Strange Days

I still don't have online acess yet, but here I am in Taco Bell enjoying a Crunchwrap Supreme (which also rocks) I didn't know all Taco Bell's had wifi, well at least the ones around here do.

Yeah, im over the birthday blues....whats a girl to do? lol Thank you to everyone who sent me well wishes in my comments and emails...it's easy to see why we become attached to our blogfriends, especially when they are so sweet and caring.

Jessica had her 14th Birthday party last night, it was really awesome. We decorated the bar (yep, we have a huge bar in our house) with xmas lights and streamers, I made 4, 3 layer cakes, they had hot dogs, chicken wings, devilled eggs and every kind of chip you can imagine. I made "invisible" punch, with the new invisible kool aid, and some sprite, all the kids thought it was water, lol, and weren't drinking it until i told them it was punch.

One of the funniest things of the night was the phone call from the grandmother of one of jessica's friends that went like this....

Grandmother: Hey, I'll be bringing nick shortly, but his friend that he grew up with is here and I wanted to know if it was ok if he came too?

Me: How old is he?

GM: 13, but he's big (which was an understatement, the boy was HUGE)

me: yes that's fine

GM: But there's one thing (long pause) (she whispers) He's black

silence

Me: (whispers) So are we

GM: Really? (clearly relieved) I'm not prejudeced or anything, I just know a lot of people in this area are and I wouldnt want to drop him off and have anyone give him problems

Me: (dying laughing) that's fine, no problems here

I cannot get enough of telling that story, it keeps cracking me up.

Jessica said it was the best party ever...but I think I forgot how loud a roomful of 40 teenagers could be. Im sure it's a party she'll remember for the rest of her life.

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I'm signing up for the substitute teacher program here, and if all goes well I'll be subbing (extra money AND getting out of the rut house.

I'll probably come back to Taco Bell on Wed, or have my online access back by then.

ciao

yesterday was my birthday. yipee. I swear I don't know what it is im looking for, but year after year im just not getting it. It's not like I expect a big party, lavish gifts...ok, maybe a suprise party one year wouldnt be bad....and I know things have been tight for us money wise, but my day came and went with scarcely an acknowledgement. Joe, has never been really big on "holidays" and I've somewhat learned to not expect any grand gestures from him.

He at least got me a card for valentines day, but he left it in the car and didnt give it to me until the next day, and when I told him he was so unromatic he got an attitude about it...he makes me so mad sometimes. I bitched him out the next day about it, but sometimes I think im talking to a wall.

Jessicas birthday is today...the day after mine...and ever since she's been born, I've always focused so much more on her birthday than my own. She's having a big party next weekend with tons of friends from school, im going to cook, make cakes, the whole nine....so today she was mainly in the bed, she has the flu, but she's almost over it....when i asked her to help with cleaning up, she made a comment about "whatever happened to having birthday weekends off?" wow that pissed me off to no end....good question! what HAS happened to birthday weekends off??? I cant remember the last time I was given a weekend off...no one gave ME breakfast in bed, or asked if there was anything I needed on my birthday.

the bottom line is I think her and joe can be so fcuking selfish sometimes, it makes me want to throw up. I expect it from her sometimes, I mean she's a 14 year old girl fercrissakes, she's expected to be selfish at times, but it seems no matter how many times I point out how selfish he can be at times it doesnt change, he still keeps his little childish outlook on life and it makes me sick.

true, im venting right now, and he does things that makes up for his selfishness at times, but im so sick of being the one who's strong and tries to keep things together without an attitude. why cant someone look out for me once in a while?

Im not even freaking out that im 39....that my mother didnt call me, two of my sisers didnt call me, my best friend didnt call me....

or maybe i am...i dunno

stupid birthday....

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my online access is limited, so i probably wont be able to post or respond for another week....

finished a new painting this past weekend. Now i want to start working on a faux stained glass window. I found an old window its about 3 feet tall and 2 feet wide, may have been an old basement window, and I want to make it look like a stained glass window using acrylics, I've seen some really remarkable ones...not saying mine will be, but I can try :::smile:::

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I spoke to an ex of mine last week, just chit chat, two or three inconsequential emails about idle news shit, but it made me think abot him, and how things ended between us. I regret few decisions I've made about relationships, but that relationship was one of them. I can't really say regret, I just wish I hadn't of been so hasty, and that I had let things go further before I made any decisions. We had only been together for a short period of time, when due to his clingy-ness and possessiveness I told him I needed a time out, and he made it permanant. I ask myself now

why do I feel I regret this decision?

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Now that i think of it, the only other relationship decision I regret, was breaking up with a bf W I'd been with for over 5 yrs, for the exact same reasons. I mean it was much more intricate and involved with W, but it still boiled down to the same reasoning....he became very clingy, and very very possessive. He read my diary yep, he waited till I wasn't home and searched for it, and I walked in and he was sitting on the couch with my diary and a bottle of tequila. I was pissed off to the utmost of pisstivity. He didn't even care, he went on about something I wrote about another guy (it wasn't major, I think I was saying I thought he was attractive, sweet...) but the point of a diary is you can say what you want or what you think regardless if you act on it or not. I did not plan on cheating on him, but that was the straw that broke the camels back. When i told him it was over he lost it, he followed me around for weeks, I would be in a club and turn around and he would be in a corner watching me, i would come home and he'd be parked across the street from my building looking up at my window, he would call, my room-mate would tell him to hold on, I'd pick up the phone an hour or two later wondering why it was off the hook and he'd still be on the phone, holding. I came out my apartment one morning to find him sleeping in the stairwell, I cursed him out good for that one. Finally he told me he wanted to be with me no matter what, even if I wanted to be with other people he didn't care, even if I slept with other people, it didn't matter. This only served to make me feel sorry for him...and not in that "oh my god i feel so sorry i want to get back with you" way, but in the "oh my god i cant believe you're acting like such a loser" kind of way.

I always though afterwards that I may have made a mistake on that one, that I really "did him wrong", that he really loved me and maybe I would never find somone who loved me as much as he did. But now....i mean just now as I'm writing this, I think I'm realising that maybe, just maybe it was something a little different than love...something that could have really hurt me in the long run. just maybe.

he doesnt speak to me anymore. about 3 mos later he got married, and about a year after that he seperated and we fooled around for a few mos, but even then I couldnt put my heart into it and he knew it, we stopped seeing each other, he got back with his wife and now he wont speak to me. I ran into him at the park once where we were giving a concert, he was with his wife and they'd had a child. If looks could kill, when he introduced me to his wife, her face went from genial to stone so fast I almost flinched. She said "oh, you're Chase" like she was spitting out the words and they left a bad taste. I just said, "yep", smiled, and kept it moving. coincidently, I saw him on the train about a week later and when i said hello he told me that he couldnt speak to me becuase his wife wouldn't allow it. I said "allow?" and he just looked away. I sucked my teeth, pulled a book out of my bag and ignored him for the rest of the trip. we never spoke again. 5 yrs was a long time to be in a relationship, and I do regret dearly, losing him as a friend.

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back to my other ex and the emails....why do I feel I regret it...I guess I really don't. Not anymore. he was a good, guy...so was W, but it wasn't meant to be. Even if we had of stayed together, it probably wouldn't have worked out. Possessiveness and clingy-ness are two things that will run me off in a NY minute. I need someone who knows who they are and what they stand for. Someone who trusts me...yeah, a streak of jealousy can be exciting once in a while, but if it comes off as sincere worry about my faithfulness, then there's a problem. I know they both loved me in their own ways...but a big part of love is trust and the ability to allow a certain amount of freedom. Trust.....that's the key.