagine that this is so. How could it not be?

I do know that he kept an eagle eye on any guy my other sisters or myself bought around. He would ask a lot of questions, and dig into their backgrounds. and we allowed him this....because we knew, he feared losing another.

He would say "a man should have a past, and he should not be afraid to share it with you....and if he is, something is wrong". He never liked an ex of mine Angel, because Angel didn't get along with his mother, and spoke badly of her at a dinner one night. My dad pulled me to the side later and asked plaintively "what kind of son doesnt love his mother?" He said, "if he doesnt love and respect his mother, he can never truly love and respect you" and he was right, Angel and I broke up because he did not have respect for me as woman.

I think about Carol sometimes and I wonder if she knew...if she suspected...that this man had murder on his mind. How could she think that he loved her? Was he that good an actor or was she that blind? We look at people every day and think that what we see is what is real, but in my experience there is so much we really don't know, and probably so much we don't want to know. No one can ever know truly what is in the heart of another person, and that is truly the scariest thing of all.

I tried to face the things in my past and not fear being in relationships (of any kind) because of it. Sometimes I'm successful, other times not so much.

I think the only thing my father ever feared was losing another daughter in the same way he lost Carol.

So today is officially the start of Nanowrimo (check out www.nanowrimo.com for more info.

Most of my writing will probably be done on the group Nanowrimo blog to your right, for the month of November. That's how long the contest is. I'll appreciate any and all support you can give me, and if I can, I'll update here as well. If not, then I pormise to resume with more of my previous stories, thoughts, flashbacks and musings as well as some really great new ones.

I can't believe how much I feel like I know some of you, and even though we're spread far and wide thruout the country, heck, the world :::waves::: Hi Sam and Rosie! I feel like you are all such beautiful people and I feel blessed when I read your blogs and when you read mine and we share our thoughts.

Thank you all who read here. It's a small thing that means a lot.